Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 21:05:49 GMT -6
The RIMAC Arena has been transformed into an end-stage affair, and the room is packed! Most of the EXODUS roster is found in the floor seats closest to the stage, while fans fill the side stands and (R)Evolution students are seated in the floor, further back. The stage itself is set up with a series of seats, each filled with the roasters of evening; Chris Strike, Dick Morosi, Seth Ericson, Christian Kane, Darrin Stearns, Wulf Erikssen, and Fiona Collins. Opposite of them, there's a large, ornate looking throne for the guest of honor, and in the middle stands the ominous podium.
Spotlights begin circling the building as the voice of David Zinkus fills the air;
David Zinkus: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Roast of Jonathan Collins!
A round of applause is given for the mere announcement.
David Zinkus: Now, please welcome the Master of Ceremonies for tonight's event...Jimmy Riley!
As if he planned it, the cheesiest possible "award show music" is cued up as Jimmy takes the stage, a gigantic goofy smile on his face as he soaks in the applause...that's not at all for him. After nodding to the crew on the dais, and a few key people in the front row (Chandler Scott, Adrien Cochrane, Justin Brooks), he takes his place behind the podium.
Jimmy Riley: Yes, yes...good evening! Welcome everyone and Jackie Fowler to the Roast of Jonathan Collins! We've got everyone here tonight, even...somewhere, I'm told Magnus Christum Furor Gunner himself is in the building! You can tell which one is him because he's the one frowning at all the jokes.
A soft wave of laughter through the crowd at the obvious, but weak joke.
Jimmy Riley: Let's not wait any further, though; here he is, the man of the hour...the one, the only, Jonathan Collins!
It's not any of Jon's themes, but instead "The Great Gate of Kiev" that hails Jon onto the stage, as somewhere Meta Johnson rubs his hands together before *BOOM*ing the sound guy. Don't worry, we had a second one ready. Jon waves at the crowd, almost nervously gestures to the dais, before sitting in his personal chair opposite the stage from them.
Jimmy Riley: Jon will have plenty of time to bore all of us to death with a 30 minute speech later. Right now, however, it's his turn to sit back as we turn this mic over to the absolutely deplorable cast we've put together! Let's kick things off with the...well, at least the ninth or tenth person I think of when I think of Jonathan Collins.
The camera focuses on Wulf Erikssen as Jimmy continues.
Jimmy Riley: I honestly have no idea how he got up here, other than offering the staff burritos. Ladies and gents, here's Wulf Erkissen!
Jimmy steps aside as Wulf rises, walking across to the microphone as he's greeted with a round of applause.
Wulf Erikssen: Oi oi, cheers Jimbo. Oi oi everyone.
There's a brief cheer from the crowd.
Wulf Erikssen: Now, I've got to admit I ain't really got much idea what this roast palaver is about. We don't have 'em back in blighty. When some old sod retires, we just all gather round, hand them a gold watch or something, then everyone just gets back to work. So I'm going to do something a little different.
There's a confused murmur from the crowd.
Wulf Erikssen: Some of these people have come to praise Jonno, some have come to bury him, but me? I've come to rock him, on the dais!
"Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco starts playing over the PA system. Wulf grooves a little, as the crowd cheers. After a minute or so, the music fades out, and Wulf steps back up to the mic.
Wulf Erikssen: I've got to be honest, I ain't prepared nothing, I'm floundering here. Bit like little Adey Cochrane over there when he gets into the ring. But there's this fancy timer on the lectern here that tells me how long I got to talk for, and that little dance routine barely ate up half of it...
The crowd laughs.
Wulf Erikssen: Don't laugh! That ain't funny. Ummm... OK, how about I tell you all how I met Jonno. It was... oh, who knows how long ago, an after-party after some gig in Boston, the beer was flowing, the music was playing, our eyes locked across the room. We skanked the night away, everybody else just faded away. At some point, in the wee hours of the morning, we slipped away, and...
Wulf blinks, as a stunned hush comes over the audience.
Wulf Erikssen: No, wait a minute, that's how I met Stacey. Then how the hell did I meet Jonno? Right, I've royally screwed this up, so I'm going for emergency plan B. LOOK! SOME FORM OF DISTRACTION!
Wulf points quickly to the back of the room, and some people actually turn around. As soon as they do, Wulf runs from the podium back to his seat, and quickly sits back down, raising his hand over his face to try and hide himself. Jimmy calmly walks back up to the microphone.
Jimmy Riley: Well, I can see we're already off to an auspicious start...or something like that. Next up, it's the most recognizable voices...well, recognizable and coherent, because c'mon. We can all recognize Aries Reed's cocky voice, but does anyone have a fucking clue what he's saying? It's the commentary team of EXPRO on FX, here's Dick Morosi and Seth Ericson!
The pair meander their way to the mic, Seth playing to the fans as Dick...waits for him, having headed straight for the podium. Eventually, both men are there, ready to begin.
Dick Morosi: Thank you, everyone! It's great to be here among such honored guests...and Darrin Stearns.
Seth Ericson: Darrin Stearns notwithstanding, Dick, it is a very distinguised crowd we have today. Between the few lucky UCSD students who probably did their way into it like rabbits, the many wrestlers whose matches we have called - flawlessly, I might add - and the people here on stage with us...man, we haven't had our fans full like this since the days of having to call Dom Harter and Selena Alexander matches.
Dick chuckles before continuing.
Dick Morosi: Call's a strong word, Seth; let's go with "survive" Dom Harter matches! Hey, let's have a big hand for Wulf Erikssen, who came all the way here from his RV in the parking lot, shall we? He was...he was great, right Seth?
Seth Ericson: If this was drunken karaoke night with The Masked Salaryman, then sure, let's call it great. But really, Wulf's effort is appreciated. As we all know, he's one-half of the tandem known as TROUBLE. An apt name, given the fact that every time he speaks into a microphone, it's TROUBLE for viewing audience to understand a single word out of him. Thank God for subtitles. Speaking of Gods...fuck you, Chris Strike.
The camera cuts to Strike, who simply grins, responding with not words, but a middle finger.
Dick Morosi: Not the first time he's heard that one this week, I'm sure. And we've still got several people to go up here, including...oh, here's a real gem; Christian Kane's gonna be up here later. No confirmation to the rumor that he's going to be receiving a blowjob -- No, not that kind -- on the stage.
Almost as if on cue, over the PA system...
Blowjob (Off Stage): HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Seth Ericson: Pipe down Blowjob, people are trying to do their jobs here! Speaking of doing jobs, let's welcome back an old friend of ours in Adrien Cochrane, recently returned to action after doing the nasty job of paying off Adrianna Rivers just about half of his entire life savings, soul and everything in between. But look on the bright side, Adrien...at least there were no kids. Because you know what they say...eighteen years, eighteen years, she got one of your kids, got you for eighteen years!
