Post by Andrew Ashton on Dec 28, 2012 1:21:21 GMT -6
I lost?
Hold up, are you sure?
I thought the winner of a match is supposed to be stood taller than their opponents at the end, hand raised in victory, taking in the plaudits from their adoring audience.
It might just be me, but what I saw when that bell rang was two people flat on their back and one of them definitely was not me.
Beaten by a victory roll? Me? Do you honestly think I’m stupid enough to let that happen? Do you think I was in a rush to get him off me? Just ask Seth Ericson how important kicking out was to me. You’ll probably find him at a laundrette, still trying to get the coffee stains out of his shirt.
I don’t give a fuck about the Winter Road tournament. Tournaments are for people who need to prove things. I made sure I proved everything I needed to when that match was over. Alex Brooks can go on to win that tournament, but there would be no credibility to it. Everybody is going to know him as the person who almost had his jaw dislocated by a walking Squid.
Am I going to apologize to Alex Brooks? Why the fu—wait.
Let me take a breath.
This isn’t me.
I’m a friendly Squid, right?
I think we started on the wrong foot.
I apologize to you Alex. I don’t know what came over me. I was struggling to get in to my flow and I just lost control. I will try my best to keep my temper under wraps. Congratulations on your victory and advancement in the Winter Road tournament. Deep down, I’m distraught. Totally distraught. I wanted to win. No, seriously, I wanted to win. Honest.
I’d also like to apologize to Exodus Pro. I understand how disappointed you are by my unsportsmanlike conduct. I hold nothing against you for holding my performance back in the rankings. After all, this is a company that is under the Frost banner; absolutely everything has to be done with dignity. I’d hate to bring that name through the mud by bringing negatives headlines to a business that Rufus Frost runs.
I’d like to thank the spokesma—Director of Exodus Pro, Jonathan Collins, for coming out publicly with the announcement and letting everybody know that the company takes these actions seriously and expect better from their wrestlers. I didn’t mean to cause any disrespect to a company directed by a legend in the wrestling industry, with an impressive curriculum vitae of being the longest International Champion in a place called New Era Wrestling and a six time world champion in… uh… somewhere or other, I guess, as well as being… well… I’m sure he’s done something else somewhere at some point.
Totally a legend. Totally.
Also, to Rufus Frost, another personal apology. I know that you take pride in the fact that your product has an edge, but I know I fell off that edge. I guess I was just caught in the moment of impressing you and letting you see that I’m a squid that means business. I mean, take in to account what I was going through. It was my first match in a wrestling company that is run by a member of the Frost family! Everybody who is anybody knows the standard that you and your brother Reno set in New Era Wrestling. I know the heights that you can take this place to and I just wanted to show that I’m worthy enough to come along for the ride!
Your business sense and promotional skills know no limit. Sure, the business is in decline right now, but if there is anyone out there who can put wrestling back on the map, it’s the great Rufus Frost!
Look at the success of New Era Wrestling – built on your shoulders! You and your brothers alone took that federation to heights that have never been seen in this business! You guys knew what had to be done to get the result you wanted and nothing got in the way of that. If it wasn’t for you, it would have just been your run of the mill wrestling federation that people tuned in to whenever football wasn’t on.
You’re the one who kept people glued to their television every week.
You’re the one who sold out those arenas.
You’re the one that filled your pockets with Pay Per View revenue money. Somehow, you alone were able to put buy-rates through the roof, from the backstage area no less! Barely even stepping foot on camera!
That’s just how good you are, Rufus, and that’s exactly why I wanted to give a good first impression. I mean, you clearly have loyalty to the people who may have given you a nudge towards your goals, which is why you continue to associate with Jonathan Collins. You just have to look at everything he did for you that makes it obvious why you jumped straight in to business with him. His achievements in your former company are COLLOSAL!
Who needs anyone else when you’ve clearly got the main guy who helped put that money in your pocket? The guy who gave you his blood, sweat and tears, taking that mighty International title to heights that have never been seen before – mid card!
That’s what I want to be to you, Rufus. I want to be that someone you can rely on. God knows I’ve never been that before. I want to be your go-to guy. I want you to know that when you phone me and give me an instruction, I’ll follow it through like a good lap dog. I know how you’ll be appreciative and not forget about me when you need somebody to step up.
Yeah, that’s definitely what I want to be.
I have no idea why J-Swag would want to leave when he can work for someone who actually cares about his employees – not like the majority of promoters still going!
