ORANGE COUNTY TITLE TOURNAMENT - ROUND 1
JACKIE THE LAD vs. NoVaK
People were so ready for this one. NoVaK has been a man the Revo crowd has quickly come to hate, his attacks on Cthulhu Jones and Heather Halliwell shooting him to the top of the crowd's hate list. But for Jackie Fowler, it was more personal than that. Jackie's close friend Dave had been corrupted by NoVaK into...whatever the fuck DaVeAk was. And Jackie has not hid his anger at the Supernova for apparently doing this to her. And tonight he had his chance to get some revenge, augmented by Heather offering a reward to him if he managed to beat the facepainted star traveler. NoVaK, of course, had no intention of letting Jackie get what he wanted. So what happened in the match was pretty inevitable.
They tore each other apart.
The moment the bell rang Jackie CHARGED at NoVaK, with the Supernova surprisingly doing the same, the two colliding in the center of the ring and immediately beginning to pound fists into one another! Jackie's hard and swift strikes have an immediate effect on the Supernova but, surprisingly, his strikes are no slouches either as Jackie clearly feels them! But NoVaK is an unpredictable one, and his nature shown through as he fakes Jackie out by going for a punch only to switch it into a palm to his forehead, knocking Jackie off balance and allowing Cody to get hold of Jackie's arm, flipping him to the mat and locking in an armbar! However this seems to be more part of NoVaK's game than a serious attempt to gain a win, as he slams his foot into Jackie's face a few times instead of seriously working his arm, releasing it after. Jackie, now even more pissed off than before, lunges at NoVaK, only for the Supernova to sidestep, sending Jackie crashing awkwardly into the ropes, with NoVaK quick to keep him there by pressing his boot into the lad's back, pinning him against the ropes. Again NoVaK uses this to mess with Jackie rather than seriously hurt him, as he instead just reaches down with both hands and vigorously ruffles Jackie's hair.
Jackie has never looked more violated.
NoVaK stepped back after this, letting a FUMING Fowler get to his feet. NoVaK blows a raspberry at him and Jackie lets out a roar as he charges at him, but manages to take NoVaK by surprise by LAUNCHING into the air, shoulder-tackling the supernova to the mat! He quickly mounts NoVaK and begins to lay into his face with fist after fist, not letting up, just SMASHING him in the face! The referee quickly steps in and begins a five count that Jackie ignores to 4, so the ref is forced to pull Fowler off to keep from DQ'ing him, which seems to only piss him off more. This allows NoVaK to get to his feet, blood running from his mouth now as he screams out at Jackie, a wide grin on his face. Jackie stares at him, seething, but does something that surprises everyone. He turns around and walks to the other side of the ring and leans against it, pounding his fist into the turnbuckle. Even Cody seems uncertain at what's happening, as Jackie seems to work his frustrations out not on him but on a turnbuckle. Jackie seems to finish, and turns to face NoVaK once more. They approach one another and Jackie takes a sloppy swing that NoVaK easily dodges, grinning...but that grin fades when Jackie stops his punch halfway through and reverses it, SLAMMING his elbow into NoVaK's nose! The Lad doesn't waste time as he twists his body around, doing a full rotation before hitting NoVaK with a rolling elbow! The Supernova stumbles back, blood now running from his nose as well as his mouth, he hits the ropes and stumbles off them awkwardly, coming straight into the embrace of Jackie Fowler who tosses him back with a belly to belly suplex! He comes straight up with a roar as the crowd goes mad for the Lad! The Supernova is now the one looking angry as he comes up, coming at Jackie, ducking under a blow and wrapping his arms around Jackie's waist, lifting him up for a German, only for Jackie to stomp his feet down onto NoVaK's, forcing a yell out of the Supernova who releases him! Jackie sees his chance now, grabbing NoVaK and spinning him out for the Lancaster Bomber...but NoVaK ducks under! He hits the ropes, coming off for something...but runs into an eyepoke from Fowler! Now blinded, there's little the Supernova can do as he's once again drawn close to Jackie who spins him out and back and nails him with the LANCASTER BOMBER! He covers the Supernova and the referee falls to count. 1...2...3! THE LAD HAS GIVEN THE SUPERNOVA HIS FIRST LOSS!
