HE WHO SLEEPS AWAKENS TO FACE THE STARS
CTHULHU JONES vs. NoVaK
Suddenly, the lights in the arena black out completely, the white noise of static flooding the speakers in a rather horrifying manner, when suddenly on RW's version of the EXOScreen...
Suddenly, synthesizer and electronic noise comes through the speakers in place of the static as the picture never seems to get any clearer, the sounds of "Jacquard Causeway" by Boards of Canada kicking in as finally a single spotlight shows up at the entrance...in the form of a star. A familiar Danish accent is then heard as Steri steps out into the spotlight, a microphone in her hand.
Steri: Please welcome...from the Superunknown....representing The Family....NoVaK...THE SUPERRRRRRNOVVVVAAAA!
The same sample and sounds continue to the slow drum beat as NoVaK begins walking toward the entrance way with Steri following closely behind him. With a huge grin on the face of the Supernova it seems like the light follows him, small lights that look like stars lighting up over the ring, aisle, and entrance while he steps down, practically stalking something or someone on the way to the ring. As what seems to be the broken and hypnotic music track continues to play, the house lights start to flash in time with the drum beat, almost as if he's creating electrical feedback by being in the area. The Supernova starts to shiver in delight as he finally makes it into the ring, darkening the arena again, now making the "stars" burn brighter to the beat of the music instead of the house lights. This goes on as he looks out at the crowd, already booing him as he climbs the turnbuckle, spreading his arms wide whilst Steri makes her way to his corner.
David Zinkus: And now, introducing his oppone-!
David Zinkus suddenly starts violently shuddering, going into spasms on the spot, even taking the every strange NoVaK by surprise.
Pond: What the hell is up with Zinkus? Is he having some kind of fit? Do we have to have an EMT come out before the match even starts…?
As suddenly as the convulsions came on, they stop, Zinkus standing perfectly still in the middle of the ring. Slowly, he draws the mic to his mouth, in an alien fashion, almost as if he was a marionette being manipulated from on high. He slowly brings the mic to his mouth, his voice sounding strange, distorted and somewhat… distant?
David Zinkus?: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.Suddenly, the lights in the arena dip, leaving the arena in a cold, blue light. The air takes on an almost imperceptible dampness, and a strange stillness.
Pond: Oh hell no. Not more of this weirdness.
Once more, the puppet of David Zinkus speaks.
David Zinkus?: i]Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.[/i]
Suddenly, Zinkus staggers back, as if punched in the stomach, and shaking his head, seems to come to his senses, just as the guitar intro
Chop Suey by System Of A Down starts to play through the PA system. As soon as it does, two of the cultists, seen last week, appear in the arena’s entrance way, each carrying a flaming torch in their off hands, and carrying… something between them. As the intro continues, so do they, revealing another two cultists behind them, and a further two behind them. It has become apparent that they’re carrying something on a stretcher between them, seemingly a bundle of rags. In addition, six strange hieroglyphs appear on the screen. Every seven seconds, another morphs into English, in order from left to right.
A
W
A
K
E
N
As the N is revealed, the lyrics kick in.
“WAKE UP”
With this, a figure hidden within the rags on the stretcher suddenly sits bolt upright, surprising the crowd closest to them. The cultists don’t move in the slightest, as the figure leaps off the front of the stretcher, discarding the rags that cover him as he does, revealing the figure of Cthulhu Jones, in much the same state as we saw him last week, naked apart from some tattered rags around his groin area, and covered from head to toe in arcane symbols. He snarls, an almost inhuman, guttural roar, and charges to the ring, leaping the apron with a single bound, and climbing the ropes, until he stands, one foot on the middle rope, one on the top, looking directly at NoVaK, and just pointing at his opponent. With another roar, he indicates for the bell to be rung, his music suddenly cutting out as he springboards into the ring, the bell sounding as his unshod feet hit the canvas.
Pond: A very… unorthodox ring entrance from Cthulhu Jones there, don’t you think Minoru?
She looks to her broadcast partner, uncharacteristically silent, as he looks at the ring, stoney faced, not saying a word.
Pond: Um… Minoru?
Slowly, Minoru Asano turns to face his partner, his eyes taking on an even more vacant than normal glaze.