In Rufus’ name, I drink the Kool-Aid!
EXT. Donkey sanctuary
12.28.12
14:00PM
If I’m completely honest, I was starting to become completely accustomed to the suit. Even on a hot day like today, sweating from head to toe, I didn’t find myself having the need to complain – I think I’d finally overcome my problems over what I had become. I should have really sent my dear friend Seth a thank you card. Who knew chance meetings could have such a productive outcome? I guess I’m just lucky that I found myself in exactly the same place as him.
“Dude, how the fuck is it Christmas? Look at this fucking weather” exclaimed my fellow sea-friend, Orange Octopus. “Doesn’t matter though, I still throw that dick.”
He was right. I don’t know if he was right about the dick throwing, but it certainly didn’t feel like Christmas. We were driving out to the middle of nowhere, and the weather was not even remotely cold. If I was finding it slightly hot in my costume, imagine how Santa would have felt in his big red suit, lugging around presents for spoiled children.
Octopus cracked the window. “We’re actually teaming together this week. Have you seen the shit we’re against? Two people who think they’re superheroes. What kind of bullshit is that?” he said, looking down at his own orange costume and then taking a look at mine.
“…Yea. I think it’s safe to say they got a thesaurus for Christmas. Did you hear what they said? It was like watching the Matrix, using big words to get to a simple point.” I said, having given up at my veiled attempts to talk in my Mexican accent, even though I was completely Mexican. One-hundred per cent Mexicana. I’d just lived in America too long so my accent had long gone. Yeah, that was it.
Octopus sat up. “Well you may have come across people like that before, but when we win, I’ll be coming across Cunny Bug! I’ll throw that dick!” he began to crack up.
I had to admit, spending more time with Octopus and just embracing the way things were was actually a lot of fun. Rather than letting myself become completely annoyed by his childish ways and his off-the-wall attitude, I’d let myself become drawn in to it. Rather than living life with a vendetta, I was just taking each day as it came.
“Why the fuck are we driving out to a donkey sanctuary anyway? I’ve seen one of those shows before, it was hot but who wants to bang the shit out of someone who has just interfered with a donkey…?” he said with a slight shift in attitude towards the end.
It didn’t take a genius to work out who would want to do that. I’d have pressed him more on it but there were some things from Octopus’ past that I seriously did not want to know.
“I need a new donkey, hombre.” See? I wasn’t going to completely neglect my heritage. “Did you see my entrance? It wouldn’t even finish walking to the ring. It’s bad enough I’m going to have a lazy ass partner this week whose only goal is to turn Leisureforce! In to Pleasureforce!, the last thing I need is a donkey throwing me off my game again.”
“Haha, Pleasureforce!” he giggled to himself.
Silence over-came the two of us as Octopus took in the view around us. We were finding ourselves a lot more comfortable around one another. I had to admit, it was my attitude towards things that seemed to be holding us back. I thought I was too good to be hanging around on a college campus, hitting bars with students. I didn’t want to be seen in that crowd, until I realized, nobody actually can see me. I’m nobody under this suit. I’m anonymous.
“Don’t you think the Lamborghini was a bit too much?” he asked. “We’re in a regional wrestling federation, living in a one room apartment and you’re still driving around in luxury. I thought we were going back to our roots?”
He might have been right. I could live with minimal possessions, but this car was one of my ways of keeping in check, letting myself know that while things aren’t where I want them to be right now, I’ve still been to the top before. The car was one of the first things I had bought when I reached the top of that mountain and there was absolutely no way I was going to be without it. I decided to ignore the question.
Pulling up to a gravel road, I lowered my speed, fearing the effect the tiny pebbles could cause to my paintwork. “Well, I guess this is the place.”
Octopus closed the window. “What gave it away, the donkeys in the yard or the overcoming stench of faeces in the air?” he said with a cough, waving a tentacle in front of his face to try and disperse the smell.
The donkey sanctuary was actually a lot nicer than I pictured it in my mind; in fact it was beautiful. The wooden fences kept the donkeys in their grassed area, keeping it separate from the old mossy cobble-stoned house that I assumed the occupants of the sanctuary lived. The donkeys themselves had a stream of flowing water to drink from across the back of the grass. Overall, their living conditions were better than those that Octopus and I had. The only downfall was the smell that surrounded it. I guess being used to living in some of the most polluted places in the world; I didn’t see the beauty in the smell of the countryside. To me it just smelled disgusting.