The crowd goes apeshit over what they've just seen, applauding the Lad who took down a Supernova, and perhaps even clapping for the effort from NoVaK. But, oddly enough, despite being clearly very happy about what he's just done, Jackie doesn't take the time to celebrate. He immediately slides from the ring and takes off backstage, much to the confusion of everyone, leaving NoVaK by himself to regroup as the victorious Jackie runs off to whatever he's searching for.
WINNER: JACKIE THE LAD
We cut to backstage, directly after the battle between Jackie Fowler and NoVaK. Jackie is frantically searching backstage for someone, screaming out their name in an effort for them to hear.
Jackie Fowler: DAVE! DAVE! Where the fuck are ya, woman?
Jackie begins overturning boxes and equipment. He grips hold of various stagehands by the collar, shaking them about as he tries to get an answer.
Jackie Fowler: Where’s Dave? Where is she?
He shakes one stagehand with the name tag ‘Randy’ about so much that they soil their trousers, so he pushes that one away. He shakes another who has zero response, so they get a slap in the face and the infamous phrase
”Suck Me Dick!” He continues on, opening a bin, only to be welcomed by a small man in a purple turban. Before the well-known midget can say anything though, he gets a bop on the head from The Lad. He also gets to hear
”Suck Me Dick!” as well. Finally he stops in front of a poster, one of his love interest Ruby Tyler, advertising the next EXODUS Pro broadcast. He pauses in front of it for a moment, gazes upon it, then says
”You can Suck Me Dick later!” He then continues his frantic search.
Jackie Fowler: Where are you, Dave? I put your boy down! It’s about time we fuckin’ talk, you hear?
As he turns a corner, he sees a door in the middle of the room. It is simply sat there in the middle, not attached to a wall or anything. It is covered in glitter, with a giant star in the centre bearing the words
Gateway To A Galaxy That Prays The Gay Away. Jackie shrugs and opens it.
Jackie Fowler: What the fuck?
Inside this ‘room’ he finds who he is looking for, in an all gold figure hugging body suit with a Madonna-esque cone bra covering the breasts. Her face is painted gold as well, with a cream star over her eye. Half her long sandy blonde locks have been shaven off, a painting of green vines upon the stumble. She is bouncing about on a space hopper (also gold in colour, but with a picture of NoVaK upon it).
Dave: Would you like a pineapple?
As Jackie approaches her, she reaches into a nearby box labelled
Sex Toys and begins to hurl pineapples at the young Englishman. He attempts to avoid them, but is plonked on the head by a couple. Then a dildo. Then a toy hamster dressed up as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Kamijo.
Jackie Fowler: Jesus, Dave! Stop throwing pineapples at me! And what the fuck were that hamster?
Dave: You hurt my glorious starry penised NoVaK! You will feel the power of the spiky balled pineapples of sexual doom!
She bounces about in a crazed fury, laughing all the way as she continues to throw fruit and other items such as a toy transformer, a boat made out of yogurt pots and an empty box covered in dust labelled
Aries Reed’s Chances Against Andreas Lasiewicz, which then completely falls apart on impact.
Jackie Fowler: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Dave: These pineapples gave me pleasure, now they bring you pain! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!
As she resorts to flinging more pineapples, all with amusing smiley faces made out of berries, Jackie grips hold of her firmly, trying to take some sense into the crazed woman.
Jackie Fowler: This isn’t you, Dave! You’re me mate. I ain’t gonna let you be brainwashed by some painted up freak! I know the real you, you’re like a sister to me, mate. Snap out of it.
Dave: I don’t like your face… WE SHOULD REPLACE IT WITH A PINEAPPLE THEN HAVE GLORIOUS LANNISTER INCEST!
She then slams a smiley faced pineapple upon his head with a splat, and he staggers backwards, his entire head seemingly replaced by the spiked fruit.
Jackie Fowler: The fuck!?