Cut to a shot of Adrien in the front row, as he mocks wiping sweat from his brow before giving his guest tonight, Casey Faith, a smile.
Dick Morosi: Ah yes, Kanye West; the 21st century's poet laureate. And don't forget Justin Brooks, because Lord knows virtually everyone else does and it just makes him give us his angry baby face!
Seth Ericson: He does have the least intimidating angry face I have seen in all of my days. I mean, we all he's a big softie on the inside given the wife and kids but maybe Zack Lifer wouldn't be a problem anymore if he just had done less of the angry face and more of the tossing him around like a ragdoll thing...oh yeah, shut up Lifer.
The new catchphrase of the EXODUS fanbase receives a resounding cheer.
Dick Morosi: And then we've got the other two thirds of the Marauders...our roastmaster himself Jimmy Riley, and Mrs. Fiona Collins!
A cheer from most of the crowd, followed by a slight buzz, but-
Dick Morosi: And before anyone butts in...yes. Two-thirds. They never initiated anyone else, shut up.
Seth Ericson: I think you mean the gentleman who married the hotter of the Rourke cousins and...well, the still hot Rourke cousin who ended getting stuck with our esteemed guest of honor here tonight, Dick.
Behind the pair, Jimmy Riley can be seen giving the double "thumbs up" to the camera.
Dick Morosi: And that brings us to the man of the hour! Jonathan Collins...looked like a homeless man the first time we met him. True story; he wore a torn up wifebeater, a pair of baggy pants straight out of the year 2000, and looked like a meth addict.
...He cleans up alright, I guess.
A round of laughs from the crowd...
Seth Ericson: Dick, that's still what he wears every Tuesday morning during production meetings.
...that doubles with the punchline.
Dick Morosi: People might remember that Jonathan stepped away from the sport for awhile also to teach English. Now he's the Director of EXODUS, and there's really no difference between high school students and pro wrestlers, am I right?
Seth Ericson: Surprisingly, Dick? I'd take the pro wrestlers on a spelling test over Jonathan's English students. There's a reason he's back with us, after all.
Dick Morosi: But in all seriousness, Seth and I are honored to be here, and honored to have called some of the biggest matches in Jonathan's career.
Seth Ericson: In fact, we kinda sorta...owe him. Y'know, a lot. We may or may not pay our debts with blood and the occasional bi-weekly broadcast of EXODUS Pro...but seriously, if we're going to owe our souls to somebody? Why not to the guy who keeps getting called "The Perfect Evil" by every single other wrestling company that wishes they had a Jonathan Collins of their own?
We love you, Jon...platonically. Please don't Shinigami me, Fiona. Thank you.
Both men wave to the crowd as they receive a round of cheers before returning to their seats. Jimmy Riley returns to the podium, looking back at the pair as they sit down.
Jimmy Riley: And I think I speak for all of us when I say...Please Shinigami him, Fiona.
A round of laughs as Jimmy and Fiona share a thumbs up.
Jimmy Riley: Now, there's a whole host of people who, I'm told, wanted to be here tonight, but couldn't make it. Somehow, tickets to this event were sold out...and we still let Adrien Cochrane in the building. I'm told, Jon, that Andrew Ashton wanted to be here, but he got sidetracked by a trip to Mexico. As we all know-
The crowd finishes for him,
"DON'T FUCKING GO TO MEXICO!"[/b]
Jimmy Riley: And White Phoenix didn't accept the invite, but did send this...uh, telegram.
Indeed, Jimmy produces what appears to be a telegram letter and begins to read.
Jimmy Riley: Dear Jon, stop.
He pauses.
Jimmy Riley: That...that's all it said. He also sent a letter, clearly written on a typewriter that reads, "Jimmy, stop sending me mail. Go fuck yourself, I'm not coming out of my cave for that asshole." And from one crotchety old man to one man's crotch...Mr. Plow himself, Christian Kane!
The audience applauds as Christian Kane stands from his seat, smirking as he buttons up his white tuxedo jacket, beginning to walk forward as he does so before picking up his drink. As he reaches the podium he takes a sip from his glass before placing it down on the podium, pulling out a folded piece of paper after doing so. He unfolds the piece of paper and looks out into the audience for short moment before leaning forward and speaking into the microphone.
Christian Kane: Glad you could all make it tonight.
The audience begins to applaud and cheer along with those on the stage but Kane interrupts.
Christian Kane: Well, actually, I’m glad MOST of you could make it. I’m disappointed the rest of you made it too.
A collective laugh.
Christian Kane: No, that wasn’t a joke.
The laughing abruptly ends as Christian shakes his head in disbelief, a sly grin creeping onto his face as he averts his eyes to the piece of paper for a short moment.
Christian Kane: We know what tonight is all about, but first I’d like to bring your attention to some of the people that are here with me on this stage tonight. Now of course some of these guys are excellent and we’ve already heard of quite a few of them already, but I want to tell you some stuff you don’t know about a few of them. Well, actually, one of them. Chris Strike.
A big cheer erupts from the audience who applaud the number one contender to the EXODUS Pro World Championship. Instantly this promotes a negative response from Kane, who’s voice takes on a harsher tone.
Christian Kane: That wasn’t an invitation to cheer. I have a few gags I wrote here. Let me just...
The Handsome Drifter searches the list for a few moments before finding his ‘gags’ written halfway down the page.
Christian Kane: Alright Strike, buckle in you fucking third worlder. AHEM...
...’Hey Strike, have you joined that Dead Baby Support Group with Zack Lifer yet orrrr....?’
Silence. Absolute silence. Except...for one laugh. And it comes from the stage...more precisely, it comes from Chris Strike! The Brazilian takes a moment to compose himself before responding, “The difference is, I didn’t kill mine.”. The crowd share a collective nervous laugh. Kane’s eyes dart back and forth from the audience to Chris Strike.
Christian Kane: ...Are you FUCKING kidding me? You can’t ad-lib onto my gags, you goddamn mudhut building, soccer ball kicking, tranny fucking, favela living little bitch! Your country is so poor you should change the flag to a rectangular piece of rusted out sheet metal. Strike, you are honestly the worst human being alive. I hate you, so fucking much, yet other people just seem to love you, and it further reassures me that everyone in the world is clinically retarded except for me. You stabbed me in the face with a railroad spike, SEVERAL TIMES, and you got patted on the back for it! Where’s my pat on the back?
Kane looks around, almost in distress before he runs across the stage and kneels down in front of Darrin...with his back to him. He points at it for a before Darrin laughs and pats his good friend’s back. Christian instantly jumps back up to his feet and points at Strike as he walks over to the microphone.
Christian Kane: SUCK. IT. Loser.
A laugh comes from the audience who finally feel comfortable again. The neoteric leader of the #STUDLIFE lifestyle raises a hand to get the crowd to settle down before he continues.