As we pulled up to the house, we were greeted by a worn looking man in a straw hat, brushing the gravel with a pitchfork. It was easy to notice the look of confusion on his face as he noticed a Squid and an Octopus driving a Lamborghini. I was actually starting to find the looks quite amusing.
“We don’t often get flash cars like that there in these parts!” he shouted as we began to get out of the car. To be honest, the car didn’t look out of place in the shadow of the house in front of us.
I let out a loud laugh. “Well, we don’t often come to places like this.”
“And hopefully won’t be again” muttered Octopus.
I walked straight over to the man and offered him my tentacle. He took his time but eventually shook it. “I’ll cut straight to the chase. I’m going to say four words I never thought I’d say in my entire life. I need a donkey.”
He let out a nervous laugh, gently letting go of my tentacle and stepping back a little. I must have been in his personal space. “Well, you’ve definitely come to the right place. Just, with the costumes and all, I have to ask what for. I hope you understand. We just want to make sure our donkeys are going to be loved with the same love that we give them.”
I had to be honest; love for a donkey wasn’t really my thing. I thought people wanting to own an animal like that were weird if it wasn’t for travel or amusement purposes. “Well, I don’t so much want to own one, just borrow one about once every two weeks, that’s all. Call it a rental.”
Octopus found his perfect opportunity to have some fun at my expense. It normally didn’t take him too long to think of ways to put me in awkward positions. “Yeah, he just wants one for about an hour every two weeks. He needs it to have some stamina, though. His last one didn’t get to the finish line if you know what I mean” he said with a chuckle.
I’ll admit I was slow on the draw and didn’t really notice what Octopus was trying to insinuate. Rather too enthusiastic, I replied “Yeah! I was almost there and the giant lug just cut out on me! I’ve never been left so frustrated in my life! It didn’t help that I had an arena full of people watching me!”
Octopus creased over. “Yeah, and he definitely can’t have that happen this week. This week is his big Pleasureforce! extravaganza!”
The man shot back and pulled his pitch fork up, aiming it in my direction. “I think you need to leave, sir. My donkeys aren’t being involved in your pleasure festival!”
I put my tentacles into the air, shocked. I’d been held up at gunpoint, knifepoint, but never with a pitchfork. “Pleasure festival? What the fuck are you talking about?! I need a donkey for Pleasureforce! This is your fucking fault!” I threw out a kick towards Octopus, connecting square with his chin.
“You son of a bitch!” he shouted, lunging towards me and taking me down. “I told you I didn’t want any part in your donkey sex games and you still dragged me here!” he continued to yell, pinning me down. “You really expected this man to let you throw that dick at a donkey?!”
Getting up in this fucking suit was hard at the best of times, let alone when you’ve got a giant Octopus flailing on top of you and covering you with gravel. That’s when I heard it. The most heart breaking noise I’d ever heard in my entire life. The kind of shattering noise that will haunt your dreams and make you wake up in a cold sweat.
Octopus rolled off and gave me a clear view of the pitchfork sticking out of my car windshield. “…Oh shit”
I managed to pull myself back up to my feet, gripping Octopus and pulling him up with me. “…You’re going to go in to that fucking yard and ride one of those donkeys back to our place while I kick that motherfuckers ass, you got me?” I said in a silent but stern voice.
Octopus knew I wasn’t joking. “…Okay” he replied gingerly.
I let go of him and turned to the hillbilly. “You’ve just made the biggest mistake of your fucking life” I exclaimed, walking over to him with the most intimidating walk someone in a Squid costume can produce.
He turned on his heels and began to run to his house.
He could run all he wanted. I was going to get him, and I did.
INT. Abandoned warehouse
12.28.12
21:00PM
Six hours in a jail cell wasn’t really the way I wanted to spend the rest of my day, but they say do whatever makes you happy, right? Throwing that man through his wooden fence and smashing a couple of windows made me feel extremely happy. The bail was set a bit too high for my liking but hey, while he may not have liked it, I made sure Octopus was the one who paid to get me out. It was the least he could do.
I sat against the wall of the abandoned warehouse in one of the few places that the rain wasn’t winning its fight against the broken ceiling. The old battered wrestling ring in the middle of the place was the only thing to keep me company. To anyone else, they’d have felt lonely. To me, the wrestling ring was the only friend I had. It was my old companion and I felt more comfortable around it than I had any of my family. The money spent bringing it from my old residence – to me – was money well spent.
