Post by The Cosplay Playboy on Dec 15, 2014 22:33:57 GMT -6
So needless to say, this is a warning that this is a completely and utterly fictional dairy based on the characters of EXODUS Pro, (R)Evolution Wrestling and maybe a few more, who the fuck knows? Needless to say, this is going to be some weird ass ish. The title should imply as much. Some of these gimmicks are going to be fucking weird. Thankfully, you’re all nuts, so this should just hopefully be a friendly reminder. So, just have fun, read the thing and y’know...realize this is an alternate universe where the rules of gravity, physics, etc don’t necessarily apply at all times!
So...enjoy. Oh...and here’s a champion’s break down after The Autumn Effect 2: Plowfiesta 2014!
EXODUS Pro Champions:
World: Chris Strike
Tag Team: TROUBLE (Steve Lenton & Wulf Erikssen)
International: Christian Kane
San Diego Bay: Chandler Scott
EXODUS Pro on FX #26 (ON LSD!)
December 1, 2014
If only we were amongst friends... or sane persons!
1. It is the start of our first show post-Autumn Effect and the crowd at the Honda Center begins to boo furiously as “Like a Boss” by The Lonely Island begins playing while Chuck Matthews begins to stroll down the ramp with the biggest grin on his face. The commentators take this time to remind us that Nicholas Gray is out of power (LIKE A BOSS!) after Chuck Matthews managed to beat Zack Lifer (LIKE A BOSS!) after Lifer decided to just lie down for Chuck (LIKE A BOSS!) after the two beat the living hell out of Jimmy Riley (LIKE A BOSS!). Chuck looks proud as hell (LIKE A BOSS!) as he takes the microphone (LIKE A BOSS!) and his theme finally fades away (LIKE A BOSS!).
Anyways, shit stirring aside, Chuck Matthews is all about this business here tonight as he proceeds to gloat about winning over Lifer, beating up on Riley and sending Gray’s bags packing. However, Chuck does take this time to actually have a moment of silence for the fallen Christum Furor and Daisuke Iwakuma. But, y’know, he’s Chuck Matthews...and he’s THE BAWSE! He’ll work around it. So, there’s some business at hand tonight. LIKE SOME PRETTY BIG MATCHES! And given how Zack Lifer was THE most helpful and greatest person ever, his ban on winning titles...HAS BEEN LIFTED (LIKE A BOSS)! In fact, he’s going to go do the thing tonight for a title and fight none other than the new World champion, Chris Strike!!!
Oh, you think this good? Well Chuck went like “OH, HAVE SAVANNAH TAYLOR VS CHRISTIAN KANE! HAVE ABBY PARK VERSUS CHANDLER. HAVE TROUBLE VERSUS A BRAND NEW TEAM FOR THE BELTS! HAVE ALL THE THINGS!” Why, you ask? Because he’s THE BAWSE! And he’ll make this entire company a hell of a lot better now that he’s in charge of the whole shebang!
Also...shows are now weekly. Because Chuck Matthews likes this money, you see. Have fun!!!
2. Tom Farter vs. Emi Watanabe
Farter comes out to the boos of the crowd, looking like a particularly familiar douche...hey, gotta have developmental talent somewhere. “Geese’s Wide Shoulders” from the KOF ‘96 soundtrack starts playing over the PA and the crowd ROARS in approval as Emi Watanabe comes out, slicked blond hair, decked out in an aikidogi with red hakama and white uwagi without sandals. Oh, she looks pretty pissed off too while the other competitors look bewildered. Watanabe enters the ring and as she awaits for the bell to ring, Tom Farter starts laughing at any possible threat of Emi being dangerous - going even so far as to fart very, very loudly...a stink almost as bad as Selena Alexander’s rpies incident - and he dashes across the ring in order to attack her and fulfill every possible male clichéd idea about women and their role in society, when suddenly:
Emi Watanabe: REPUUKENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Without even knowing what hit him – in this case, a HOLYFUCKTHATSABLUESHINYENERGYWAVE - Tom Farter gets blasted by the attack and he’s practically a one-hit K.O. as he falls onto the mat. Emi evily looks down at the fallen Farter and tell him to go shit himself elsewhere before placing a foot on his chest and takes the pinfall over the unconscious Tom Farter. Mind you, this all happens in the spam of six point four seconds and three milliseconds. Meaning that Emi Watanabe just set a record for quickest victory in EXODUS Pro and she somehow learned Geese fucking Howard’s move list off of the Real Bout Fatal Fury manual on her Neo-Geo.
I am going to have so much fun with this gimmick.
WINNER: Emi Watanabe
3. Interview with Sally Talfourd being interviewed by Tom Matheny about her epic bout against Fiona Collins two weeks ago, leading to Sally talking about how getting one over the Ace of EXODUS Pro was a very fulfilling experience along with finding out the truth behind her attacker being Christum Furor and seeing him gone. She then starts talking about how weird things have become in EXODUS Pro ever since the catering table got shipped off to Mexico for a month and came back new as ever nearly one year ago...almost as if whatever people have been eating off of it has made them stranger somehow - which she managed to avoid because she’s a picky eater like that. Justin Brooks walks into the picture, telling Sally that she isn’t the only one that’s sane...and then telling her to check her privilege, like a white person should. Sally takes offense to that, given the fact she is Korean. Needless to say, this is the most normal war-of-snide-comments segment you can have to set up a bout between these two next week.
