words : 3536 ;
notes: good luck to everyone ;
Brightness, that’s why she woke up. It was far too bright in that room. Why? She generally kept the thick curtains closed in her room. She was slowly becoming more and more nocturnal, slowly hating the sun and the pain it was beginning to cause her eyes. But she was awake, and as much as she wanted, there was no possible chance of falling back to sleep.
Setting her feet on the floor, Lexie straightened out her arms and yawned, still holding her eyes shut. Begrudgingly, she opened her eyes, and her stomach suddenly dropped. She instantly recognized the setting, but couldn’t figure out why she was there. Her head darted up, looking around for some sign of life around her. A familiar sight, her mother pacing around the kitchen, phone held tightly between her head and shoulders. But how?
lexie: Mama?
The older Ukrainian woman turned and smiled, looking at her daughter.
valeriya: Hi honey, how was your nap?
lexie: it was fine. mama….?
valeriya: Yes, dear?
Lexie looked into the face of her mother. She still had the light lines around her eyes and the deeply etched laugh lines. She didn’t look as tired, though, as she did in those final days. Her eyes were bright, were vibrant. Her strawberry blonde hair cascaded around her shoulders in heavy curls. That wasn’t right. She hadn’t seen her mother’s hair like that since she was a little girl. In most of her memories, her mother’s hair was gray, stringy, and incredibly thin. The shampoo-ad that was her mother’s hair astounded her.
lexie: You’re dead.
She couldn’t help but speak plainly. Her mother smiled and nodded.
valeriya: Yes, I am.
lexie: Papa and I sold this house after you died.
valeriya: You did.
lexie: We let the buyers keep all the furniture.
valeriya: I know you did.
lexie: So then how are you here? How are we here?
valeriya: Have you really lost your senses that quickly. I thought you were supposed to be able to almost instantaneously analyze a situation.
Lexie caught the sarcastic tone in her mother’s voice, but chose to ignore it. She looked around, and let the answer come to her; which it did, very quickly.
lexie: I’m dreaming?
valeriya: That’s right.
lexie: Why?
valeriya: What do you remember me teaching you about dreaming?
Lexie sat quietly for a bit, trying to remember everything.
lexie: You taught me that a dream means something. I’m only aware of a dream if it’s important. And dreams can answer questions that I didn’t even know I had.
valeriya: Exactly. So maybe there’s a question that we have to figure out and answer.
lexie: I guess so.
Lexie looked around the room, feeling awkward. She wasn’t sure what she needed to know, but the knowledge that it would remain elusive until she figured out the answer. It was unnerving, never actually knowing what you needed to do. It wasn’t often that Lexie was out of control; the feeling felt alien, therefore abhorrant.
valeriya: What have you been doing?
lexie: What?
valeriya: What have you been doing? You know, with your life, your career?
lexie: You don’t already know?
valeriya: I’m dead. I don’t get a magical mirror that shows me whatever I want to see. This isn’t Beauty and the Beast, Sandra.
Lexie cringed at the sound of her family nickname. It was something that she wasn’t very used to hearing anymore. Only her mother really called her Sandy, and even when her mother was alive, she hadn’t called her daughter by her pet name in years. The name reminded Lexie of happier days, and those memories jarred like hot water on cold fingers.
lexie: Sorry, mama. Um, well, I won the International title in THW.
valeriya: Oh, good job sweetie. I’m proud of you.
lexie: Thanks mama. And now I’m in Exodus, and I think I’m doing well here.
valeriya: Why’s that?
lexie: Well, I aligned myself with this group, and I think this might be really good for me.
valeriya: Really? Why’s that?
lexie: I just feel like coming into the company with such an influential group, and using that influence to turn heads on your debut is something that most people would trade a part of their career for. And I’ve done it rather easily.
valeriya: Are you worried about it?
lexie: No, why would I be worried about it?
valeriya: Well, you aren’t exactly a team player.
lexie: What is that supposed to mean, mama?
valeriya: I never said it was a bad thing, stop getting so defensive.
lexie: Well, what do you mean?
valeriya: I’m just saying you’re a leader, not a follower. And honestly, you’re more of a solitary mercenary than a foot-solider.
lexie: Well, I’m not in a tag-team.
valeriya: Doesn’t mean you know how to be on a team like this.
lexie: Mama, I’m going to do this. I want to continue moving forward, I don’t want to stay stagnant.
valeriya: And by all means, please do so. But you’re missing my point. What happens when someone wants you to do something, and even if you don’t want to, you know you have to?
lexie: Then I won’t do it.
valeriya: Yes, but if it’s for the greater good of the team, shouldn’t you do it?