As Dave spears him to the ground and straddles him like a pony, she begins screaming in his ears.
Dave: You can be Cersei, I’ll be Jaime and Ruby Tuesday can be Joffrey’s corpse and we go bang bang in the Sept! WITH PINEAPPLES!
The pineapple wearing Jackie begins crawling around on all fours with Dave spanking him as he attempts to throw her off like a bucking bronco.
Jackie Fowler: I can’t see shit. Get the fuck off of me, you crazy tosspot!
Dave: And whose a Jew, the proud whore said, that I must blow so low? Only a cat on a different boat, that's all the Babe Ruth I know. In a coat of mould or a coat of bread, a dildo with some jaws. And mine is long and looks like a carp, my Lord, as long and carppy as yours. And so he yolked, and so he yolked, that whore of ‘Can’t Drink Beer’, But now the rains weep o'er his balls, with no one there but queers.
As she continues to attempt to sing the song
The Rains Of Castamere, albeit badly, out of tune and with completely the wrong lyrics, Jackie finally throws her off. He takes off the pineapple, his face covered in fruit juice as he scowls at her.
Jackie Fowler: Those aren’t even the lyrics, you crazy cow!
Dave: Lyrics do not matter when they are powered by NoVaK Genitalia!
Jackie Fowler: Seriously Dave! You need help. I can take you to someone who can help… STOP THROWING FUCKING PINEAPPLES!
Dave: FEEL THE POWER OF THE SEXUALLY CHARGED PINEAPPLES! TASTE THEIR LAXATIVE POWERS! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!
She suddenly halts the hurling of fruit when another person catches her eye. Dressed in a floral gown, bare foot and holding a potted rose in her hands. The mysterious woman with golden blonde hair puts down the rose on a nearby table, then skips over towards the crazed DaVeAk.
Gabriella Fleurette: Hello…
The flower girl then takes the crazy woman by surprise by grabbing hold her painted face and planting a rich kiss upon her lips. Dave flails around for a second or two, before accepting the liplock and returning the favour. As their kiss deepens, Jackie just sits there dumbfounded, his mouth wide open in shock. As Gabriella pulls away, she seems to blow a thin layer of smoke into the air, as Dave’s eyes roll into the back of her head and she collapse in a heap. Gabby looks down on her, then to Jackie.
Gabriella Fleurette: Was this not a socially acceptable greeting?
Jackie has absolutely no response to give, as Gabriella picks up her red rose and begins to skip off into the other direction.
Gabriella Fleurette: Never mind, come on Lothar. Let’s go on a journey!
As she vanishes from view with a skip and a hop, Jackie scratches his head.
Jackie Fowler: This place just gets weirder and weirder.
Dave: Errr…
As Dave begins to stir, her facial makeup all smudged because of the kiss, Jackie runs over to help her up/
Jackie Fowler: Dave. DAVE! Are you okay? Say something. Jesus, fuck, wank, tits. Say something, anything!
Dave: W-what… the hell… is going on?
Jackie Fowler: Thank fuck for that!
Dave looks perplexed, looking around her everywhere as she tries to figure out what is going on.
Dave: Jackie? Is that you? Where am I? What’s going on?
Jackie Fowler: Don’t matter, mate. All’s good.
Dave: I had the weirdest dream. Last thing I remember I was going on a date with some guy I met on the University campus. The next I’m here… Why am I covered in paint? And where did all these pineapples come from?
Jackie starts to look worried, as Dave scans around the area taking in the unusual sights.
Jackie Fowler: Errr… It’s a long story.
Dave: And why is half of my head shaved? Jackie? JACKIE? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?
Dave then stands up, angered behold belief as she pulls off one of her shoes and begins to beat Jackie around the head with it.
Jackie Fowler: Oh shit!
Dave: COME BACK HERE YOU, LITTLE TOERAG, AND LET ME BEAT YOU WITH MY SHOE!
As the pair of them run away out of view, we suddenly cut to static. We hear screams, closely followed by birds chirping, then the following image and words.
As we cut back to static once more, we revert to elsewhere in the arena.