4. We eventually go to showcasing the inside of a wrestling ring and a small person with an interesting look to them...in the plainest in-ring gear possible, the segment showcasing beautiful and crisp technical moves being executed upon a varied pack of sparring partners that look something along the lines of the type of folks we saw at Zero McHannon’s wild and crazy parties before his unfortunate disappearance earlier this year that led TAFKA Prince Kamijo into exile and caused an entire nation to cry. Nonetheless, it eventually ends with said person hitting her sparring partner with a sweet butterfly suplex, then a tiger suplex that is transitioned it into a Cattle Mutilation.
LAUREL ANNE HARDY - NEXT WEEK!
5. Evangelista vs. Nathan Chapel
Evangelista comes out first, in full Reverend stuff and she be spreading the gospel of our “Technical Lord and Savior Who Will Be Here Next Week” Laurel Anne Hardy. She hands out some pamphlets and fliers to the folks at the Honda Center, claiming that the “Technical Savior” will free us all from this goddamned circus with her ART!!! Next, it’s none other than Nathan Chapel who comes out, wearing sunglasses, spiked up hair, has a tattoo with the name “NATHAN” across his chest and some sweet gear and music (in this universe, he’s pretty much a bachelor and Alexandra Adams is the one piece of tail he’s never gotten to bang...gotta keep things mixed up a bit). He also gives the cameras a pep talk that this isn’t the first religious zealots he’s run into...he had to go through worse at Shang Tsung’s island to be here today. The match begins and it’s a pretty good bout of speed vs. technique here with a few not-so-technical tricks employed by Evangelista to keep things under control. Eventually, Nathan Chapel starts making his comeback and gets a few close counts before Evangelista locks in the Lime Street Loop...but Chapel ESCAPES it somehow. That sends Evangelista into disarray, screaming as to HOW an untechnical SWINE like this one with a weird gimmick could overcome something like this…
Upset beyond disarray, Evangelista grabs on to the Technical Bible (which is really an almanac of greatest technical wrestlers on the planet) and attempts to hit Chapel with it...but Chapel does the splits! DICK PUNCH! DICK PUNCH! THE CROWD GOES INSANE AND BECAUSE EVANGELISTA IS A GIRL, CHAPEL IS NOT DISQUALIFIED! THE PAIN! THE PAIN IS ENOUGH FOR CHAPEL TO FOLLOW IT UP WITH A SHADOW KICK THAT PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON IT ALL!!!!! NATHAN CHAPEL PULLS IT OFF! NOW HE GETS TO GO BACKSTAGE AND ENJOY THE COMPANY OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WHOM HE WILL MOST CERTAINLY BANG…
But none of them are Alexandra Adams, so he kinda loses out still.
WINNER: Nathan Chapel
6. Adrien Cochrane vs. Black Jones
Adrien comes out first with a plethora of women alongside him, as the announcers put over the fact that ever since he won his divorce in such a manner that Adrianna Rivers begged to be boomed out of existence, he’s been floundered by many women from across the globe who want “The Coch” and to be a part of the “Cochtourage” - which Adrien makes a snide comment about being more productive than anything the Graytourage ever did during their power and that Chuck Matthews gets things done (LIKE A BOSS!)...but that comes to a screeching halt as the lights go out…
ZUGAGAN GAGAN GAN! (DO THE MUSCLE!)
ZUBABAN BABAN BAN! (HUSTLE MUSCLE!)
GO! GO! FIGHT!
As “HUSTLE MUSCLE” by Yougo Kouno plays over the PA system, Black Jones comes out to the roar of the crowd who chant along with his theme’s chorus as he poses to them, showing himself to be even more ripped than the usual - saying something along the lines of the Hercules Factory keeping his daily grind on. This is another one of those matches where both guys get their moments in it but Cochrane takes control, with Adrien coming close a few times and almost hitting Black Jones with the “Coch-Kick Barrage” in which Black Jones gets the fuck out of the way rather quickly. Channeling his strength to fight on, his BURNING INNER STRENGTH~! pushing him on as the Niku Mark appears on his forehead and Black Jones mounts the comeback. He eventually catches Adrien as he goes for the Crescent City Connection and connects with the BLACK-NIKU BUSTER!!!!!! A pinfall later and Black Jones has pinned a former EXODUS Pro World champion! Duke Togo is right there, screaming in the most obnoxious manner about how THE COCH JUST CAUGHT THIS FUCKING FADE FROM THE OG OF PLANET KINNIKU, YOUR BOY BLACK JONES!!!! ...That said, Black Jones kinda has to tell him to chill for a moment here.
WINNER: Black Jones
7. Segment with the Masked Salaryman talking about his interest in the San Diego Bay title now held by Chandler Scott
8. NON-TITLE MATCH
Chandler Scott vs. Abby Park
A BIG match with future title implications after Abby Park and Johnny Cannon failed in their challenge for the EXODUS Pro World Tag Team titles in TLC III. Abby comes out as she’s been doing over the last few weeks, reciting whispering sonnets to a skull head that she’s affectionately come to call “Yorick” while Chandler Scott comes out, fired up and REALLY FEELING IT like the energetic and determined “Appalachian State Picket” that he is. This is one of those matches where Chandler’s power does do its fair share of damage, but Abby Park’s speed combined with her smarts (not to mention innate knowledge of Shakespearean comedies) eventually brought the fight to her speed and led to her taking advantage...this match does go the full distance with the fifteen minute time limit and to a draw, which the crowd is disappointed about but really happy when Abby Park and Chandler Scott shake hands, showing TRUE SPORTSMANSHIP and whatnot!
...That is, of course, until the (R)Evolution Wrestling team known as “BLOODSPORT” comes out from the crowd, sliding into the ring and beginning to beat the holy living fuck out of Abby Park, the two of them SCREAMING at our favorite thespian about how blatantly disrespectful she has been putting her hands on a Godfather of Wrestling like that, reminding her very well that just because Gabe Gambino is dealing with limbo right now that it doesn’t give her the right to disrespect all of them Godfathers like that. BECAUSE THEY ARE THE FIST...AND THAT FIST IS GOING TO RAM STRAIGHT UP HER ASS IF SHE KEEPS THIS SHIT UP!