Minoru Asano?: The one you call Minoru is gone. Your commentary partner for this match is I, Yog-Sarath, She Who Dwells In Sleet, mother of a thousand bastard suckling young.
Pond responds with just one raised eyebrow, coupled with moving her chair away as far as her headset’s cable will allow.
Pond: I’m not paid enough for this.
In the ring, Cthulhu is standing stock still, not moving, his head bowed, his long hair covering his painted face. With an almost animalistic quality, NoVaK regards him standing there, not sure even how to approach. He slowly circles him, getting behind Jones, without the painted luchador even moving. With what almost approximates to a shrug, NoVaK goes to grab Cthulhu, only for Jones to suddenly burst forward, charging into the ring ropes. As he rebounds back, NoVaK drops a shoulder, looking to send Cthulhu up and over, only for the Cthulhuchador to vault him, and continue running. As he rebounds once more, Cthulhu goes for a Low Dropkick, only it’s NoVaK’s turn to dodge this time, leaping into the air with a star jump, letting Cthulhu slide harmlessly underneath him.
Pond: Neither man managing to land a blow on the other yet.
Yog-Sarath: There are no men here. Only a star, and the one who will devour it.
Pond: … OK.
Cthulhu, who has slid on his posterior, executes a quick Kip-Up to get back to his feet, whilst NoVaK almost pirouettes around. He charges at Cthulhu, who’s facing the wrong way, going for a Sweeping Kick, only for Jones to dive backwards, blindly, and hit the floor shoulders first, rolling through to his feet, taking his cue to now charge as NoVaK spins once more. Cthulhu goes for a High Knee, and connects, staggering NoVaK back into the ropes. The Supernova uses the momentum he gains from the ropes to his favour though, rebounding back and hitting the surprised Cthulhu with a Double Axe Handle, knocking him down to the deck.
Pond: And first blood goes to NoVaK, as Cthulhu hits the deck!
NoVaK immediately tries to press his advantage, trying to neutralize Cthulhu’s high flying advantage by locking in an Indian Deathlock. Cthulhu immediately reacts, reaching up and trying to lock a Headlock on the Supernova, only to be beaten back by a flurry of Back Elbows as NoVaK continues to apply pressure with his other arm. Cthulhu leans back on the mat to alleviate the pressure, only for the ref to see his shoulders down, and start the pin!
ONE
TWO
Cthulhu sits back up, and with seemingly supernatural resilience leans forward, placing more pressure on himself, and hitting NoVaK with a sudden Throat Thrust, taking the warrior from the Superunknown by surprise, and forcing him to loosen his grip as he fights for breath, allowing Cthulhu to work his legs free.
Yog-Sarath: The conclusion here is already foretold. The star will be extinguished.
Pond: Well, Jones is going to have to pull more out if he’s going to achieve that here.
Cthulhu rolls back, and stands up, easing himself up on the ropes as he works the kinks back out of his legs. Unfortunately, this allows NoVaK time to return to his feet, and continue his assault, as he hops forward and spins, hitting Jones with a Discus Knee Strike, causing him to fall into the ropes. NoVaK capitalises on this, leaning into Cthulhu and letting loose a flurry of Open Hand Palm Strikes whilst Jones is trapped against the ropes, ignoring the referee’s call for his to stop. The referee starts counting him, and he finally stops after the second count, stopping as suddenly as he started, and retreating to the middle of the ring, his arms spread, ignoring the waves of hate this seems to generate from the crowd. He turns back to his quarry, just in time to see the calf of Cthulhu Jones make contact with his face, as Jones hits him with a Springboard Leg Lariat, and taking him down to the mat, before following up with an incredible Standing 450° Splash!
Pond: Good grief, what the hell was that!
Cthulhu hooks the leg.
ONE
TW-
NoVaK gets the shoulder up.
Yog-Sarath: A taste of what’s to come.
Pond: You know, I never thought I’d actually say this, but I miss Minoru.
Cthulhu gets up, dragging NoVaK up with him, before whipping him into the corner. He chases after him, and connects with a Running Big Boot, whipping NoVaK’s head to the side as he makes contact with his cheek. Following up, Cthulhu whips him to the opposite corner. As he runs after him, NoVaK suddenly seems to trip, and grabs the referee to steady himself, pulling him into Cthulhu’s path, and Jones crashes into him, knocking him to the mat.