Lexie never thought of it like that. What happened when she had to make a choice between her allegiance to Legion and her career? Would she stay on with the Legion, or would she forsake them for the chance of gold to gain around her waist? Lexie wasn’t entirely sure. She wasn’t exactly the type who was good at sacrificing at the sake of her own career. If a person asked Lexie for the shirt off her back or the money in her pocket, she would have happily handled it over without a second thought. But if you asked her to jeopardize her career for the sake of anyone else, she would have perhaps laughed at you. Maybe if she had earned her title as a legend, like Miranda Rivers or Marina Valdivia, she would have allowed it, because her name, even as a loss, meant something. But Lexie was still hell bent on proving herself; charity didn’t go hand in hand with avid determination.
lexie: I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
valeriya: Maybe that’s what you need to figure out, Sandy.
Her mother pat her knee and rose from the couch. She shuffled back into the kitchen and started bustling around, preparing what looked to be dinner for a small dinner party.
lexie: Mama, what’s all the food for.
valeriya: We always have feasts when you and your father are both here to sit down and eat.
Lexie eyes widened and her spine stiffened. Her father in this dream as well? This never happened; at least, not that she could remember. It was a dream, afterall.
lexie: Papa’s home?
valeriya: In a manner of speaking, I guess.
pyotor: Ladies!
Lexie’s big bear of a father came barreling into the kitchen, making a bee line straight for her mother. Her father had his Einsteinian look about him; the one that Lexie was most accustomed to. His flyaway gray hair stuck up in very which direction, and that, mixed with his bushy beard and wide eyes gave him a look of being permanently shocked.
pyotor: Ah! Lyaksandra! You’re home!
Her father walked over to her, a huge grin on his face. Only her limbs had the cognizance to move, and she rose from the couch and threw her arms out, embracing her father.
pyotor: Now, now, Yakki, none of your shocked face. Give your papa a smile.
The smile on her face emerged automatically. Her father was the only person who could instantly get a smile out of her; he had been for a long time.
pyotor: You look tired. Are you tired? Valeriya, doesn’t she look tired.
valeriya: Pyotor, leave the girl alone. If she looks tired, she looks tired, it’s not your business to fix it.
pyotor: Has living on the road been getting to you lately?
valeriya: Pyotor, leave your daughter alone.
Her mother may not have been a big woman, but when the Ukrainian woman set about to yelling, it usually was a serious thing. Very few people could easily take an angry Valeriya Bondarenko stare.
pyotor: Alright, fine. Oh, how’s that boy?
valeriya: Boy, what boy?
Lexie felt her blush rise in her cheeks. It was completely instinctual. She never generally allowed her emotions to show in such a prevalent way.
lexie: He’s just someone I work with. Worked… I think.
pyotor: Worked with? What do you mean? Did he leave or something?
lexie: I don’t know, papa. I went to Exodus, and I haven’t really heard anything from him. It’s making me a bit worried, actually.
pyotor: Why?
lexie: I’m afraid I might have made him mad or something.
pyotor: Because you moved to a new company? Did you leave THW in a bad way?
lexie: I didn’t really leave THW. It merged with Exodus, and only a couple people left and went other places. Some people retired. But a big portion of us went to Exodus pro.
pyotor: Was he not included in the merger?
lexie: No, he can still come over. He’s my manager, so of course he can still come.
pyotor: Did you do something that was bad?