Chandler Scott is just kinda dumbfounded as he’s handed his title and then eventually walks off while Bloodsport eventually has to be dragged away and stopped by referees.
WINNER: Draw
9. NON-TITLE MATCH
Christian Kane vs. Savannah Taylor - NON-TITLE
Christian Kane, as always, is Christian Kane. Well, except he’s still very much single (and plowing all the women), still blond and dashing and has his own business in Toronto now too called “#PLOWLIFE,” which plows the streets of his native Toronto out of any wintery trouble it can get, all plows being driven by sexy, powerful females...along with offering a high class courtesan service on the side! But the International champion is in for a shock as he sees a sight coming at the ramp while extremely catchy pop music begins to play…
His opponent, Savannah Taylor. Magdalena Lasiewicz. Alexandra Adams. Heather Halliwell.
THE SUPER MEGA IDOL LOLITA GROUP!!!! THE VIRGIN MARY’S!!!! THE VIRGIN MARY’S ARE HERE!!!!!!!
Their dancing routine alone is enough to get “#STUDLIFE” all hot and bothered as Savannah eventually makes her way to the ring, the other girls staying around the ring for support as Kane...y’know, tries to hit on her. Because he’s Christian Kane. Unfortunately, Savannah Taylor is a modest hard worker who is waiting for the right person to come along and sweep her off her wrestling boots. ...Christian Kane actually literally does that and ask if she wants to fuck here or get backstage first. Savannah is outraged...and so are the other three women who proceed to storm the ring right after the bell rings and outright beat the living FUCK out of Christian Kane, hitting him with finishing maneuvers left, right and center until all four of them grab on to one of Kane’s limbs (but not the one that matters to him) before lifting him up off the mat and into the air, slamming him down to the mat before leaving while doing another dancing routine.
The camera pans over to Christian Kane, who’s kind of now got a bloody nose, busted lip and is bruised all over...his reaction to being ravaged by multiple women in a non-sexy manner?
“Eh. Still worth it. #STUDLIFE!”
WINNER: Christian Kane (via DQ)
10. And now, we go to the ring...as the sound of gunshots and some bro screaming “FATHER..FORGIVE ME FOR THESE GAINS I’M ABOUT TO RECEIVE! REPS FOR JESUS! GO G-MEN!” blasts out of the PA before “Here Comes the Boom” by Nelly starts playing while “The Big L” Steve Lenton & Wulf Erikssen come out, EXODUS Pro World Tag Team titles on their waists. They eventually get in the ring, grab some mics and start talking about how they won TLC III and defended their titles for a historic seventh defense (having never lost it ages ago against the Ninth Gate at the end of May and defending the damn thing for a while), bragging about how their insane workout regimen tapes (WHICH YOU CAN TOTALLY BUY FOR 999 YEN...IN JAPAN) have made them better men than the rest of the people here in EXODUS and a better tag team than anybody else who’s tried stepping up to them. Cue Lenton inspirational speech about greatness that is literally the biggest backhanded compliment to anybody listening while Wulf talks about how these protein shakes, bars and actually giving a damn about his body made him a beast instead of a fat lard who eats burritos like everyone else in this audience...well, that plus the fact that regardless of who comes to challenge them tonight, they will defend their championships for a historical eighth time and continue to prove they are THE GREATEST TEAM IN GOD’S GREEN EA-
Cue “Snake Eater” by Cynthia Harrell blasting through the PA system as their challengers coming in…
...NONE OTHER THAN “SERAPH SNAKE” FIONA COLLINS, WHO FOR MONTHS HAS BEEN ON A MISSION TO ERADICATE EXODUS PRO FROM ITS EVIL ALONG WITH ENGAGING IN A FRIENDLY AND NOT-AT-ALL BITTER RIVALRY WITH SALLY TALFOURD IN WHICH THE TWO HAVE TRADED WINS AT THE LAST TWO PAY-PER-VIEWS!
AND...WAIT, IS THAT...THAT’S TOM HIGASHIKATA!!!! WITH HIS SHORT BLOND HAIR DYED SILVER! AND AN EXOSKELETON MORPHSUIT OF SOME SORT COVERING HIS BODY! AND A NINJA SWORD! OH SHIT, THIS IS A THING HERE WE GO!
11. EXODUS Pro World Tag Team Championship Match
TROUBLE (c) vs. Fiona Collins & Tom Higashikata
The champions are caught by surprise as Fiona and the SURPRISING Tom take it to them, Higashikata wrestling his VERY first match on top of that! Eventually, Lenton and Erikssen gather their bearings and have a huddle outside of the ring, screaming at one another about their gym routines this week not having them ready for this before eventually settling on making mincemeat of these two and then repenting for their unpreparedness by doing the one thing all sane, reasonable men fear doing inside of a gym...LEG DAY!
The champions do seem to get in sync at that point as they eventually isolate Tom Higashikata and take their turns beating up on him accordingly while Fiona Collins watches from her corner, grunting and making incoherent noises while holding on to the tag ropes when suddenly, she hears a beeping in her ear...AND SO DO THE TELEVISION VIEWERS. WHAT IN THE FUC- THERE’S A FUCKING CODEC SCREEN ON THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE TV AND JONATHAN COLLINS’ FACE IS ON ONE SIDE WHILE FIONA’S IS ON THE OTHER WHILE THE ACTION CONTINUES.
Jonathan Collins: Seraph Snake, can you read me?!