The sound of car doors opening outside pulled me back to reality. Soon after, the warehouse door opening let me know that Octopus was finally here, except the fact that I heard more than one car door open confused me a little. I wasn’t expecting guests with him.
I got up to my feet and looked towards the door.
“Tada!” Octopus shouted, holding his arms out between the two men.
“…Jake Devins? Dy—“
“Oh fuck” the other man shouted, holding his stomach. He proceeded to turn around and vomit on the floor. After what seemed like an eternity, he stood up and turned back around. “Still got it!” he said with a toothless smile.
“…Dyno Ambrose?” I said in disbelief. There were some people that I didn’t think I’d run in to again. As a matter of fact, I thought they’d be dead by now or something, part of the growing statistic of wrestling who have died young. I was shocked enough that Octopus bought weed from Devins just a few days prior, but for Dyno Ambrose to reappear in the same week? The odds were outstanding.
Underneath his big orange foam head, Octopus was grinning from ear to ear. “What’s wrong? You said you wanted to train, so let’s train!”
I did want to train. This was a match I actually wanted to win. But training against people who look like the only thing they’ve wrestled recently is the monkey off their back, and better yet lost that wrestling match? I had to think of my well-being. “Can you come here a minute?” I asked politely.
Octopus excused himself from Devins and Ambrose - one of whom was picking out fluff from his pocket while the other picked fluff from his bellybutton – and shuffled his way over towards me. “How great is this?” he said, patting me on the arm. “They might not be high flyers, but they’ve held titles before! This could be good for us!”
“Dude, the most recent thing they’ve held is needles to their veins!” I shot back. “I’ve just done six hours in jail; these guys are cracked up, if we throw them down I might be going back for attempted murder!”
“Dude, look, you wanted to train, this is all we could find. If we want to win this tournament, this is what we have to do!”
“Tournament?” I said, confused. “This isn’t a tournament. This is just a tag match. Winter Road is the tournament.”
“But Leisureforce! said it—“
“Well Leisureforce! were wrong.” I politely corrected. “Look dude, I know you like to have fun and I’m totally on board with that, but when it comes time to step in to the ring, I want you on your game. I know you’ve got your whole side bet with Cunny Bug, but don’t jump the gun. We know we are better than them, we know we can beat them, but we can only do that if we’re on the ball. I’m not saying that to bring you down, I just want you to be focused.”
Octopus put his head down.
I knew we could beat anybody. We could beat Leisureforce! Sure, they put on an exhibition at the Exodus Pro tapings and had a lot of people talking about them, but I wanted to make sure that their flame burned out fast. Even though I knew we could beat them, I needed Octopus on the same page.
On paper the match was going to be looked at as a freak show, people were going to watch and expect to see four people in costumes have a highly entertaining match. I wanted them to be in for a surprise. Leisurforce! could try and sell their personality and style in the ring as much as they wanted. I had nothing to sell. I wanted to go in there and be the Joker to their Batman. I wanted to be the anti-hero. I wanted to be their wake-up call. I wanted them after that bell rings and they regain consciousness to see that they’re just like everybody else in the world – working for somebody else’s business. They could use all of the big words they wanted to but I was determined to make sure that they realized they’re just like the rest of the people on this planet.
Octopus picked his head up. “Look, I’m doing this for you. I might goof about a lot, but I’m doing this for you and like I said a few days ago, because I just want to fuck shit up.”
I patted him on the arm. The turbulent relationship we used to have was definitely a thing of the past. He was giving me something I’d never had but always longed for and I loved him for it. I knew he meant well deep down bringing these two degenerates in. I turned to look at them, luckily catching Ambrose as he finished vomiting for the second time.
Octopus looked at me. “We should probably make them sign a disclaimer or something.”
“Haha, good idea” I said, moving my hand off his arm and stepping in to my house – the ring. The same ring that I would be celebrating in after we give Leisureforce! their wake-up call.
INT. Abandoned warehouse
12.28.12
21:16PM
I sat in the corner of the ring, covered in vomit, while Octopus continued to pound on the chest of Ambrose as he continued to choke on his own barf. Kicking him in the balls while he was doing it was a bad thing to do, but what could be done? He was throwing up on me!
“Will you get out of that fucking corner and phone a god damn ambulance!” Octopus shouted towards me.