Lexie couldn’t honestly say there was anything. Unless… Lexie hadn’t spoken to Arron about the Legion and joining it. She hadn’t spoken of anything she had done when she had disappeared off the face of the Earth for a week or two, only coming out for THW’s last show.
lexie: Maybe it has something to do with Legion?
pyotor: What’s that?
lexie: A faction I’ve been inducted into.
pyotor: Inducted? That sounds sketchy.
lexie: It’s really not, Papa. But I had to kind of fly off the radar for a bit.
pyotor: Have you ever stopped to think that maybe that was it? Maybe he’s upset that you went there, and didn’t even tell him what you were doing. People don’t like people they have feelings for to suddenly be out of reach.
lexie: Do you think he had feelings for me?
pyotor: Sweetie, I was sick, not stupid. I know he did.
Had she really offended Arron by letting him fall to the wayside for the sake of Legion? She didn’t ever really stop to think about him. She knew this was something that she needed for the sake of her career. But was losing her best friend really worth it? He had been there for her through a lot. Maybe it was time she sat down and explained herself. She had thought she had ruined their friendship less than two months ago. Had she really dropped him from her mind that quickly? No, she still needed Arron near her. It was high time she finally allowed herself this one thing, this one chance to bring something from her old life into her new life.
Lexie’s eyes snapped over, her eyes trying to settle from the vibrant colors of her dream to the drab and dimmed room that she lay in. The state of light in the room was no way to tell the time of day; the curtains were thick enough to let in just enough light to not completely need a lamp, but not enough that the room was well lit. She looked at the ancient grandfather clock. It read 9:32. Judging from the light around the room, it had to be morning; night didn’t have a yellow, dusty tint to it light the morning did. She shifted in the bed, and noticed the body of someone lying next to her. She couldn’t see the person’s head, but she had a shrewd feeling of who it might be. Slipping out of the bed, as to not wake her sleepover buddy, she slipped on the tattered shirt on the ground and slid her feet into tattered slippers. She shuffled across the room, and silently squeezed out of the door.
The rest of the rental was light enough, it was only the bedroom that didn’t allow for the natural light of California to stream through. She opened the front door, and found pre-ordered room service waiting at the front door. She pulled the cart into the room, then uncovered each of the plates. Grabbing an apple from the table, she sat on the couch and pulled the laptop onto her crossed legs. Clicking open a browser window, she opened her email, and set to writing an email message. After a half hour of rapid backspacing and many sighs over how to word something, she finally had a message written about. But how impersonal an email was. This was her trying to reconnect with her best friend, an impersonal email would have been the worst way to facilitate the meeting. Sighing, she deleted everything and logged out, closing the laptop. She put her head between her knees, hoping it could hold back the flood of emotions.
Why was she feeling this way? Weren’t these last few weeks supposed to help her get past all of this? So was she forced to feel all of these feelings again? This wasn’t something that she welcomed with open arms, these feelings that she couldn’t keep herself from feeling. Weren’t her instincts supposed to be more primal than this? Why was she feeling complicated emotions still? Or better yet, why was she feeling emotional over Arron? She hadn’t even realize how much she actually depended on him. He was this steady rock that she wasn’t noticing until someone pointed out the fact that he wasn’t in her life. Was she so callous that she couldn’t remember someone who was so important? Considering what the last few weeks of her life had been filled with, was it really such an unfathomable thing?
Her jaw set in resolution, she picked up her phone. It didn’t take long to find his name out of her contacts and set dial. Her heart dropped, when she instantly heard his voice on the other side. Then she realized it wasn’t him; it was his voicemail. She wasn’t sure if his phone was off, or if he had blocked her. But she had to get in contact with him. The familiar beep, and Lexie gulped the air around her.
lexie: Arron, it’s Lexie. Um, so I haven’t really heard from you. Actually, that may be my fault, but still, I haven’t heard anything from you. I want to see you soon. I want to apologize for sort of dropping off the face of the planet. And I miss you. And so.. um… yes, you should call me back soonish. Okay, bye.