Fiona Collins: Yes, Captain! Loud and clear! ...Seems that Tom is still not quite used to the exoskeleton just yet.
Jonathan Collins: We knew this was a risk, Snake. But we cannot go back at this point. You and Tom have a mission to complete. Steve Lenton and Wulf Erikssen have gotten out of control ever since they ate the entirety of the Cinco de Mayo buffet...THEY MUST BE STOPPED!
Fiona Collins: I agr- Oh! Tom just used the exoskeleton’s strength to get back to his feet and hit Wulf with a bulldog!
Jonathan Collins: Now is your chance! Reach out for the tag and let ‘em have it, Snake!
Fiona Collins: Roger that!
The Codec cuts off just as Tom manages to make the tag and Fiona Collins comes in to clean some house in the babyface esque manner, using speedy attacks and some goddamned sweet CQC to take it to the champions, a flying STO damn near getting her a three count before Wulf somehow broke it up. TROUBLE goes to work at this point, irish whipping Fiona into the ropes...WHERE TOM REACHES OUT AND BLINDLY TAGS HIMSELF IN while she’s elevated for a double flapjack. Lenton takes the corner and waits for Fiona to stand up, unaware of the blind tag as he runs up and tries to hit Fiona with the BLITZ!!! but misses wide, although stopping himself before hitting the turnbuckle...but as he turns around...FISSION MAILED! FISSION MAILED!!!!! FIONA COLLINS HITS THE FISSION MAILED!!!!!! Wulf tries to get in to stop the madness, AND HE GETS FISSION MAILED AS WELL!!!!! And Tom’s in there now! He picks up Lenton as Fiona stands guard as he lifts him up and nails the HERO MAKER!!! COVER! HOLY SHIT WE HAVE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!! TOM HIGASHIKATA WINS A TITLE IN HIS VERY FIRST MATCH!!! FIONA COLLINS IS A GRAND SLAMMER!!! CAPTAIN JONATHAN COLLINS IS ACTUALLY NOT RETIRED RETIRED AFTER ALL!!! HAPPY JOY TO ALL!
WINNERS (and *NEW* EXODUS Pro World Tag Team Champions: Fiona Collins and Tom Higashikata
12. Another vignette here...showcasing a man of mystery. A man of secrets. A man with great intensity and somebody who is the greatest at his fucking craft. Multiple clips of him just unmercifully beating the living hell out of multiple opponents are shown. Finally, a clip of this man grabbing on to the ropes and leaning back in the wildest, most fierce form possible is shown before the cameras fade to black with only three words appearing:
SWAGSUKE TAKAMURA.
SOON!
13. EXODUS Pro World Championship Match
Chris Strike (c) vs. Zack Lifer
To start things off, Zack Lifer comes in...looking like the whitest rapper on the face of the planet. Yes, we’re talking the sideways hat, loose jeans, the grillz, everything. In fact, before the match even gets under way, he grabs a microphone and lays down a fresh, funky rhyme:
Yo! I’m Zack Lifer, the true gifted and amazing spirit,
Took the sky from Jimmy Riley, then got myself a skillet...
From Denny’s! Because they have great deals on food...
That I like to eat while dealing with all of the rude…
People! That I encounter every day. Yapping, clapping,
Smacking, whacking it all over the hay.
But hey, don’t worry, unlike Riley I’m not a snitch,
So watch me as I make Chris Strike my kung pow bitch!
EAST SIDE MOTHERFUCKERS~! Of course, the EXODUS Pro World champion comes out to “Sky Lagoon (X Theme)” by Toshihiko Horiyama, EXODUS Pro World title in his shoulder and the announcers give us a little back story that in order to beat mad scientist Dr. Magnus Gunner and his Gods & Monsters faction of robots, Chris Strike underwent a metamorphosis of sorts...as he looks almost cyborg-like while entering the ring and immediately takes it to Zack Lifer. It really all devolves into a damned brawl that eventually Lifer takes control of after nailing Strike with a surprise Forced Suicide and getting a damn near three count. But as Lifer wails into him, Strike continues to make his stand as champion and soon enough, begins to mount a comeback before reaching out to Lifer with his left hand. He grabs on to Lifer’s skull and his eyes open wide, a surge of power flowing through him as somehow, our goddamned TV screens show other shit that it shouldn’t normally show...
YOU GOT…FUNKY FRESH DOPE RHYME Y’ALL DRIVER!!!!
Strike ducks a clothesline attempt and nails Zack Lifer with a Mjolnir before taking his position and pointing his right arm at Lifer...then bringing it to near his mouth, which suddenly acts like a microphone!
Lifer, your days of ruining people’s ears are near an end,
So take your white guy rhymes, lack of flow and put ‘em in a blend!
But no, seriously, time for you to go do like the good doctor did…
Shut up, bite the pillow and eat a motherfucking DICK!
Strike dashes forward and BLASTS Zack Lifer with a spinning kesagiri chop and then Zack Lifer’s own Dead Air!!!! But before Chris can go for the cover, the lights go out for a good minute or so, a lot of noises of people slamming onto the mat and screams of pain being heard...and when the lights come on, Chris Strike is laid out in the center of the ring, sparks coming from joints of his body and staring unconsciously at the lights above him while eight figures stand around the ring...four in the turnbuckles and the other four in the ropes between them. All of them women, all of them with the same similar weird vibe that Chris Strike had and the cameras pan to each one of them as a loud cackling comes over the entirety of the PA system while the eight women become VERY recognizable…
Cassidy Carter. Jaina Frost. Celeste Mallory. Cailey Carter. Brianna Singer. Devan Amidala. Venus. And a mysterious beauty with the words “TSUNAMIWOMAN” written in the helmet she is wearing. Soon enough, the TitanTron showcases a scarred, cackling man with bandages wrapped all around his face and body...and while he isn’t recognizable by face, that laughter alone is enough to make the hairs stand in the back of everyone’s heads.