Christian Kane: Now, I’ll level with all of you. I spent the past week writing up a list of jokes that were all aimed at Chris Strike. That means, I...honestly can’t think of anything else to say to anyone here. Except well...Fiona, nice tits. But now we move on to the man who gets to suck on those tits pretty much everyday, I certainly would, our glorious leader Jonathan Collins.
Kane begins to applaud his employer, the crowd joining in as Jon rolls his eyes, most probably at the joke that was just made at his and his wife’s expense.
Christian Kane: Now look Jon, a lot of people will know that we’ve had our ups and downs. But I feel that’s only because we’re on the same wavelength. Afterall, I am the only other person than stepped into your shoes as Director and did a damn good job at it, too. A lot of people are going to have their opinions on my time as Director but I enjoyed it, but what I enjoyed the most was your office. You know, when you first step in there it doesn’t FEEL that spacious, but a few lines of coke and two emotionally damaged strippers lately and there is ALL KINDS of space. ...So many positions.
Jonathan slowly begins to facepalm as the crowd ‘ooh’.
Christian Kane: And you know, I did shake things up. I moved your office around, ordered a giant, black marble table, sure - so I was disappointed you moved most of that stuff out. But man...
Kane turns around to Jon, who looks up to meet gaze.
Christian Kane: You should have got rid of the sofa, bro. Trust me. Stains. Everywhere. If you put it under a UV light it’d look like an episode of CSI: Miami. I mean, dude. College girls, strippers, college girl strippers, females who were trying to get a leg up in the business when I had absolutely no intention of hiring them in the first place...that office had it all. But you had to go r-
Suddenly, the Saint of Violence cuts him off as he points at Kane, “wait, weren’t you still with your wife back then?”. The crowd explodes, prompting Christian to glance at his wrist of which there is no watch.
Christian Kane: Look at the time, I better wrap this up, eh? Heh. Wow, okay. So Jonathan Collins. You know...a lot of people called you crazy when you hired me. And not only that, but when you constantly called me, constantly hassled me to give EXODUS Pro a try. You knew I was reluctant, a little down on myself, but you did the one thing that nobody did for a long time, and that was to just believe in me. And Jon? I let you down, twice. I came in here, I talked a big game and I faded. Faded away into obscurity. But this time, I’m paying back all that faith that you had in me man. And for you to have the foresight, to be so adamant that I could become great once again? Well that’s a testament to you as a boss, a leader, and most importantly, a friend. Here’s to you, Jon. Cheers.
The Handsome Drifter picks up his drink from the podium and raises it in the direction of Jonathan as the crowd get on their feet to applaud both men.
Jimmy Riley: I can never look at that office the same away again...so...thanks?
Christian offers a toast to Jimmy, much as he did to Jon moments before.
Jimmy Riley: ...Yeah, thanks. Well, let's change gears again, everyone. Jon, I apologize...well, shit, no I don't -- Got a glimpse of those fabulous breasts and I can confirm now first...and second hand, #RourkeGenetics are real. Ladies and gents, the Stardust Seraph herself, Fiona Collins!
Fiona Collins: Thank you, Jimmy! You know, Jim, I really have to tell you, I'm sorry that a back injury has been keeping you out of the sport you love, because I'm not really sure how you hurt it, to be honest. I'm going to assume it was a bad fall, because everyone that's ever had you as a partner had to carry you! Adrien Cochrane is here in the audience tonight as well. The lack of sound you hear is how much everyone in EXODUS cared about that.
The crowd laughs as Fiona gives a little cheesy grin before shuffling her index cards.
Fiona Collins: Christian Kane, it's nice to see you up on the dais tonight. Looking dapper as usual, might I add. You've been in and out of EXODUS more times than you've been in and out of Venus the past week, so thank you for taking the time to do something that won't get you diseased.
The crowd continues to laugh, as Kane chuckles himself, making an "o" shape with one hand and putting his index finger in and out of it, winking at Fiona and the crowd.
Fiona Collins: But seriously, you fucking a (R)Evolution student that started out as a fan from the college has to be really freeing for you. It's all the sin of fucking an underage girl without the legal issues that come with it! On the bright side, you're finally dating someone that spends more time in front of the mirror than you!
Again, the crowd laughs as she gives Kane the thumb's up.
Fiona Collins: Chris Strike is here too, ladies and gentlemen! Strike has been one of my closest friends since he came to EXODUS and anyone who follows us on Twitter knows we love us some anime and Harry Potter. That’s right. That's your next World Champion, folks...a total fangirl!
At that moment, as Strike is laughing, Fiona gives a look at the camera, showing she is perfectly aware of the irony as she laughs, shaking her head.
Fiona Collins: Chris, you're awesome, amazing, fantastic, but if you bite off me anymore, Jon's going to have to wonder if I had a sex change. It's starting to scare me enough, and I've seen scary things in my time here in EXODUS! I've seen Omar Wise! I've seen Mason Joseph's career! I'VE SEEN A BRETT SANDS MATCH!
Suddenly, Fiona points out to the audience as the crowd laughs loudly and waves frantically, smiling wide.
Fiona Collins: HI HEATHER! Heather Halliwell is here, guys! I'm glad she made it out, because the last time I saw her, she looked pretty sad. Then again, I'd be pretty sad too if the most emo penis in EXODUS was inside of me. I hope Andreas at least sang you a Cure song before he got into your panties. Speaking of people in panties, let's talk about Devan Whi--wait, wrong person.
Once again, the crowd laughs before she turns to look at the man of the evening, smiling softly.
Fiona Collins: Jonathan. My dear, sweet, loving, ancient old fart...I love you. I love you for who you are at home, for what you've contributed to the industry, and what you've done to make professional wrestling a great place for everyone. You took eight years off and reinvented your look, your offense, and you became a bigger star than you ever were before. The only thing I can say is that I love you, you're amazing, and please...for the love of God, STAY RETIRED! It's seriously getting hard living in your shadow. I love you though, Captain, and I’m so glad I get to be a part of this tonight and be in your life forever.
She smiles as he smiles back, getting up as she comes over and wraps her arms around him, kissing his cheek before she raises his hand and points to him before stepping aside for Jimmy's return to the podium.
Jimmy Riley: Get back in your seat!
The fake scolding sends Fiona "scrambling" back across the stage to her chair.
Jimmy Riley: And for the record, the back injury came from your cousin.
Both Fiona and, in the crowd, her cousin Maggie, both crack up laughing as the crowd follows suit.
Jimmy Riley: From the physically closest person to Jon, to possibly the historically closest person. Or hell, maybe physically, I'm not here to judge -- I'm just here to introduce Darrin Stearns!
Darrin rises from his seat to a round of applause as he approaches the microphone.
Darrin Stearns: Thank you, Jimmy. And thank you for displaying the most personality you've ever shown in two years in EXODUS.