I would, but not before I washed my costume.
Hold up, are you sure?
I thought the winner of a match is supposed to be stood taller than their opponents at the end, hand raised in victory, taking in the plaudits from their adoring audience.
It might just be me, but what I saw when that bell rang was two people flat on their back and one of them definitely was not me.
Beaten by a victory roll? Me? Do you honestly think I’m stupid enough to let that happen? Do you think I was in a rush to get him off me? Just ask Seth Ericson how important kicking out was to me. You’ll probably find him at a laundrette, still trying to get the coffee stains out of his shirt.
I don’t give a fuck about the Winter Road tournament. Tournaments are for people who need to prove things. I made sure I proved everything I needed to when that match was over. Alex Brooks can go on to win that tournament, but there would be no credibility to it. Everybody is going to know him as the person who almost had his jaw dislocated by a walking Squid.
Am I going to apologize to Alex Brooks? Why the fu—wait.
Let me take a breath.
This isn’t me.
I’m a friendly Squid, right?
I think we started on the wrong foot.
I apologize to you Alex. I don’t know what came over me. I was struggling to get in to my flow and I just lost control. I will try my best to keep my temper under wraps. Congratulations on your victory and advancement in the Winter Road tournament. Deep down, I’m distraught. Totally distraught. I wanted to win. No, seriously, I wanted to win. Honest.
I’d also like to apologize to Exodus Pro. I understand how disappointed you are by my unsportsmanlike conduct. I hold nothing against you for holding my performance back in the rankings. After all, this is a company that is under the Frost banner; absolutely everything has to be done with dignity. I’d hate to bring that name through the mud by bringing negatives headlines to a business that Rufus Frost runs.
I’d like to thank the spokesma—Director of Exodus Pro, Jonathan Collins, for coming out publicly with the announcement and letting everybody know that the company takes these actions seriously and expect better from their wrestlers. I didn’t mean to cause any disrespect to a company directed by a legend in the wrestling industry, with an impressive curriculum vitae of being the longest International Champion in a place called New Era Wrestling and a six time world champion in… uh… somewhere or other, I guess, as well as being… well… I’m sure he’s done something else somewhere at some point.
Totally a legend. Totally.
Also, to Rufus Frost, another personal apology. I know that you take pride in the fact that your product has an edge, but I know I fell off that edge. I guess I was just caught in the moment of impressing you and letting you see that I’m a squid that means business. I mean, take in to account what I was going through. It was my first match in a wrestling company that is run by a member of the Frost family! Everybody who is anybody knows the standard that you and your brother Reno set in New Era Wrestling. I know the heights that you can take this place to and I just wanted to show that I’m worthy enough to come along for the ride!
Your business sense and promotional skills know no limit. Sure, the business is in decline right now, but if there is anyone out there who can put wrestling back on the map, it’s the great Rufus Frost!
Look at the success of New Era Wrestling – built on your shoulders! You and your brothers alone took that federation to heights that have never been seen in this business! You guys knew what had to be done to get the result you wanted and nothing got in the way of that. If it wasn’t for you, it would have just been your run of the mill wrestling federation that people tuned in to whenever football wasn’t on.
You’re the one who kept people glued to their television every week.
You’re the one who sold out those arenas.
You’re the one that filled your pockets with Pay Per View revenue money. Somehow, you alone were able to put buy-rates through the roof, from the backstage area no less! Barely even stepping foot on camera!
That’s just how good you are, Rufus, and that’s exactly why I wanted to give a good first impression. I mean, you clearly have loyalty to the people who may have given you a nudge towards your goals, which is why you continue to associate with Jonathan Collins. You just have to look at everything he did for you that makes it obvious why you jumped straight in to business with him. His achievements in your former company are COLLOSAL!
Who needs anyone else when you’ve clearly got the main guy who helped put that money in your pocket? The guy who gave you his blood, sweat and tears, taking that mighty International title to heights that have never been seen before – mid card!
That’s what I want to be to you, Rufus. I want to be that someone you can rely on. God knows I’ve never been that before. I want to be your go-to guy. I want you to know that when you phone me and give me an instruction, I’ll follow it through like a good lap dog. I know how you’ll be appreciative and not forget about me when you need somebody to step up.
Yeah, that’s definitely what I want to be.
I have no idea why J-Swag would want to leave when he can work for someone who actually cares about his employees – not like the majority of promoters still going!