...
Dr. Magnus Gunner is still alive!
WINNER: No Contest
So...enjoy. Oh...and here’s a champion’s break down after The Autumn Effect 2: Plowfiesta 2014!
EXODUS Pro Champions:
World: Chris Strike
Tag Team: TROUBLE (Steve Lenton & Wulf Erikssen)
International: Christian Kane
San Diego Bay: Chandler Scott
EXODUS Pro on FX #26 (ON LSD!)
December 1, 2014
If only we were amongst friends... or sane persons!
1. It is the start of our first show post-Autumn Effect and the crowd at the Honda Center begins to boo furiously as “Like a Boss” by The Lonely Island begins playing while Chuck Matthews begins to stroll down the ramp with the biggest grin on his face. The commentators take this time to remind us that Nicholas Gray is out of power (LIKE A BOSS!) after Chuck Matthews managed to beat Zack Lifer (LIKE A BOSS!) after Lifer decided to just lie down for Chuck (LIKE A BOSS!) after the two beat the living hell out of Jimmy Riley (LIKE A BOSS!). Chuck looks proud as hell (LIKE A BOSS!) as he takes the microphone (LIKE A BOSS!) and his theme finally fades away (LIKE A BOSS!).
Anyways, shit stirring aside, Chuck Matthews is all about this business here tonight as he proceeds to gloat about winning over Lifer, beating up on Riley and sending Gray’s bags packing. However, Chuck does take this time to actually have a moment of silence for the fallen Christum Furor and Daisuke Iwakuma. But, y’know, he’s Chuck Matthews...and he’s THE BAWSE! He’ll work around it. So, there’s some business at hand tonight. LIKE SOME PRETTY BIG MATCHES! And given how Zack Lifer was THE most helpful and greatest person ever, his ban on winning titles...HAS BEEN LIFTED (LIKE A BOSS)! In fact, he’s going to go do the thing tonight for a title and fight none other than the new World champion, Chris Strike!!!
Oh, you think this good? Well Chuck went like “OH, HAVE SAVANNAH TAYLOR VS CHRISTIAN KANE! HAVE ABBY PARK VERSUS CHANDLER. HAVE TROUBLE VERSUS A BRAND NEW TEAM FOR THE BELTS! HAVE ALL THE THINGS!” Why, you ask? Because he’s THE BAWSE! And he’ll make this entire company a hell of a lot better now that he’s in charge of the whole shebang!
Also...shows are now weekly. Because Chuck Matthews likes this money, you see. Have fun!!!
2. Tom Farter vs. Emi Watanabe
Farter comes out to the boos of the crowd, looking like a particularly familiar douche...hey, gotta have developmental talent somewhere. “Geese’s Wide Shoulders” from the KOF ‘96 soundtrack starts playing over the PA and the crowd ROARS in approval as Emi Watanabe comes out, slicked blond hair, decked out in an aikidogi with red hakama and white uwagi without sandals. Oh, she looks pretty pissed off too while the other competitors look bewildered. Watanabe enters the ring and as she awaits for the bell to ring, Tom Farter starts laughing at any possible threat of Emi being dangerous - going even so far as to fart very, very loudly...a stink almost as bad as Selena Alexander’s rpies incident - and he dashes across the ring in order to attack her and fulfill every possible male clichéd idea about women and their role in society, when suddenly:
Emi Watanabe: REPUUKENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Without even knowing what hit him – in this case, a HOLYFUCKTHATSABLUESHINYENERGYWAVE - Tom Farter gets blasted by the attack and he’s practically a one-hit K.O. as he falls onto the mat. Emi evily looks down at the fallen Farter and tell him to go shit himself elsewhere before placing a foot on his chest and takes the pinfall over the unconscious Tom Farter. Mind you, this all happens in the spam of six point four seconds and three milliseconds. Meaning that Emi Watanabe just set a record for quickest victory in EXODUS Pro and she somehow learned Geese fucking Howard’s move list off of the Real Bout Fatal Fury manual on her Neo-Geo.
I am going to have so much fun with this gimmick.
WINNER: Emi Watanabe
3. Interview with Sally Talfourd being interviewed by Tom Matheny about her epic bout against Fiona Collins two weeks ago, leading to Sally talking about how getting one over the Ace of EXODUS Pro was a very fulfilling experience along with finding out the truth behind her attacker being Christum Furor and seeing him gone. She then starts talking about how weird things have become in EXODUS Pro ever since the catering table got shipped off to Mexico for a month and came back new as ever nearly one year ago...almost as if whatever people have been eating off of it has made them stranger somehow - which she managed to avoid because she’s a picky eater like that. Justin Brooks walks into the picture, telling Sally that she isn’t the only one that’s sane...and then telling her to check her privilege, like a white person should. Sally takes offense to that, given the fact she is Korean. Needless to say, this is the most normal war-of-snide-comments segment you can have to set up a bout between these two next week.
4. We eventually go to showcasing the inside of a wrestling ring and a small person with an interesting look to them...in the plainest in-ring gear possible, the segment showcasing beautiful and crisp technical moves being executed upon a varied pack of sparring partners that look something along the lines of the type of folks we saw at Zero McHannon’s wild and crazy parties before his unfortunate disappearance earlier this year that led TAFKA Prince Kamijo into exile and caused an entire nation to cry. Nonetheless, it eventually ends with said person hitting her sparring partner with a sweet butterfly suplex, then a tiger suplex that is transitioned it into a Cattle Mutilation.