He chuckles as he points over at Jimmy and smiles.
Darrin Stearns: Tonight, we're here to honor my best friend, a man I've known for thirteen years and had the greatest match of my career with. However, the one problem I have with this is the fact that Jonathan is the guy who put together the whole week of events and tacked this on at the end. It's the equivalent of a girl throwing herself a quincinera!
Jonathan laughs, his hand covering his eyes as he shook his head.
Darrin Stearns: We got a lot of great people here on the dais and in the audience tonight. Dick Morosi and Seth Ericson are here, and the amusing thing about this to me is the fact that they're the only couple up here on the dais that have more relationship issues than Jon and Fiona.
The crowd chuckles, and Darrin grins as he flips his index card.
Darrin Stearns: Chris Strike and Christian Kane are both up here. It's a relief to see them not at each other's throats for once. I think Strike should take a moment to reevaluate his life choices, as he finally found the one crazy chick Christian Kane wouldn't even fuck.
Again, the crowd laughs as Kane casually shrugs things off, Darrin smiling the whole time.
Darrin Stearns: How normal is it, Chris, that I'm the one in a relationship with artificial intelligence and you're the one considered out of your mind for your sex choices?
Out of nowhere, Marilyn Monroe (or is it Skynet?) comes onto the stage and reaches over for Darrin, forcibly kissing him on the cheek as he laughs, smiling and shrugging.
Darrin Stearns: But for real, Christian, it's great to see you up here on the dais, on the road to your redemption since your return at Absent Are the Saints. A surprise entrant in The Crucible, it's the most low key arrival in EXODUS you've ever had. I'm going to assume you didn't want the girl you were fucking at the time to know she was the side bitch to professional wrestling. Christian, it's good to see you back and motivated in the industry. Hopefully this time, you won't fuck up booking plans as much as you fuck (R)Evolution Wrestling girls.
He laughs, all before Kane raises an eyebrow.
Darrin Stearns: It's okay, Venus'll take care of it. You gave up on wooing me when you started hitting that. Seriously, you should be thankful I'm not insane like some of the previous girls you've slept with. I also appreciate you're not the only person to come in and out of EXODUS like it was Heather Halliwell's vagina, because Chandler Scott has you beat on that.
He laughs, all while Heather drops her jaw and he grins at her, pointing.
Darrin Stearns: It's just a roast! Alright, let's see. Oh, hey Fiona! It's good to see you. Try not to get near Wulf's spiked up mohawk, your tits might pop. Seriously, Fiona...I've never seen someone make my best friend as happy as you make him. It's nice to know you two get along so well, all things considered. I mean, he's an aging gunslinger and you're a supermodel that has the only pair of tits in EXODUS that make Heather Halliwell give pause. It's been an honor and a pleasure to watch you grow as a wrestler, as a person, and as a pair of boobs. I'm not saying Kamijo is right, but...Rourke Genetics hit EXODUS like a sharp uppercut when you came back from your knee surgery.
Finally, Darrin smiles and turns back to Jonathan.
Darrin Stearns: Jon, all jokes aside, you have no idea how much I consider you a friend. You are my brother, you are my family, and this business is losing a great person in you when you retire. We're losing one of the greatest in-ring workers of the past twenty years, and even if you'll be working in the office and in the school, we're still losing a major part of the business. I love you, and thank you for everything.
Another round of applause greets the end of Darrin's piece as he returns to his seat.
Jimmy Riley: HAH. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!
The applause turns into a big round of laughter from the crowd.
Jimmy Riley: But seriously, everyone. Up next is a man who needs...no introduction.
And with that, Jimmy Riley simply walks away from the mic, leaving Chris Strike confused for a moment before rising. The moment he does, he's met with a raucous pop from the crowd in attendance before approaching the podium.
Chris Strike: Thank you, thank you to all who are here tonight, joining us in this somewhat extravagant celebration. First of all, everybody give a big hand to our esteemed roastmaster, Jimmy Riley!
Applause occurs from the entirety of the crowd as the camera pans to Jimmy before returning to the podium where Strike is at.
Chris Strike: Jimmy’s an interesting character. A “Risen Star,” a man who managed to somehow marry into the Rourke family the same way that a lowly ronin manages to marry into a high-class samurai family...by pretty much doing everything as she commands and rising to the occasion when it matters under the covers. It’s a very impressive feat that shouldn’t be disregarded by any means. It’s...just too bad you couldn’t do more of that during your time as an active competitor, eh Jimbo? Maybe if you had, Fiona wouldn’t be the one known as the most successful out of the entire family.
Chris shrugs his shoulders as that elicits a laugh from crowd, the camera panning over to Fiona Collins and over to Jimmy Riley again for a moment before getting back to the podium.
Chris Strike: Of course, while our roastmaster is the easy butt of jokes, let’s not forget the cast and crew of cretins, scumbags and shady figures that have assembled here tonight.
Strike pauses for a second, pondering something.
Chris Strike: Oh, right, Darrin Stearns is here too! Sorry Darrin. Kinda hard to see you sat down all the way there, with the rolling wheels and what have you. I’m glad you are here with us tonight. A phoenix risen from the ashes, live and in living color, ladies and gentlemen.
Darrin rolls his eyes, leaning back on his seat while Strike continues on.
Chris Strike: In all seriousness, Darrin is a hell of a guy. One of the most prolifent brawlers I’ve had to pleasure to witness in our staff, somebody whose career was taken away from him too soon via injuries and a man whose last name rhymes with Bueller. Funny thing most of you may not quite know about Darrin, he has this laptop that has this nifty program that talks to you. Some of you may have Siri, so basically...the best comparison I can make is that this program is Darrin Stearns in a nutshell...if he were smarter, more articulate and had a bigger penis to plow things with.
The camera pans over to Darrin Stearns again, who is now laughing accordingly while lightly tapping one of the armrests with his left hand while the other covers his mouth.
Chris Strike: Speaking of plowing things...hello Christian.
The crowd “ooooh’s” a fair bit as Christian Kane’s face is now seen by the cameras with a challenging look on his face, the two storied rivals exchanging a glance before Strike returns his attention to the podium.
Chris Strike: Some call you my biggest nemesis in the entirety of my thirteen years in this industry. They would be correct, actually. Over the past two years, we’ve put on wars that have put butts into seats across the world, got us an HBO special that made our Defiance title match-up far more interesting than anything SVW was putting on at the time, and even got offered to do a guest stint as a buddy cop duo in an Archer episode...which you promptly refused, after being told that, no, for the last time, you would not be replacing H. Jon Benjamin as the voice of Sterling Archer. But I get it, Christian...y’know, given the fact that our jabs at one another go as far back as the days when PWF and that shithole in Knoxville were a thing. To you, I’ll always be remember as “Linkin Strike” due to some asshole leaking footage of a time where I grieved for my fallen wife and children…
Christian points and laughs accordingly, clapping a few times at the memories in question.