In Rufus’ name, I drink the Kool-Aid!
EXT. Donkey sanctuary
12.28.12
14:00PM
If I’m completely honest, I was starting to become completely accustomed to the suit. Even on a hot day like today, sweating from head to toe, I didn’t find myself having the need to complain – I think I’d finally overcome my problems over what I had become. I should have really sent my dear friend Seth a thank you card. Who knew chance meetings could have such a productive outcome? I guess I’m just lucky that I found myself in exactly the same place as him.
“Dude, how the fuck is it Christmas? Look at this fucking weather” exclaimed my fellow sea-friend, Orange Octopus. “Doesn’t matter though, I still throw that dick.”
He was right. I don’t know if he was right about the dick throwing, but it certainly didn’t feel like Christmas. We were driving out to the middle of nowhere, and the weather was not even remotely cold. If I was finding it slightly hot in my costume, imagine how Santa would have felt in his big red suit, lugging around presents for spoiled children.
Octopus cracked the window. “We’re actually teaming together this week. Have you seen the shit we’re against? Two people who think they’re superheroes. What kind of bullshit is that?” he said, looking down at his own orange costume and then taking a look at mine.
“…Yea. I think it’s safe to say they got a thesaurus for Christmas. Did you hear what they said? It was like watching the Matrix, using big words to get to a simple point.” I said, having given up at my veiled attempts to talk in my Mexican accent, even though I was completely Mexican. One-hundred per cent Mexicana. I’d just lived in America too long so my accent had long gone. Yeah, that was it.
Octopus sat up. “Well you may have come across people like that before, but when we win, I’ll be coming across Cunny Bug! I’ll throw that dick!” he began to crack up.
I had to admit, spending more time with Octopus and just embracing the way things were was actually a lot of fun. Rather than letting myself become completely annoyed by his childish ways and his off-the-wall attitude, I’d let myself become drawn in to it. Rather than living life with a vendetta, I was just taking each day as it came.
“Why the fuck are we driving out to a donkey sanctuary anyway? I’ve seen one of those shows before, it was hot but who wants to bang the shit out of someone who has just interfered with a donkey…?” he said with a slight shift in attitude towards the end.
It didn’t take a genius to work out who would want to do that. I’d have pressed him more on it but there were some things from Octopus’ past that I seriously did not want to know.
“I need a new donkey, hombre.” See? I wasn’t going to completely neglect my heritage. “Did you see my entrance? It wouldn’t even finish walking to the ring. It’s bad enough I’m going to have a lazy ass partner this week whose only goal is to turn Leisureforce! In to Pleasureforce!, the last thing I need is a donkey throwing me off my game again.”
“Haha, Pleasureforce!” he giggled to himself.
Silence over-came the two of us as Octopus took in the view around us. We were finding ourselves a lot more comfortable around one another. I had to admit, it was my attitude towards things that seemed to be holding us back. I thought I was too good to be hanging around on a college campus, hitting bars with students. I didn’t want to be seen in that crowd, until I realized, nobody actually can see me. I’m nobody under this suit. I’m anonymous.
“Don’t you think the Lamborghini was a bit too much?” he asked. “We’re in a regional wrestling federation, living in a one room apartment and you’re still driving around in luxury. I thought we were going back to our roots?”
He might have been right. I could live with minimal possessions, but this car was one of my ways of keeping in check, letting myself know that while things aren’t where I want them to be right now, I’ve still been to the top before. The car was one of the first things I had bought when I reached the top of that mountain and there was absolutely no way I was going to be without it. I decided to ignore the question.
Pulling up to a gravel road, I lowered my speed, fearing the effect the tiny pebbles could cause to my paintwork. “Well, I guess this is the place.”
Octopus closed the window. “What gave it away, the donkeys in the yard or the overcoming stench of faeces in the air?” he said with a cough, waving a tentacle in front of his face to try and disperse the smell.
The donkey sanctuary was actually a lot nicer than I pictured it in my mind; in fact it was beautiful. The wooden fences kept the donkeys in their grassed area, keeping it separate from the old mossy cobble-stoned house that I assumed the occupants of the sanctuary lived. The donkeys themselves had a stream of flowing water to drink from across the back of the grass. Overall, their living conditions were better than those that Octopus and I had. The only downfall was the smell that surrounded it. I guess being used to living in some of the most polluted places in the world; I didn’t see the beauty in the smell of the countryside. To me it just smelled disgusting.