LAUREL ANNE HARDY - NEXT WEEK!
5. Evangelista vs. Nathan Chapel
Evangelista comes out first, in full Reverend stuff and she be spreading the gospel of our “Technical Lord and Savior Who Will Be Here Next Week” Laurel Anne Hardy. She hands out some pamphlets and fliers to the folks at the Honda Center, claiming that the “Technical Savior” will free us all from this goddamned circus with her ART!!! Next, it’s none other than Nathan Chapel who comes out, wearing sunglasses, spiked up hair, has a tattoo with the name “NATHAN” across his chest and some sweet gear and music (in this universe, he’s pretty much a bachelor and Alexandra Adams is the one piece of tail he’s never gotten to bang...gotta keep things mixed up a bit). He also gives the cameras a pep talk that this isn’t the first religious zealots he’s run into...he had to go through worse at Shang Tsung’s island to be here today. The match begins and it’s a pretty good bout of speed vs. technique here with a few not-so-technical tricks employed by Evangelista to keep things under control. Eventually, Nathan Chapel starts making his comeback and gets a few close counts before Evangelista locks in the Lime Street Loop...but Chapel ESCAPES it somehow. That sends Evangelista into disarray, screaming as to HOW an untechnical SWINE like this one with a weird gimmick could overcome something like this…
Upset beyond disarray, Evangelista grabs on to the Technical Bible (which is really an almanac of greatest technical wrestlers on the planet) and attempts to hit Chapel with it...but Chapel does the splits! DICK PUNCH! DICK PUNCH! THE CROWD GOES INSANE AND BECAUSE EVANGELISTA IS A GIRL, CHAPEL IS NOT DISQUALIFIED! THE PAIN! THE PAIN IS ENOUGH FOR CHAPEL TO FOLLOW IT UP WITH A SHADOW KICK THAT PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON IT ALL!!!!! NATHAN CHAPEL PULLS IT OFF! NOW HE GETS TO GO BACKSTAGE AND ENJOY THE COMPANY OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WHOM HE WILL MOST CERTAINLY BANG…
But none of them are Alexandra Adams, so he kinda loses out still.
WINNER: Nathan Chapel
6. Adrien Cochrane vs. Black Jones
Adrien comes out first with a plethora of women alongside him, as the announcers put over the fact that ever since he won his divorce in such a manner that Adrianna Rivers begged to be boomed out of existence, he’s been floundered by many women from across the globe who want “The Coch” and to be a part of the “Cochtourage” - which Adrien makes a snide comment about being more productive than anything the Graytourage ever did during their power and that Chuck Matthews gets things done (LIKE A BOSS!)...but that comes to a screeching halt as the lights go out…
ZUGAGAN GAGAN GAN! (DO THE MUSCLE!)
ZUBABAN BABAN BAN! (HUSTLE MUSCLE!)
GO! GO! FIGHT!
As “HUSTLE MUSCLE” by Yougo Kouno plays over the PA system, Black Jones comes out to the roar of the crowd who chant along with his theme’s chorus as he poses to them, showing himself to be even more ripped than the usual - saying something along the lines of the Hercules Factory keeping his daily grind on. This is another one of those matches where both guys get their moments in it but Cochrane takes control, with Adrien coming close a few times and almost hitting Black Jones with the “Coch-Kick Barrage” in which Black Jones gets the fuck out of the way rather quickly. Channeling his strength to fight on, his BURNING INNER STRENGTH~! pushing him on as the Niku Mark appears on his forehead and Black Jones mounts the comeback. He eventually catches Adrien as he goes for the Crescent City Connection and connects with the BLACK-NIKU BUSTER!!!!!! A pinfall later and Black Jones has pinned a former EXODUS Pro World champion! Duke Togo is right there, screaming in the most obnoxious manner about how THE COCH JUST CAUGHT THIS FUCKING FADE FROM THE OG OF PLANET KINNIKU, YOUR BOY BLACK JONES!!!! ...That said, Black Jones kinda has to tell him to chill for a moment here.
WINNER: Black Jones
7. Segment with the Masked Salaryman talking about his interest in the San Diego Bay title now held by Chandler Scott
8. NON-TITLE MATCH
Chandler Scott vs. Abby Park
A BIG match with future title implications after Abby Park and Johnny Cannon failed in their challenge for the EXODUS Pro World Tag Team titles in TLC III. Abby comes out as she’s been doing over the last few weeks, reciting whispering sonnets to a skull head that she’s affectionately come to call “Yorick” while Chandler Scott comes out, fired up and REALLY FEELING IT like the energetic and determined “Appalachian State Picket” that he is. This is one of those matches where Chandler’s power does do its fair share of damage, but Abby Park’s speed combined with her smarts (not to mention innate knowledge of Shakespearean comedies) eventually brought the fight to her speed and led to her taking advantage...this match does go the full distance with the fifteen minute time limit and to a draw, which the crowd is disappointed about but really happy when Abby Park and Chandler Scott shake hands, showing TRUE SPORTSMANSHIP and whatnot!
...That is, of course, until the (R)Evolution Wrestling team known as “BLOODSPORT” comes out from the crowd, sliding into the ring and beginning to beat the holy living fuck out of Abby Park, the two of them SCREAMING at our favorite thespian about how blatantly disrespectful she has been putting her hands on a Godfather of Wrestling like that, reminding her very well that just because Gabe Gambino is dealing with limbo right now that it doesn’t give her the right to disrespect all of them Godfathers like that. BECAUSE THEY ARE THE FIST...AND THAT FIST IS GOING TO RAM STRAIGHT UP HER ASS IF SHE KEEPS THIS SHIT UP!