Chris Strike: ...But as depressing and whatnot as the deaths of my wife and children were, I’m certain that nothing compares to the fact...that you once got into a drunken fight with and then proceeded to get beat up by Santa Claus himself over in PWF.
The crowd roars in laughter while Christian’s eyes widen, as he starts yelling “GODDAMMIT STRIKE! I BEAT UP SANTA! I. BEAT UP. SANTA. YOU KNOW THIS! I BEAT HIM UP!!!”
Chris Strike: Christian still wears those scars proudly. A true Mr. Plow, at that. But hey, I think we’ve both shown considerable growth over the past few months given we succeeded in tag team affairs and agreed on the importance of good blowjobs in the morning during the EXPRO Experience event on Monday.
Blowjob: (Off stage) HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris Strike: Not that kind of blowjob, mind you. But yes, let’s just settle on the fact that you, Christian Kane, are somewhat okay on my book. Even if you did once upon a time hire an actress to play at being my dead wife and then proceeded to tear my ACL with a goddamned wrench. ...Then again, on second thought? Nah, go fuck yourself.
The crowd laughs accordingly, as Kane shrugs his shoulders, talking about how shit happens and how Strike still lives in a favela regardless.
Chris Strike: Anyways, now that we’re done here, let’s move on to something that’s short, has had a disappointing year and has been pretty much robbed of its entire dignity in a matter of months...ladies and gentlemen, Adrien Cochrane. I rest my case. But don’t feel bad...at least you’re not Blake Jones.
Adrien chuckles lightly but has the overall face of somebody who doesn’t look too amused, especially given the crowd’s laughter.
Chris Strike: Also, with apologies to Wulf Erikssen, I’m running out of time so I’m just going to throw a bit of truth at you before I get on with the people who actually matter in this shindig...quesadillas are better, hombre. Deal with it.
There is a gasp amidst the crowd followed by laughter as Wulf shakes his head in disapproval, talking about the greatness of BURRITOS to anybody in the vicinity as Strike - who had slipped on some shades after that last comment - gradually removes them and places it on the podium.
Chris Strike: Justin Brooks is among us here tonight...somehow. I had no idea that any other UWL rejects outside of our guest of honor, Fiona, Kane and I were actually allowed in these things. No, seriously, we can’t let Jay Jefferson see just how successful anybody tends to become the moment they leave his company...that’d be both heresy and ensure that piece of crap ends up having a heart attack all at the same time. ...Then again, on second thought? CAMERA! Show Justin Brooks’ mug to the world along with the rest of us, do it do it do it do it do it!
The crowd laughs at the sudden burst of energy from Strike as it shows Brooks chuckling slightly before screaming “YOU’RE WELCOME WHITE PEOPLE!” to even more laughter.
Chris Strike: Now, hopefully that will have worked. And if it doesn’t, we’ll just blame somebody else like Cory Tyler, Josh Eagles, Shawn Stevens or any of the shit-spewing rejects from that company whose names none of you in this audience should look up on Google for your own sakes rather than ours. Now, let’s get back to focusing on the actual talent around these parts...Chandler Scott, don’t think for a second that I’ve forgotten about you.
Chandler Scott’s face appears on the camera shot as he smiles confidently before we return to the podium.
Chris Strike: Friendship with a certain Lasiewicz notwithstanding, nobody can deny the fact that Chandler’s one of those guys who has the “it” factor in this business. No, no, we’re not talking about his natural athleticism, Gentlemen’s Quarterly good looks or the confidence to go out and Harvard Hammer anything that gets between him and his goals. We’re talking about his “it” factor to get attracted to a woman who is utterly and completely batshit insane...and believe me folks, that’s something coming from the guy who just had to fight a Lasiewicz woman to make sure he wouldn’t go to the goddamned altar.
Laughter and a few other “oooh’s” emerge from the attending audience while Chandler shakes his head, chuckling lightly while saying that Savannah Taylor is nowhere near Strike’s level of crazy chicks he’s fucked in the last few months.
Chris Strike: Dick and Seth. Seth and Dick. The duo behind calling the action on EXODUS, one who is basically a fountain of knowledge to those who speak with him and a friendly face we see at shows...and the other is a dick. One of them happened to welcome me with open arms in his own odd, twisted little way...and the other was a dick. One of them just happens to be one of the greatest commentators I have had the pleasure to have calling my matches...while the other is a dick.
A bit of laughter escapes from Seth Ericson as he points at Dick Morosi, while Morosi glances at the podium confused.
Chris Strike: Seth Ericson, I’m surprised you haven’t changed your name yet given how many times I’ve called you a dick, you absolutely worthless, moronic dick. The fates couldn’t have chosen a worse human being to work with Morosi even if they tried.
Now it’s Morosi’s turn to start laughing accordingly, covering his face while Seth stops laughing immediately, glaring over at the podium.
Chris Strike: Of course, last but not least...two of my favorite people. Well, one of them and the husband, anyway.
Fiona claps accordingly, laughing while Jonathan sighs, watching it all from his seat of honor.
Chris Strike: Fiona Collins was Fiona Rourke when I first had seen her inside of a squared circle and back then, y’know, I was in more friendly terms with the likes of Katherine Stryfe, Valerie Lamb, etc...it might have had something to do with the fact I was kind of dating Valerie’s kid sister. Hot little redhead, long story. Anyways...I remember quite well that Fiona was a bit of a hot subject and contrary to popular belief, it was not due to the genetics that have given her a chest most women go get surgery for...but about, y’know, everybody’s favorite word: favoritism. Really, just about everyone outside of EXODUS Pro, for whatever odd reason, thinks that Fiona’s coddled or something...which is sad, really. Because I do remember Katherine Stryfe getting her shit kicked in by the Seraph over here - it was as quick and painful as watching Ichigo’s H2 form curbstomp Ulquiorra. ...Or for those of you who aren’t nerds like Fi and I, it’s the equivalent of what life does to Samantha Raine on a daily basis.
Some laughters occur from the crowd and Fiona seems particularly into it, clapping along.
Chris Strike: But really, Fiona Collins is one of the best wrestlers in the world right now. No ass kissery bullshit, no shenanigans, she just simply goes out there and does her thing...y’know, while making sure every human being - no matter what gender they identify themselves as - from early teenagehood to adulthood feels a little bit funny in their pants due to #RourkeGenetics in full effect. She’s a representation of a strong, confident female who don’t need no man to whoop ass, thus inspiring many across the globe while pissing off every single keyboard internet warrior out in the planet. You, good madam, are a shit stirrer. And I appreciate it so much that I won’t even make a joke about your breasts being the only flotation device that Jonathan will ever need in his life in case you all are lost at sea someday.