Pond: The referee is down! Man down!
Yog-Sarath: That was no accident. The Supernova is attempting to engineer factors to his favour.
Pond: Thanks for the update, Captain Obvious.
Looking to the fallen ref, Cthulhu quickly shakes his head, instead looking to attack NoVaK, who has fallen to a seated position by the ring post. As he reaches down to pick him up, however, NoVaK suddenly bursts forward, Green Mist spraying from his lips, straight into the eyes of Cthulhu, causing him to stagger backwards as he attempts to remove the liquid from his eyes.
Pond: NoVaK with Asian Mist, looking to blind Jones!
NoVaK is quickly to his feet, looking to hook up the struggling Jones… only to be taken by surprise as the detective lifts his head and retaliates with a thick, Black Mist of his own.
Pond: And Cthulhu retaliating with a Mist of his own! Wait… that’s not like normal mist. It looks like…
Yog-Sarath: It is Octopus Ink.
Pond: … Well of course. Because anything else would have been a ridiculous idea.
NoVaK is screaming, trying to claw the black gun from his eyes, whilst Cthulhu blinks the green liquid free from his own vision, shaking his head as he does so. Screaming, trying to get the reviled liquid off of him, NoVaK has gone to one knee, and Cthulhu just gets his vision fee enough to see this, charging forward and connecting with the Gumshoe, knocking the screaming NoVaK clean over!
Pond: There’s that big Step-Up Single Leg Dropkick from Cthulhu, which he calls the Gumshoe!
Yog-Sarath: And so, the end had begun.
Slowly, Cthulhu approaches NoVaK, only to be taken by surprise as the Supernova suddenly bursts to life with a Drop Toe Hold, dropping Jones to the mat. Following straight up, NoVaK, still functionally blind and acting solely on instinct, grips the detective’s leg between his, whilst wrenching the other the opposite way with his arms, locking in the Supernova Stretch! The referee, just back to his feet, hurries over to check on Jones.
Pond: Well, this match was going Cthulhu’s way, but now NoVaK has that innovative Leg Scissors/Leg Hold Combination move locked in, and is stretching Cthulhu’s legs further and further apart.
Cthulhu is struggling against the hold as much as he can, trying to alleviate pressure by twisting, or pulling away, but all to no avail, as NoVaK seems to have finally worked the ink out of his eyes. He begins laughing an unsettling, disjointed laugh as Cthulhu continues to fight the hold, all to no effect, yet continuing to resist tapping out.
Pond: If Cthulhu doesn’t break this hold soon, he’s in serious danger of sustaining some permanent damage.
Suddenly, Cthulhu changes tracks, and starts trying to reach for the ring ropes, but they’re a good foot out of reach. Slowly, agonisingly, he tries crawling for them, having to drag the deadweight of NoVaK with him as he slowly crawls backwards, inching closer and closer. He stops, unable to go further, and reaches out… only for his fingers to graze the ropes as he falls short. Shaking his head, he makes as if he’s going to tap… before suddenly thrusting his shoulder awkwardly out with his arm, to grab a hold of the bottom rope!
Pond: He made it! I think he may have dislocated his arm to achieve it, but he’s got the rope break!
Yog-Sarath: A dislocated limb is nothing to the will of the cosmos.
Pond: You’re really dull, you know that?
The referee is shouting at NoVaK to break the hold, but he refuses on, if anything pulling tighter. The referee starts the count, with NoVaK finally relinquishing the hold at the count of four, just in time, rolling away from the spent Cthulhu Jones.
Pond: Well, he survived the Supernova Stretch, but at what cost? Surely there’s no chance for him now?
Yog-Sarath: You’ll see.
Cthulhu has dragged himself under the rope, slowly drags himself upright by the ropes, as NoVaK points and laughs at him. NoVaK turns to the crowd, continuing to laugh, before turning back to Cthulhu, only to be caught by the Madness Spiral!