Chandler Scott is just kinda dumbfounded as he’s handed his title and then eventually walks off while Bloodsport eventually has to be dragged away and stopped by referees.
WINNER: Draw
9. NON-TITLE MATCH
Christian Kane vs. Savannah Taylor - NON-TITLE
Christian Kane, as always, is Christian Kane. Well, except he’s still very much single (and plowing all the women), still blond and dashing and has his own business in Toronto now too called “#PLOWLIFE,” which plows the streets of his native Toronto out of any wintery trouble it can get, all plows being driven by sexy, powerful females...along with offering a high class courtesan service on the side! But the International champion is in for a shock as he sees a sight coming at the ramp while extremely catchy pop music begins to play…
His opponent, Savannah Taylor. Magdalena Lasiewicz. Alexandra Adams. Heather Halliwell.
THE SUPER MEGA IDOL LOLITA GROUP!!!! THE VIRGIN MARY’S!!!! THE VIRGIN MARY’S ARE HERE!!!!!!!
Their dancing routine alone is enough to get “#STUDLIFE” all hot and bothered as Savannah eventually makes her way to the ring, the other girls staying around the ring for support as Kane...y’know, tries to hit on her. Because he’s Christian Kane. Unfortunately, Savannah Taylor is a modest hard worker who is waiting for the right person to come along and sweep her off her wrestling boots. ...Christian Kane actually literally does that and ask if she wants to fuck here or get backstage first. Savannah is outraged...and so are the other three women who proceed to storm the ring right after the bell rings and outright beat the living FUCK out of Christian Kane, hitting him with finishing maneuvers left, right and center until all four of them grab on to one of Kane’s limbs (but not the one that matters to him) before lifting him up off the mat and into the air, slamming him down to the mat before leaving while doing another dancing routine.
The camera pans over to Christian Kane, who’s kind of now got a bloody nose, busted lip and is bruised all over...his reaction to being ravaged by multiple women in a non-sexy manner?
“Eh. Still worth it. #STUDLIFE!”
WINNER: Christian Kane (via DQ)
10. And now, we go to the ring...as the sound of gunshots and some bro screaming “FATHER..FORGIVE ME FOR THESE GAINS I’M ABOUT TO RECEIVE! REPS FOR JESUS! GO G-MEN!” blasts out of the PA before “Here Comes the Boom” by Nelly starts playing while “The Big L” Steve Lenton & Wulf Erikssen come out, EXODUS Pro World Tag Team titles on their waists. They eventually get in the ring, grab some mics and start talking about how they won TLC III and defended their titles for a historic seventh defense (having never lost it ages ago against the Ninth Gate at the end of May and defending the damn thing for a while), bragging about how their insane workout regimen tapes (WHICH YOU CAN TOTALLY BUY FOR 999 YEN...IN JAPAN) have made them better men than the rest of the people here in EXODUS and a better tag team than anybody else who’s tried stepping up to them. Cue Lenton inspirational speech about greatness that is literally the biggest backhanded compliment to anybody listening while Wulf talks about how these protein shakes, bars and actually giving a damn about his body made him a beast instead of a fat lard who eats burritos like everyone else in this audience...well, that plus the fact that regardless of who comes to challenge them tonight, they will defend their championships for a historical eighth time and continue to prove they are THE GREATEST TEAM IN GOD’S GREEN EA-
Cue “Snake Eater” by Cynthia Harrell blasting through the PA system as their challengers coming in…
...NONE OTHER THAN “SERAPH SNAKE” FIONA COLLINS, WHO FOR MONTHS HAS BEEN ON A MISSION TO ERADICATE EXODUS PRO FROM ITS EVIL ALONG WITH ENGAGING IN A FRIENDLY AND NOT-AT-ALL BITTER RIVALRY WITH SALLY TALFOURD IN WHICH THE TWO HAVE TRADED WINS AT THE LAST TWO PAY-PER-VIEWS!
AND...WAIT, IS THAT...THAT’S TOM HIGASHIKATA!!!! WITH HIS SHORT BLOND HAIR DYED SILVER! AND AN EXOSKELETON MORPHSUIT OF SOME SORT COVERING HIS BODY! AND A NINJA SWORD! OH SHIT, THIS IS A THING HERE WE GO!
11. EXODUS Pro World Tag Team Championship Match
TROUBLE (c) vs. Fiona Collins & Tom Higashikata
The champions are caught by surprise as Fiona and the SURPRISING Tom take it to them, Higashikata wrestling his VERY first match on top of that! Eventually, Lenton and Erikssen gather their bearings and have a huddle outside of the ring, screaming at one another about their gym routines this week not having them ready for this before eventually settling on making mincemeat of these two and then repenting for their unpreparedness by doing the one thing all sane, reasonable men fear doing inside of a gym...LEG DAY!
The champions do seem to get in sync at that point as they eventually isolate Tom Higashikata and take their turns beating up on him accordingly while Fiona Collins watches from her corner, grunting and making incoherent noises while holding on to the tag ropes when suddenly, she hears a beeping in her ear...AND SO DO THE TELEVISION VIEWERS. WHAT IN THE FUC- THERE’S A FUCKING CODEC SCREEN ON THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE TV AND JONATHAN COLLINS’ FACE IS ON ONE SIDE WHILE FIONA’S IS ON THE OTHER WHILE THE ACTION CONTINUES.
Jonathan Collins: Seraph Snake, can you read me?!
Fiona Collins: Yes, Captain! Loud and clear! ...Seems that Tom is still not quite used to the exoskeleton just yet.
Jonathan Collins: We knew this was a risk, Snake. But we cannot go back at this point. You and Tom have a mission to complete. Steve Lenton and Wulf Erikssen have gotten out of control ever since they ate the entirety of the Cinco de Mayo buffet...THEY MUST BE STOPPED!