She hung up the phone, silently cursing her awkward self. A bath is what she needed. She didn’t feel dirty, but she needed to clear her mind, and maybe lavender scented bubbles and hot steam would clear her head. She shuffled into the bathroom, turning on the taps. She sat quietly on the side of the tub, allowing herself to listen to the sound of the water running. She poured a bit of the bubble bath liquid into the water, and waited for the rest of the water to fill up. It didn’t take long, and as soon as she turned off the tap, she was sinking into the water, her clothing already in a haphazard pile on the ground. her skin tensed for the briefest of moments when touching the hot water, then she relaxed, and leaned her head back against the rim of the tub. The effect of the tub was instantaneous. She immediately felt her thoughts clear and focus on her most pressing matter; her in-ring debut in Exodus. The girl had debuted many, many times in her time wrestling; but when you had to prove yourself once again to a new group of people, it took some serious contemplation to do it. As she continued to soak, her thoughts began to fall from her mind to her lips.
lexie: I didn’t expect to have to be proving myself so soon after reaching my crowning glory in THW. But of course, I guess that’s how the world sometimes works. You struggle uphill, like Sisyphus, thinking that you are so closed to being done, to being at the top. And something comes and kicks the rock from out under you. I worked hard to get to where I got in THW, beating Miranda Rivers twice, retaining my title against a Hall of Famer. And of course, I have to wonder if her not coming to Exodus has something to with the fact that I’m here. I don’t want to make it seem like she’s too afraid to show her face, but you what they say about quacking like a duck. Now here am I, new in a company once again, having to prove myself as something other than a doe-eyed rookie. But now, I have the added disadvantage of not being able to call myself the last THW International Championship. No, that right has been Adrien Cochrane’s to claim. I respect him for managing to get the better of me, but in the end, I should have held on to that title until the bitter end.
Oh, but of course, I don’t want to harp on what happened to me. I’m in a brand new company, and I should be less concerned about my past. That’s what they want from me, to pretend that my past didn’t happen. They want me to happen, and ignore everything else for the sake of being excited that I am somewhere else. Who cares for my past accomplishments, because haven’t proven anything to them. What a silly standard, asking us to push aside our past. We are a prideful bunch of people; we wouldn’t be in this business if we didn’t want accomplishments. But we’re expected never to mention them when entering a new place. Isn’t that the opposite of what we’re taught about with resumes? We’re supposed to brag loudly about our past and our accomplishments on paper, and be quiet and meek as a mouse? I think not.
Why should I not brag that I defeated a Hall of Famer twice? Why should I not be proud of the fact that I won two championships in one night? Perhaps being the only woman to hold a World Championship in one particular federation? Can I not talk about the fact that I revived a defunct division? These are things that I am proud of, and that have made me the competitor that I am today. To ignore who I am is to ignore who I am today. To ignore my past is ignore both my present and my future. I do not ignore who I am, as a Ukrainian, nor do I ignore my 2 year career, which is formidable.
Perhaps Abby Park and Johnny Cannon believe that I am someone they can beat into the ground. Perhaps they pity the poor new girl? Or maybe they wish to implore me to rethink my alignments? I’m sure they would urge me not to speak of my past accomplishments, as they mean nothing. But the fact of the matter is, my past is mine, and of which I can chose to be proud of. Perhaps you are champions right now. Perhaps my partner and myself have the potential to dethrone you from the top of the tag-team division here. That story will be told when we step into that ring. If I chose to be prideful before our match, whether it be about my former accomplishment or the genius of becoming a part of this revolution is up to me. It will never be your decision of what I do or don’t do when I prepare.
Perhaps I should clear things up, however. I am not, nor do I wish to be confused as a Russian. I am Ukrainian, and we are a very proud people. We are all Soviets, sure, but we are all not Russians. And the similar logic applies to my current loyalties. I am a part of Legion. This does not make me apart of the Legion. I am LEGION and LEGION is me, but we are not us. We are all our own persons. What Daisuke does has nothing to do me, and I do is not on him. We are separate, though we are all connected. And a plea to my sense of "the greater good" is pointless. I am not a person who is for "the greater good" in the sense of servility. I may be a Soviet, but I was not raised to mindlessly follow. I was raised to be strong, because it was necessary of me. I am a strong competitor, not because I am required to be, but because I was made to be that way. This isn’t something to be taught, it is something to know, to become imbibed in. I can show you what it looks like…
But you can never be a Red Scarab.