The crowd roars in laughter again alongside the guests as Strike’s eyes widen and he realizes what he did, before shrugging lightly while glancing over behind him with an apologetic smile before turning back to the podium.
Chris Strike: Last but most certainly not least, our guest of honor tonight...the Saint of Violence himself, Jonathan Collins. Jonathan and I didn’t really know each other much up until a year ago when I first came into EXODUS but I remember my times of running into him while we were working the same shows in Japan. I think a lot of our interactions went something along the lines of “look at this fucking guy over here, thinking he owns this shit...why I oughta…” Fun times, eh, Jon? I mean, we were nothing more than a pair of really pissed off kids who tried to act a lot older than we actually were...and twelve years later, not all that much has fucking changed, has it?
Laughter from the crowd, Jonathan Collins included.
Chris Strike: No, but seriously...Jon and I, along with Darrin and Jimmy over there, kinda consider ourselves some of the last people of a generation that knew and experienced such things like territories, where traveling the world at large via car or plane for a measly paycheck and the experience of professional wrestling was commonplace rather than following in old customs. Seriously, every person and their goddamned mother keeps making things easier on the kids these days by opening wrestling schools. Like we’re supposed to make it easy on the next generation. Hah. What a very new school concept that’ll corrupt this generation of wrestlers, ain’t it true Jon?
Jonathan nods, while Seth Ericson screams “IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU’VE BOTH DONE THAT, ISN’T IT?!”
Chris Strike: Shut up, Seth. The point here is that Jon and I, over the course of a year, have bonded as friends and brothers-in-arms faster than most would give us credit. Technically, it helps a lot of our time was well spent in fucking Ellum, Texas to try and settle the affairs we’re settling this weekend. So, I could just crack a few funny jokes about Jonathan and leave it at that...but I’m afraid that would end up about as bad as Jon’s career as an English teacher did. There was a reason why he’s called the “Saint of Violence,” folks...and I’m afraid that after a long and hard set of affairs, the people of West Philadelphia - which Black Jones was young enough to witness - and the judicial system put a lid on it and made him sign a NDA on the entire ordeal.
Blowjob: (Off stage) NDA! NDAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Chris Strike: So on that note, I will bid you all adieu and Hal Snyder? Wherever you are...from all of us, just to you...kindly go fuck yourself. Thank you.
The crowd watching laughs, standing up and applauding as music plays Strike off as he moves away from the podium and over to Jonathan Collins, shaking hands and exchanging an embrace with his friend before returning to his seat. Returning from backstage, Jimmy Riley approaches the microphone.
Jimmy Riley: Laugh all you want, Strike; end of the night, I'm getting into bed with her, while you...ah shit, you're probably having another threesome, aren't you?
Chris Strike simply raises his arms in defense.
Jimmy Riley: Well...that brings us to the end of the evening. What, you thought you'd actually get to talk, Jon? Come on, you knew better than that! You've spent the better part of the last two decades putting yourself over! Like I'm gonna be dumb enough to give you a live microphone. That's like letting Justin Brooks talk, and I learned that lesson a long goddamn time ago. You've tortured us enough, Jon; as Director of EXODUS, you brought in Selena Alexander, Gryphon, the Batemans, and Brett Fucking Sands!
He pauses, then grins.
Jimmy Riley: And now...our esteemed guest of honor, the "Saint of Violins"...ah, fuck.
Jonathan Collins!
The crowd rises in a round of standing applause as Jon approaches the podium, sharing a hug with Jimmy...who wastes no time in taking Jon's chair as he takes his place at the microphone.
Jonathan Collins: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for all coming out here tonight. I see that friends from far and wide have made it out here, and for that I thank you.
Of course this begs the age old question...if this was for my friends and family, who invited Adrien Cochrane? At least, if it matters, Adrien Cochrane is living proof that the college life of UCSD has influenced us as much as we've influenced UCSD. Thanks to the college life, our company now has that douche with a guitar you see at every frat party. On the plus side, I'd still rather see you in the crowd than Zack Lifer.
The crowd laughs, Adrien chuckling along.
Jonathan Collins: My good friend, Chandler Scott is here. Chandler, please do me a favor and invest all the money you make on this run in the company in a dermatologist, because you look like the world's oldest twentysomething right now. I'm almost in my 40s, and you look as old as me! Chandler, please, for the love of god, if the past few weeks with Savannah Taylor have taught you anything, I'm hoping moisturize is one of them.
Chandler is seen in the crowd pointing at Jonathan, mockingly threatening his friend as Jon shrugs innocently.
Jonathan Collins: Angela Jameson is here! It's really good to see my friend. She's been employed in EXODUS for close to a year, but at least she's still done more than Jimmy Riley. Angela, thank you for being here, I was afraid I was going to have to fill your seat with Harvey. I also see my beautiful friend Heather Halliwell in the audience, and I'm so glad she made it out. I was afraid that seeing so many of her ex-lovers in one location was going to scare her off.
He laughs, grinning at her as he comes over and quickly gives her a hug before pulling away and going back to the podium.
Jonathan Collins: Wulf! Thank you, Wulf, I'm so happy you made it out. For once, you don't have the biggest hair in the room with all these lovely feminine hairstyles. Also, for once, you might not be the drunkest man in the room, since I see Minoru Asano. So if other people have those bases covered for you....why are you here again?
He laughs, quickly getting up and pointing at Jon, shouting "BURRITO!"
Jonathan Collins: HEY! We have people for that tonight too! It's not Dick Morosi or Seth Ericson, but I'll give them credit. They've called some of the biggest and important matches of my career. It's nice to know that they were so good at their jobs, I was able to higher them for next to nothing when we started EXODUS. It's almost as if they were unemployed or something!
Seth quickly screams out "MAKING MINIMUM WAGE!" to Jon, who gets him to laugh, shaking his head.
Jonathan Collins: Darrin Stearns is here, the only man on the dais with so little personality, he makes his computer operated girlfriend look like a ham. Also, I see my tech girl Ginny in the audience, which makes this the first time she's done something actually social that didn't involve Facebook likes. Chris Strike? I feel everything's already been said about you, especially in regards to your infamous relationship with Lady Magdalena. It will be a reminder throughout your entire life, especially when you go to your next doctor's appointment about that growth on your testicle.
The audience laughs, especially Christian Kane.
Jonathan Collins: Why are you laughing, Kane? You're the reason half the girls on the UCSD campus have the clap right now. It's like the farther from the divorce you get, the younger, sluttier, and more likely to have daddy issues they get. At least you're not Justin Brooks, who may be the only man in the audience with bigger tits than his wife.
Speaking of gigantic breasts...hi, honey.
Jonathan starts to grin, turning his head over to Fiona, who just starts laughing.
