"becoming the bull"

"It's crazy how this is all unfolding, you know? The more I think I managed to figure out, the more I realize I don't know shit," I say.

"Jon's out doing lunch with the enemy. Strike's got a psycho ex-girlfriend banging his door down. We're all fighting amongst ourselves and the wolves are waiting to see which one of us falls down to feed them first. I don't know what the hell's going on, but it's freaking me out," I go on, stopping to pause before I reach to wipe sweat off my brow. "My old man's getting even sicker, I don't know how much he's got left in the tank. It's hell we're livin' in, all of this."

I look at the person I'm talking to and I don't know why it's so easy to be vulnerable right now. Maybe there's a connection, maybe it's something else. I just know I can keep pouring my heart out to them and feel like everything's good.

"The Marauders need you. Syd and Shinji need you. Whatever's happening, whatever's going on, we need you. Wake up, because as much as they need you, I need you more," I say before getting up. Without a second thought, I reach for the hand and I kiss it, looking at her one last time.

It's Payton James, my...she's something. Maybe nothing now. Maybe everything. With one last look, I head for the door, where Tom Higashikata is waiting for me, trying to look as badass as ever with his bandages and medical care.

"You ready to go, brah?" he asks, pushing up his shades.

"We got a wedding to get to," I say quietly as I sigh and walk away.

Angela Jameson isn't exactly my best friend or knows me really well. She's been a big help teaching kids at Jon's school, and she's managed to get to know me a little bit over the past few weeks. She invited all of the (R)Evolution Wrestling kids to her wedding, so now that I'm sitting in a Wienermobile with Tom, Cailey, and a few of the other kids, I have a whole lot of time to just wonder what I'm doing here. I'm still out of place amongst them, just some kid fighting while they're wrestling. Even with all of us going out and having fun, those little hints of who I am keep getting dropped in hushed tones and whispers. I didn't have the dreams they did. I don't have the ambitions they do. To them, I'm an outsider that's always going to be an outsider. The life of professional wrestling chose me, and it keeps dragging me deeper. I'm not saying that I hate it, but I don't have dreams of gold belts and fans screaming for me. The only dream I have is to avenge Payton and maybe feel like I did something right with my life after miles of wrongs.

The ceremony was nice, but weddings weren't really my thing. The reception is equally as nice, and food is the universal language that makes it easy to communicate with people. We break bread and suddenly grudges and issues are forgotten in favor of delicious baked chicken with whatever else comes. It's the common bond we all have as humans: no matter how much we dislike everything else in the world, we all like food. Some of us like it more than others, as evidenced by Tommy inhaling everything he can, mixed in with trying to pick up any drunk girl that might happen to give him a smile and a wink. At the table, all that's left is Cailey and me, watching everyone get up and have a good time. To me, all I can think about is that we're dwindling. We're all fighting something, and I'm scared of what's happening even if I'll never admit it. My life is changing. My whole world is nowhere near the same anymore, and I don't know if it ever will be again. After a moment, I look up and I realize that everyone around is happy. There's food, there's dancing, and the world around us seems a little less dangerous and unhappy than it has the past few days.

"You okay, tiger?" Cailey asks me, and I snap out of my self-induced daydream.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just glad people have some stuff to take their mind off everything," I reply as I sigh. "I think I'm gonna go outside for a smoke," I tell her while walking away. Today just seems a little not right, a roller coaster of emotions. More worries, and I'm starting to think that maybe I worry too much. This whole thing is screwy, and after I go outside for fresh air, Cailey shows up a few minutes later looks at me. I feel like I've ruined her fun by being quiet and aloof, but it's just my default state, especially around a bunch of strangers who treat me as such.

"You dance?" she asks me.

"Sometimes. Not really a big thing," I reply.

"You should. It's nice in there. People are trying to forget for five minutes what's happening in there with Rachel and everyone, from Furor, from Daisuke. Maybe you could use some of that. I'm not saying to pretend it doesn't exist, but take a few moments to appreciate that we're not done yet. This? Maybe it's the eye of the storm, Carey, but it's better than being afraid that we're never getting out. You're a couple days away from closure, at least with the Deacon. Celebrate, because it's not often we get to do this," she tells me, coming up to cup my cheek.

"I ain't gonna celebrate that win until she opens up her eyes," I say while I look at her. For a moment, I look away because I don't want her to see how I'm hurting. "I need something to go right, Cailey. It's all been goin' wrong, and I don't think it's ever gonna go right until your sister's home or Payton wakes up, or unt--" I say, and then she kisses me.

It's not that I don't want it. Maybe part of me has been thinking about it for a while. It's not right to Payton, she's asleep and it's like I'm moving on when I'm full of emotions and confusion. What I want and need right now is to decipher my own thoughts through the static in my head, even if the sound has never been the things that make any form of sense. Isn't any of this supposed to make sense? Maybe none of it is. I'm talking out of my ass, and I know I'm being unfair to a girl that hasn't woken up from her injuries, and I'm looking Cailey in the eyes as she looks up at me, afraid that she's destroyed a bond that she's needed while she keeps afloat in all this mess. Looking up at me, I reach up and I cup her cheek in the hopes of making her feel somewhat better about all this.