As we pulled up to the house, we were greeted by a worn looking man in a straw hat, brushing the gravel with a pitchfork. It was easy to notice the look of confusion on his face as he noticed a Squid and an Octopus driving a Lamborghini. I was actually starting to find the looks quite amusing.
“We don’t often get flash cars like that there in these parts!” he shouted as we began to get out of the car. To be honest, the car didn’t look out of place in the shadow of the house in front of us.
I let out a loud laugh. “Well, we don’t often come to places like this.”
“And hopefully won’t be again” muttered Octopus.
I walked straight over to the man and offered him my tentacle. He took his time but eventually shook it. “I’ll cut straight to the chase. I’m going to say four words I never thought I’d say in my entire life. I need a donkey.”
He let out a nervous laugh, gently letting go of my tentacle and stepping back a little. I must have been in his personal space. “Well, you’ve definitely come to the right place. Just, with the costumes and all, I have to ask what for. I hope you understand. We just want to make sure our donkeys are going to be loved with the same love that we give them.”
I had to be honest; love for a donkey wasn’t really my thing. I thought people wanting to own an animal like that were weird if it wasn’t for travel or amusement purposes. “Well, I don’t so much want to own one, just borrow one about once every two weeks, that’s all. Call it a rental.”
Octopus found his perfect opportunity to have some fun at my expense. It normally didn’t take him too long to think of ways to put me in awkward positions. “Yeah, he just wants one for about an hour every two weeks. He needs it to have some stamina, though. His last one didn’t get to the finish line if you know what I mean” he said with a chuckle.
I’ll admit I was slow on the draw and didn’t really notice what Octopus was trying to insinuate. Rather too enthusiastic, I replied “Yeah! I was almost there and the giant lug just cut out on me! I’ve never been left so frustrated in my life! It didn’t help that I had an arena full of people watching me!”
Octopus creased over. “Yeah, and he definitely can’t have that happen this week. This week is his big Pleasureforce! extravaganza!”
The man shot back and pulled his pitch fork up, aiming it in my direction. “I think you need to leave, sir. My donkeys aren’t being involved in your pleasure festival!”
I put my tentacles into the air, shocked. I’d been held up at gunpoint, knifepoint, but never with a pitchfork. “Pleasure festival? What the fuck are you talking about?! I need a donkey for Pleasureforce! This is your fucking fault!” I threw out a kick towards Octopus, connecting square with his chin.
“You son of a bitch!” he shouted, lunging towards me and taking me down. “I told you I didn’t want any part in your donkey sex games and you still dragged me here!” he continued to yell, pinning me down. “You really expected this man to let you throw that dick at a donkey?!”
Getting up in this fucking suit was hard at the best of times, let alone when you’ve got a giant Octopus flailing on top of you and covering you with gravel. That’s when I heard it. The most heart breaking noise I’d ever heard in my entire life. The kind of shattering noise that will haunt your dreams and make you wake up in a cold sweat.
Octopus rolled off and gave me a clear view of the pitchfork sticking out of my car windshield. “…Oh shit”
I managed to pull myself back up to my feet, gripping Octopus and pulling him up with me. “…You’re going to go in to that fucking yard and ride one of those donkeys back to our place while I kick that motherfuckers ass, you got me?” I said in a silent but stern voice.
Octopus knew I wasn’t joking. “…Okay” he replied gingerly.
I let go of him and turned to the hillbilly. “You’ve just made the biggest mistake of your fucking life” I exclaimed, walking over to him with the most intimidating walk someone in a Squid costume can produce.
He turned on his heels and began to run to his house.
He could run all he wanted. I was going to get him, and I did.
INT. Abandoned warehouse
12.28.12
21:00PM
Six hours in a jail cell wasn’t really the way I wanted to spend the rest of my day, but they say do whatever makes you happy, right? Throwing that man through his wooden fence and smashing a couple of windows made me feel extremely happy. The bail was set a bit too high for my liking but hey, while he may not have liked it, I made sure Octopus was the one who paid to get me out. It was the least he could do.
I sat against the wall of the abandoned warehouse in one of the few places that the rain wasn’t winning its fight against the broken ceiling. The old battered wrestling ring in the middle of the place was the only thing to keep me company. To anyone else, they’d have felt lonely. To me, the wrestling ring was the only friend I had. It was my old companion and I felt more comfortable around it than I had any of my family. The money spent bringing it from my old residence – to me – was money well spent.