Fiona Collins: I agr- Oh! Tom just used the exoskeleton’s strength to get back to his feet and hit Wulf with a bulldog!
Jonathan Collins: Now is your chance! Reach out for the tag and let ‘em have it, Snake!
Fiona Collins: Roger that!
The Codec cuts off just as Tom manages to make the tag and Fiona Collins comes in to clean some house in the babyface esque manner, using speedy attacks and some goddamned sweet CQC to take it to the champions, a flying STO damn near getting her a three count before Wulf somehow broke it up. TROUBLE goes to work at this point, irish whipping Fiona into the ropes...WHERE TOM REACHES OUT AND BLINDLY TAGS HIMSELF IN while she’s elevated for a double flapjack. Lenton takes the corner and waits for Fiona to stand up, unaware of the blind tag as he runs up and tries to hit Fiona with the BLITZ!!! but misses wide, although stopping himself before hitting the turnbuckle...but as he turns around...FISSION MAILED! FISSION MAILED!!!!! FIONA COLLINS HITS THE FISSION MAILED!!!!!! Wulf tries to get in to stop the madness, AND HE GETS FISSION MAILED AS WELL!!!!! And Tom’s in there now! He picks up Lenton as Fiona stands guard as he lifts him up and nails the HERO MAKER!!! COVER! HOLY SHIT WE HAVE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!! TOM HIGASHIKATA WINS A TITLE IN HIS VERY FIRST MATCH!!! FIONA COLLINS IS A GRAND SLAMMER!!! CAPTAIN JONATHAN COLLINS IS ACTUALLY NOT RETIRED RETIRED AFTER ALL!!! HAPPY JOY TO ALL!
WINNERS (and *NEW* EXODUS Pro World Tag Team Champions: Fiona Collins and Tom Higashikata
12. Another vignette here...showcasing a man of mystery. A man of secrets. A man with great intensity and somebody who is the greatest at his fucking craft. Multiple clips of him just unmercifully beating the living hell out of multiple opponents are shown. Finally, a clip of this man grabbing on to the ropes and leaning back in the wildest, most fierce form possible is shown before the cameras fade to black with only three words appearing:
SWAGSUKE TAKAMURA.
SOON!
13. EXODUS Pro World Championship Match
Chris Strike (c) vs. Zack Lifer
To start things off, Zack Lifer comes in...looking like the whitest rapper on the face of the planet. Yes, we’re talking the sideways hat, loose jeans, the grillz, everything. In fact, before the match even gets under way, he grabs a microphone and lays down a fresh, funky rhyme:
Yo! I’m Zack Lifer, the true gifted and amazing spirit,
Took the sky from Jimmy Riley, then got myself a skillet...
From Denny’s! Because they have great deals on food...
That I like to eat while dealing with all of the rude…
People! That I encounter every day. Yapping, clapping,
Smacking, whacking it all over the hay.
But hey, don’t worry, unlike Riley I’m not a snitch,
So watch me as I make Chris Strike my kung pow bitch!
EAST SIDE MOTHERFUCKERS~! Of course, the EXODUS Pro World champion comes out to “Sky Lagoon (X Theme)” by Toshihiko Horiyama, EXODUS Pro World title in his shoulder and the announcers give us a little back story that in order to beat mad scientist Dr. Magnus Gunner and his Gods & Monsters faction of robots, Chris Strike underwent a metamorphosis of sorts...as he looks almost cyborg-like while entering the ring and immediately takes it to Zack Lifer. It really all devolves into a damned brawl that eventually Lifer takes control of after nailing Strike with a surprise Forced Suicide and getting a damn near three count. But as Lifer wails into him, Strike continues to make his stand as champion and soon enough, begins to mount a comeback before reaching out to Lifer with his left hand. He grabs on to Lifer’s skull and his eyes open wide, a surge of power flowing through him as somehow, our goddamned TV screens show other shit that it shouldn’t normally show...
YOU GOT…FUNKY FRESH DOPE RHYME Y’ALL DRIVER!!!!
Strike ducks a clothesline attempt and nails Zack Lifer with a Mjolnir before taking his position and pointing his right arm at Lifer...then bringing it to near his mouth, which suddenly acts like a microphone!
Lifer, your days of ruining people’s ears are near an end,
So take your white guy rhymes, lack of flow and put ‘em in a blend!
But no, seriously, time for you to go do like the good doctor did…
Shut up, bite the pillow and eat a motherfucking DICK!
Strike dashes forward and BLASTS Zack Lifer with a spinning kesagiri chop and then Zack Lifer’s own Dead Air!!!! But before Chris can go for the cover, the lights go out for a good minute or so, a lot of noises of people slamming onto the mat and screams of pain being heard...and when the lights come on, Chris Strike is laid out in the center of the ring, sparks coming from joints of his body and staring unconsciously at the lights above him while eight figures stand around the ring...four in the turnbuckles and the other four in the ropes between them. All of them women, all of them with the same similar weird vibe that Chris Strike had and the cameras pan to each one of them as a loud cackling comes over the entirety of the PA system while the eight women become VERY recognizable…
Cassidy Carter. Jaina Frost. Celeste Mallory. Cailey Carter. Brianna Singer. Devan Amidala. Venus. And a mysterious beauty with the words “TSUNAMIWOMAN” written in the helmet she is wearing. Soon enough, the TitanTron showcases a scarred, cackling man with bandages wrapped all around his face and body...and while he isn’t recognizable by face, that laughter alone is enough to make the hairs stand in the back of everyone’s heads.
...
Dr. Magnus Gunner is still alive!
WINNER: No Contest