Jonathan Collins: Now we've had some questions about the legitimacy of my wife's bust. Having married her and having been with her for the past couple of years, I can safely tell you Fiona's breasts are very real. She's been blessed with amazing genetics that have helped her find a second career as my bedtime pillow, but she's very real and I will continue to love her and them as they droop down to where my balls will inevitably be.
But hey, if she wants to give them a lift before my vision kicks out on me, I'm not saying I'd be against that.
The crowd laughs as Fiona jokingly pushes her boobs up as he looks at her.
Jonathan Collins: Fiona, seriously. I love you, thank you for the support, but please know that the little thing you did with your mouth before this roast started still won't help me get you to the front of the line for a World Title shot sooner.
The crowd laughs more as Fiona seems shocked at his accusations, all before she laughs and wipes the corner of her mouth with her finger and smirks as everyone claps.
Jonathan Collins: But...really. All jokes aside, I need to get this out of my system. They say that the truest form of success is when it is not you that acknowledges your success, or the people that critique your job, but your peers. The most sincere form of success I have ever been given comes from the words spoken by my friends, by my family, by the students that have traveled from far and wide because I put my name on a school and on EXODUS Pro. Success, to me, will not be measured by the things I have or have not done, but by the lessons I have learned and the things I have been given in this industry over the past twenty years. This is success at its most pure, and I hope that this feeling never ends.
Over the next few days, we're going to celebrate two years of EXODUS and I'm going to wrestle my final match. I'm not sad about that, you know? I'm hopeful for the future. I believe in the future as it stands now. I believe that I've done a great deal of good and that this world has done a great deal of good for me. I'm not sad it's ending, I'm happy because this all happened. I got to work with great people, I got to meet a woman that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I got to work with new friends. So really, thank you. Thank you to all of you who spent your hard earned money on this roast, on any EXODUS event, or anything else right now affiliated with our company. It is because of you that I have been able to live comfortably and it is because of you I understand why that damn "Closing Time" song is so emotional. That being said, I'm going to be ridiculous and quote it. I see many of today's current stars in the building. I see many of tomorrow's stars in (R)Evolution Wrestling. Caleb Storm, Sydney Christensen, Aries Reed, Shozo Arino. All of you, whether I said your name or not, you have the potential to shape the future, and it's time for guys like me to let that happen, because every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
And yes, I do know who I want to take me home. Thank you, and good night.
He grins and raises one hand as "Closing Time" by Semisonic plays, Fiona coming up to him and embracing him as the evening comes to an end.
Spotlights begin circling the building as the voice of David Zinkus fills the air;
David Zinkus: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Roast of Jonathan Collins!
A round of applause is given for the mere announcement.
David Zinkus: Now, please welcome the Master of Ceremonies for tonight's event...Jimmy Riley!
As if he planned it, the cheesiest possible "award show music" is cued up as Jimmy takes the stage, a gigantic goofy smile on his face as he soaks in the applause...that's not at all for him. After nodding to the crew on the dais, and a few key people in the front row (Chandler Scott, Adrien Cochrane, Justin Brooks), he takes his place behind the podium.
Jimmy Riley: Yes, yes...good evening! Welcome everyone and Jackie Fowler to the Roast of Jonathan Collins! We've got everyone here tonight, even...somewhere, I'm told Magnus Christum Furor Gunner himself is in the building! You can tell which one is him because he's the one frowning at all the jokes.
A soft wave of laughter through the crowd at the obvious, but weak joke.
Jimmy Riley: Let's not wait any further, though; here he is, the man of the hour...the one, the only, Jonathan Collins!
It's not any of Jon's themes, but instead "The Great Gate of Kiev" that hails Jon onto the stage, as somewhere Meta Johnson rubs his hands together before *BOOM*ing the sound guy. Don't worry, we had a second one ready. Jon waves at the crowd, almost nervously gestures to the dais, before sitting in his personal chair opposite the stage from them.
Jimmy Riley: Jon will have plenty of time to bore all of us to death with a 30 minute speech later. Right now, however, it's his turn to sit back as we turn this mic over to the absolutely deplorable cast we've put together! Let's kick things off with the...well, at least the ninth or tenth person I think of when I think of Jonathan Collins.
The camera focuses on Wulf Erikssen as Jimmy continues.
Jimmy Riley: I honestly have no idea how he got up here, other than offering the staff burritos. Ladies and gents, here's Wulf Erkissen!
Jimmy steps aside as Wulf rises, walking across to the microphone as he's greeted with a round of applause.
Wulf Erikssen: Oi oi, cheers Jimbo. Oi oi everyone.
There's a brief cheer from the crowd.
Wulf Erikssen: Now, I've got to admit I ain't really got much idea what this roast palaver is about. We don't have 'em back in blighty. When some old sod retires, we just all gather round, hand them a gold watch or something, then everyone just gets back to work. So I'm going to do something a little different.
There's a confused murmur from the crowd.
Wulf Erikssen: Some of these people have come to praise Jonno, some have come to bury him, but me? I've come to rock him, on the dais!
"Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco starts playing over the PA system. Wulf grooves a little, as the crowd cheers. After a minute or so, the music fades out, and Wulf steps back up to the mic.
Wulf Erikssen: I've got to be honest, I ain't prepared nothing, I'm floundering here. Bit like little Adey Cochrane over there when he gets into the ring. But there's this fancy timer on the lectern here that tells me how long I got to talk for, and that little dance routine barely ate up half of it...
The crowd laughs.
Wulf Erikssen: Don't laugh! That ain't funny. Ummm... OK, how about I tell you all how I met Jonno. It was... oh, who knows how long ago, an after-party after some gig in Boston, the beer was flowing, the music was playing, our eyes locked across the room. We skanked the night away, everybody else just faded away. At some point, in the wee hours of the morning, we slipped away, and...
Wulf blinks, as a stunned hush comes over the audience.
Wulf Erikssen: No, wait a minute, that's how I met Stacey. Then how the hell did I meet Jonno? Right, I've royally screwed this up, so I'm going for emergency plan B. LOOK! SOME FORM OF DISTRACTION!
Wulf points quickly to the back of the room, and some people actually turn around. As soon as they do, Wulf runs from the podium back to his seat, and quickly sits back down, raising his hand over his face to try and hide himself. Jimmy calmly walks back up to the microphone.
Jimmy Riley: Well, I can see we're already off to an auspicious start...or something like that. Next up, it's the most recognizable voices...well, recognizable and coherent, because c'mon. We can all recognize Aries Reed's cocky voice, but does anyone have a fucking clue what he's saying? It's the commentary team of EXPRO on FX, here's Dick Morosi and Seth Ericson!
The pair meander their way to the mic, Seth playing to the fans as Dick...waits for him, having headed straight for the podium. Eventually, both men are there, ready to begin.
Dick Morosi: Thank you, everyone! It's great to be here among such honored guests...and Darrin Stearns.