Pond: NoVaK’s lack of focus attributing to his downfall again there, as he gets caught in pretty much the exact same fashion for the second time, this time by Cthulhu’s big Twisting Springboard Tornado DDT. But I think it’s taken it’s toll on both men.
Cthulhu is unable to capitalise, the force of going for the Madness Spiral having taken its toll on his weakened legs, leaving both men laid out on the mat, barely moving. Left with little option, the referee starts to count out both men.
ONE
TWO
THREE
NoVaK starts stirring, shaking his head, and blinking his eyes rapidly.
FOUR
FIVE
Cthulhu is lying back, breathing heavily, his eyes wide and staring at the ceiling.
SIX
NoVaK suddenly sits bolt upright, almost as if some internal computer has rebooted. As suddenly as he sits up, he gets to the his feet, and leaps on the recumbent Cthulhu Jones, with a series of Mounted Punches, following up with a face bite, which only serves to gain the ire of the ref. Waving him off, he drags Cthulhu upright, facing away from him, locking him in an Inverted Facelock, before lifting him up and over, dropping as he takes him over with an Inverted Suplex Cutter! Not holding up in the attack, he stands straight back up, lifting Cthulhu up with him. Sticking his head between his legs, he stands, holding Jones over his shoulders, his head draping down behind him, laughing insanely as he does so.
Pond: Well, this is it. NoVaK’s set Cthulhu up for his big Kneeling Back to Belly Piledriver, And So The Sun Dies! I’m calling it now.
With a final, loud laugh, NoVaK drops to his knees! However, as he does so, Cthulhu pushes up off his back, whilst keeping his legs over his shoulders, pushing his torso perpendicular to NoVaK’s, keeping his head clear as NoVaK’s knees hit the deck. Quickly following up, Cthulhu swings his body down and round, taking NoVaK over and driving his head into the mat, reversing the And So The Sun Dies into a modified Reverse Huracanrana Driver!
Pond: … What the hell was that?
Yog-Sarath: A star going out.
Slapping the mat, Cthulhu gets straight to his feet, looks to NoVaK, looks the turnbuckle, and smiles. A very, very unsettling smile. With renewed purpose, he staggers to the turnbuckle, and slowly climbs, using hidden reserves of energy to complete the almost impossible ascent. With each step up the turnbuckle, a new cheer erupts from the crowd, until finally Cthulhu stands unsteadily upon it. He looks back to NoVaK, still not moving, before looking back out to the audience, who grow silent.
Pond: He can’t be…
Closing his eyes, Cthulhu leaps off the turnbuckle backwards, flipping once, before flipping again into a Moonsault, connecting with a Double Rotation Moonsault!
Pond: Case Closed! CASE CLOSED! THAT MUST BE IT!
Cthulhu nearly bounces clear off of NoVaK with the force of the impact, but manages to hold on, going for the pin.
ONE
TWO
THREE!
David Zinkus: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this match by way of pinfall… CTHULHU JONES!
Yog-Sarath: It is done.
Suddenly, Minoru starts having something like a fit in his seat, before suddenly sitting bolt upright, like someone had thrown a bucket of water into his face.
Minoru Asano: What the… ow, my head… It feels like I’ve been back to Mexico…
Pond: Well, I never thought I’d be glad to see you back.
Minoru Asano: What are you on about? I haven’t been anywhere… wait? The match is over? Did I pass out drunk again?
Pond: … Let’s go with yes.
Steri, at ringside, is screaming in despair at NoVaK’s defeat, as the referee slowly helps Cthulhu stand, holding his hand high. NoVaK is still lying on the floor, unmoving, possibly unconscious.
Minoru Asano: Oh, hey, I guess Cthulhu finally done it, eh? He went Super Saiyan or whatever, and got the win, right?
Pond: I guess?
Cthulhu pulls free of the referee’s hand, and calls for a microphone, which is thrown to him from the timekeeper’s table. As he brings it to his mouth, the lights dim once more, the air taking on that familiar odd, damp feeling.