"Cailey, I don't know what to say other than I ain't mad," I tell her.

"You have Payton," she whispers.

"Yeah, I do. And I got a laundry list of people too. Cailey, this is just...a surprise. It ain't like this, we've been tellin' everyone that. Your sis and the Hot Topic Twins, Tom, Jon...we can't have it both ways, Cailey. Listen, have Tommy take you home. I gotta go do some thinking," I tell her, and I'm off.

Because when the world wants me to be brave, I'm a goddamn coward.

Because I don't have the strength.

Because I don't have it in me to do more than be afraid as it's collapsing.

And all this happen about six hours and a couple bottles of Jack ago. The dawn is just starting to break, and here I am, looking out at the world while I drink and wonder what's the right road ahead. Nothing about this is level anymore. The straight line has developed forks and curves, and only half of those came up because I'm drunk or somewhat drunk. The more I look out, the more my head seems to be ripping me up and I'm coming apart at the seams because I made a fucking horrible mistake. I did the wrong thing and this is, ultimately, my punishment for thinking about it. All I need to do now is get over it. I've got a lot of thinking and penance to do. It's gonna take a lot of time to make it right for me, but it's worth it.

The sun is coming and I know what it means to some. For me? Maybe it means everything. Maybe it means what's really happening. I've got a whole new life laid out in front of me in the wake of this, and I've got to be brave enough to face that.

Cailey didn't make a mistake. I didn't make a mistake.

If I'm ever going to see my future, I've got to bury my past. It's time people, and myself, stopped thinking that Carey Caldwell is a fighter.

I'm Carey Caldwell, a fucking professional wrestler.

The Son of Disaster, a next generation War Machine, and first line of defense for (R)Evolution Wrestling.

I look down at my phone, and Cailey's tweeting about making a mistake. I tell her she hasn't, and I mean that. She offers breakfast, I can't say no to it. I pull up to her house, having made my way back to the Galecki's and secured my bike. When she opens the door, she looks at me, seeing me still in my suit, tie loose around my neck.

"Carey, I'm gla--"

And there's the kiss. Because it's a new world I'm walking into; one I'm not walking into without my people.

So in case you've been living under a rock for the past month or so, my name is Carey Dean. I'm the resident hard hitting bastard here in (R)Evolution Wrestling, and I've got a date in a matter of days against Jeremiah Robinson.

Now I know what you're thinking. How's one little guy like me going to bury the fuck out of the biggest son of a bitch in this company? I mean, I got a lot of issues right now. The Deacon, Aries Reed, the fucking MMA wannabes and their favorite supermodel, and just about everyone who thinks they've got a crack at taking down the new kid. Well I got news for you all, and you ain't gonna like it. I've been busting my ass harder than ever to prove to the world that I'm more than just some kid picked up off the street. I'm out working harder to prove to the rest of the world that I'm everything I've said I am. Maybe it's with a pipe in my hands, maybe it's with my fist, or maybe it's something else. I don't know or care. Whatever I do from here on out, it's about proving that I can and I WILL BE THE BEST GODDAMN WRESTLER YOU HAVE EVER SEEN!

But it starts with you, Deacon.

Jeremiah, you need to understand something. The blood on your hands is something I owe you a receipt for, and that's something I've wanted from day one when I got here. The most important thing is that once I finish you, it's over. No more Jeremiah! No more Deacon haunting this company! I WILL FINISH YOU OFF AND END THE AURA OF JEREMIAH ROBINSON IF IT KILLS ME! What I owe you goes beyond professional wrestling grudges, Jeremiah. You took someone from me, and even if I never get her back, I will make you pay your debt.

But the best part about this? When I beat you, it ends with you. It's over. I can move on with my life, and I got a lotta people that I have on my hit list now. After I bury you, I can breathe again, the debt repaid. What I owe that person for proving to me I ain't a horrible human gets repaid, and what you me gets fulfilled. We all go home with clean slates.

The only difference is that your slate's gonna be a tombstone. An eye for an eye, motherfucker.

You know, one of my trainers loves that Game of Thrones shit, and they've been telling me all about it. They talk about the Lannisters, so I had Tommy look some shit up for me. They say a Lannister always pays his debts, so maybe it's time to start considering a name change.

Oh, and Jaina, Celeste, and Cassidy? Don't think I forgot about you three chuckleheads. Get involved in my finishing my business against this son of a bitch and I'll be more than happy to bring the pain to you three zombies when it's all said and done.

Because I'm Carey goddamn Dean. And it's about time I came to collect. When all debts are settled, I can start over.

And that day is coming sooner than anyone thinks.