The sound of car doors opening outside pulled me back to reality. Soon after, the warehouse door opening let me know that Octopus was finally here, except the fact that I heard more than one car door open confused me a little. I wasn’t expecting guests with him.
I got up to my feet and looked towards the door.
“Tada!” Octopus shouted, holding his arms out between the two men.
“…Jake Devins? Dy—“
“Oh fuck” the other man shouted, holding his stomach. He proceeded to turn around and vomit on the floor. After what seemed like an eternity, he stood up and turned back around. “Still got it!” he said with a toothless smile.
“…Dyno Ambrose?” I said in disbelief. There were some people that I didn’t think I’d run in to again. As a matter of fact, I thought they’d be dead by now or something, part of the growing statistic of wrestling who have died young. I was shocked enough that Octopus bought weed from Devins just a few days prior, but for Dyno Ambrose to reappear in the same week? The odds were outstanding.
Underneath his big orange foam head, Octopus was grinning from ear to ear. “What’s wrong? You said you wanted to train, so let’s train!”
I did want to train. This was a match I actually wanted to win. But training against people who look like the only thing they’ve wrestled recently is the monkey off their back, and better yet lost that wrestling match? I had to think of my well-being. “Can you come here a minute?” I asked politely.
Octopus excused himself from Devins and Ambrose - one of whom was picking out fluff from his pocket while the other picked fluff from his bellybutton – and shuffled his way over towards me. “How great is this?” he said, patting me on the arm. “They might not be high flyers, but they’ve held titles before! This could be good for us!”
“Dude, the most recent thing they’ve held is needles to their veins!” I shot back. “I’ve just done six hours in jail; these guys are cracked up, if we throw them down I might be going back for attempted murder!”
“Dude, look, you wanted to train, this is all we could find. If we want to win this tournament, this is what we have to do!”
“Tournament?” I said, confused. “This isn’t a tournament. This is just a tag match. Winter Road is the tournament.”
“But Leisureforce! said it—“
“Well Leisureforce! were wrong.” I politely corrected. “Look dude, I know you like to have fun and I’m totally on board with that, but when it comes time to step in to the ring, I want you on your game. I know you’ve got your whole side bet with Cunny Bug, but don’t jump the gun. We know we are better than them, we know we can beat them, but we can only do that if we’re on the ball. I’m not saying that to bring you down, I just want you to be focused.”
Octopus put his head down.
I knew we could beat anybody. We could beat Leisureforce! Sure, they put on an exhibition at the Exodus Pro tapings and had a lot of people talking about them, but I wanted to make sure that their flame burned out fast. Even though I knew we could beat them, I needed Octopus on the same page.
On paper the match was going to be looked at as a freak show, people were going to watch and expect to see four people in costumes have a highly entertaining match. I wanted them to be in for a surprise. Leisurforce! could try and sell their personality and style in the ring as much as they wanted. I had nothing to sell. I wanted to go in there and be the Joker to their Batman. I wanted to be the anti-hero. I wanted to be their wake-up call. I wanted them after that bell rings and they regain consciousness to see that they’re just like everybody else in the world – working for somebody else’s business. They could use all of the big words they wanted to but I was determined to make sure that they realized they’re just like the rest of the people on this planet.
Octopus picked his head up. “Look, I’m doing this for you. I might goof about a lot, but I’m doing this for you and like I said a few days ago, because I just want to fuck shit up.”
I patted him on the arm. The turbulent relationship we used to have was definitely a thing of the past. He was giving me something I’d never had but always longed for and I loved him for it. I knew he meant well deep down bringing these two degenerates in. I turned to look at them, luckily catching Ambrose as he finished vomiting for the second time.
Octopus looked at me. “We should probably make them sign a disclaimer or something.”
“Haha, good idea” I said, moving my hand off his arm and stepping in to my house – the ring. The same ring that I would be celebrating in after we give Leisureforce! their wake-up call.
INT. Abandoned warehouse
12.28.12
21:16PM
I sat in the corner of the ring, covered in vomit, while Octopus continued to pound on the chest of Ambrose as he continued to choke on his own barf. Kicking him in the balls while he was doing it was a bad thing to do, but what could be done? He was throwing up on me!
“Will you get out of that fucking corner and phone a god damn ambulance!” Octopus shouted towards me.
I would, but not before I washed my costume.
End