Cthulhu Jones: The Sleeper has awoken. The stars have gone out. And now, the end is nigh! The four shall emerge, and the end times will begin. I will hera-
His mic suddenly cuts out, much to his confusion, as a young lady appears at the top of the ramp. She has long, ginger hair, with almost alabaster skin. In one hand, she carries a fedora, and over her other arm she has a trench coat draped. She heads straight down to the ring, Cthulhu staring at her oddly, seemingly infuriated at being interrupted. She makes her way up the ring steps, and awkwardly into the ring over the middle rope.
Minoru Asano: Who is that?
Pond: I think it’s… Jodie? Cthulhu Jones’ secretary. What’s she doing? I think he’s in a state where he’ll beat anyone down.
She stands in front of him, proffering up the coat and hat. He just snarls at her in response. With a sigh, almost audible as ringside, she carefully places the fedora on top of the trench coat, and slaps him hard across the face.
Pond: … OhmyGodshe’sdead…
He slowly turns back to face her, blinking rapidly as he does so. Suddenly, his face seems to melt, back into his trademark self assured smile. With a wink, he takes his hat, and places it smoothly on his head, with just a bit of tilt. He takes the coat, and whips it around him, inserting both arms in its sleeves as it flows around. He leans in, and gives Jodie a quick peck on the cheek, before escorting her out of the ring.
Minoru Asano: Well… I guess everything is back to normal?
Pond: I hope so. Something around here should be.
Minoru Asano: I’ll drink to that!
A small pause, as the loud sound of Minoru gulping down his drink can be heard, followed immediately by the equally loud sound of him spitting out his drink.
Minoru Asano: ...Pond, why does this taste like squid ink?
Pond: ….siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
WINNER: CTHULHU JONES
We go backstage to find Tom Matheny again, walking down the hall, microphone in hand. We see him reach his destination quickly as he reaches the trainer’s room, pushing the door open and stepping in to find Anderson Cobalt sitting on a table getting his face looked at by Dr. Kuller. Cobalt’s face is discolored where Anna’s Golden Elbow hit him.
Dr. Cyril Kuller: WELL! There’s nothing to worry about, patient. You’ll have a nasty bruise but beyond that you’ll be just fine. Keep an ice pack on your face for a while, yes?
The would-be Ace nods.
Anderson Cobalt: Great. Thanks, Doc.
Kuller smiles, nods, and walks across the room to start hitting something with a mallet. Cobalt stares at this, sighs, shrugs, and looks at Matheny.
Anderson Cobalt: We going to do this bit again?
Tom Matheny: Well, yes. Cobalt, after what happened tonight…
Anderson Cobalt: What happened tonight is some damn garbage! Twice now, in a row, I’ve had victories taken from me! Not because someone pulled some last second strength out, or because someone got lucky or even if someone cheated. But because some god damn...crazy….raaaaaaaaaargh!
He hits his hand on the table in frustration, and Tom can only nod sympathetically. He starts to open his mouth, but is interrupted by the sound of the door slowly open behind him. He turns and all eyes are on the door as Yukiko Hojo slowly steps in. She looks down at the ground, embarrassment evident on her face.
Yukiko Hojo: A-Ace-kun…
Cobalt’s face twists into an angry snarl.
Anderson Cobalt: Nope. Nope! Not doing this!
He hops off the table and gets straight into Yukiko’s face.
Anderson Cobalt: I’m done with this! I saw from the start that you were messed in the head, but I thought if I gave you some friendship it’d help you out and that was a mistake. Not dropping you was a mistake, talking to you was a mistake, acknowledging you was a mistake, thinking of you once was a mistake! I’m done with mistakes! So get out!
Yukiko’s eyes start to water as she starts to shake.
Yukiko Hojo: Ace…
Anderson Cobalt: No! Do you not hear me?! I said GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PSYCHO *BLEEP*!
Tom and Dr. Kuller both wince while Yukiko’s hands fly up to her mouth. She starts to cry, but manages to get out a few words.
Yukiko Hojo: You...you...you’ll regret this!
And she turns and runs out the door. Cobalt watches the door slam behind her before bowing his head, letting out a sigh, and dropping back onto the table. Tom looks at him worriedly.
Tom Matheny: Are you okay?
Cobalt is silent a moment before answering.
Anderson Cobalt: ….nah.
He scratches the back of his head.
Anderson Cobalt: And I got a headache that tells me it ain't gonna get better.
We fade to commercial…