Seth Ericson: Darrin Stearns notwithstanding, Dick, it is a very distinguised crowd we have today. Between the few lucky UCSD students who probably did their way into it like rabbits, the many wrestlers whose matches we have called - flawlessly, I might add - and the people here on stage with us...man, we haven't had our fans full like this since the days of having to call Dom Harter and Selena Alexander matches.
Dick chuckles before continuing.
Dick Morosi: Call's a strong word, Seth; let's go with "survive" Dom Harter matches! Hey, let's have a big hand for Wulf Erikssen, who came all the way here from his RV in the parking lot, shall we? He was...he was great, right Seth?
Seth Ericson: If this was drunken karaoke night with The Masked Salaryman, then sure, let's call it great. But really, Wulf's effort is appreciated. As we all know, he's one-half of the tandem known as TROUBLE. An apt name, given the fact that every time he speaks into a microphone, it's TROUBLE for viewing audience to understand a single word out of him. Thank God for subtitles. Speaking of Gods...fuck you, Chris Strike.
The camera cuts to Strike, who simply grins, responding with not words, but a middle finger.
Dick Morosi: Not the first time he's heard that one this week, I'm sure. And we've still got several people to go up here, including...oh, here's a real gem; Christian Kane's gonna be up here later. No confirmation to the rumor that he's going to be receiving a blowjob -- No, not that kind -- on the stage.
Almost as if on cue, over the PA system...
Blowjob (Off Stage): HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Seth Ericson: Pipe down Blowjob, people are trying to do their jobs here! Speaking of doing jobs, let's welcome back an old friend of ours in Adrien Cochrane, recently returned to action after doing the nasty job of paying off Adrianna Rivers just about half of his entire life savings, soul and everything in between. But look on the bright side, Adrien...at least there were no kids. Because you know what they say...eighteen years, eighteen years, she got one of your kids, got you for eighteen years!
Cut to a shot of Adrien in the front row, as he mocks wiping sweat from his brow before giving his guest tonight, Casey Faith, a smile.
Dick Morosi: Ah yes, Kanye West; the 21st century's poet laureate. And don't forget Justin Brooks, because Lord knows virtually everyone else does and it just makes him give us his angry baby face!
Seth Ericson: He does have the least intimidating angry face I have seen in all of my days. I mean, we all he's a big softie on the inside given the wife and kids but maybe Zack Lifer wouldn't be a problem anymore if he just had done less of the angry face and more of the tossing him around like a ragdoll thing...oh yeah, shut up Lifer.
The new catchphrase of the EXODUS fanbase receives a resounding cheer.
Dick Morosi: And then we've got the other two thirds of the Marauders...our roastmaster himself Jimmy Riley, and Mrs. Fiona Collins!
A cheer from most of the crowd, followed by a slight buzz, but-
Dick Morosi: And before anyone butts in...yes. Two-thirds. They never initiated anyone else, shut up.
Seth Ericson: I think you mean the gentleman who married the hotter of the Rourke cousins and...well, the still hot Rourke cousin who ended getting stuck with our esteemed guest of honor here tonight, Dick.
Behind the pair, Jimmy Riley can be seen giving the double "thumbs up" to the camera.
Dick Morosi: And that brings us to the man of the hour! Jonathan Collins...looked like a homeless man the first time we met him. True story; he wore a torn up wifebeater, a pair of baggy pants straight out of the year 2000, and looked like a meth addict.
...He cleans up alright, I guess.
A round of laughs from the crowd...
Seth Ericson: Dick, that's still what he wears every Tuesday morning during production meetings.
...that doubles with the punchline.
Dick Morosi: People might remember that Jonathan stepped away from the sport for awhile also to teach English. Now he's the Director of EXODUS, and there's really no difference between high school students and pro wrestlers, am I right?
Seth Ericson: Surprisingly, Dick? I'd take the pro wrestlers on a spelling test over Jonathan's English students. There's a reason he's back with us, after all.
Dick Morosi: But in all seriousness, Seth and I are honored to be here, and honored to have called some of the biggest matches in Jonathan's career.
Seth Ericson: In fact, we kinda sorta...owe him. Y'know, a lot. We may or may not pay our debts with blood and the occasional bi-weekly broadcast of EXODUS Pro...but seriously, if we're going to owe our souls to somebody? Why not to the guy who keeps getting called "The Perfect Evil" by every single other wrestling company that wishes they had a Jonathan Collins of their own?
We love you, Jon...platonically. Please don't Shinigami me, Fiona. Thank you.
Both men wave to the crowd as they receive a round of cheers before returning to their seats. Jimmy Riley returns to the podium, looking back at the pair as they sit down.
Jimmy Riley: And I think I speak for all of us when I say...Please Shinigami him, Fiona.
A round of laughs as Jimmy and Fiona share a thumbs up.
Jimmy Riley: Now, there's a whole host of people who, I'm told, wanted to be here tonight, but couldn't make it. Somehow, tickets to this event were sold out...and we still let Adrien Cochrane in the building. I'm told, Jon, that Andrew Ashton wanted to be here, but he got sidetracked by a trip to Mexico. As we all know-
The crowd finishes for him,
"DON'T FUCKING GO TO MEXICO!"[/b]
Jimmy Riley: And White Phoenix didn't accept the invite, but did send this...uh, telegram.
Indeed, Jimmy produces what appears to be a telegram letter and begins to read.
Jimmy Riley: Dear Jon, stop.
He pauses.
Jimmy Riley: That...that's all it said. He also sent a letter, clearly written on a typewriter that reads, "Jimmy, stop sending me mail. Go fuck yourself, I'm not coming out of my cave for that asshole." And from one crotchety old man to one man's crotch...Mr. Plow himself, Christian Kane!
The audience applauds as Christian Kane stands from his seat, smirking as he buttons up his white tuxedo jacket, beginning to walk forward as he does so before picking up his drink. As he reaches the podium he takes a sip from his glass before placing it down on the podium, pulling out a folded piece of paper after doing so. He unfolds the piece of paper and looks out into the audience for short moment before leaning forward and speaking into the microphone.
Christian Kane: Glad you could all make it tonight.
The audience begins to applaud and cheer along with those on the stage but Kane interrupts.
Christian Kane: Well, actually, I’m glad MOST of you could make it. I’m disappointed the rest of you made it too.
A collective laugh.
Christian Kane: No, that wasn’t a joke.
The laughing abruptly ends as Christian shakes his head in disbelief, a sly grin creeping onto his face as he averts his eyes to the piece of paper for a short moment.
Christian Kane: We know what tonight is all about, but first I’d like to bring your attention to some of the people that are here with me on this stage tonight. Now of course some of these guys are excellent and we’ve already heard of quite a few of them already, but I want to tell you some stuff you don’t know about a few of them. Well, actually, one of them. Chris Strike.
A big cheer erupts from the audience who applaud the number one contender to the EXODUS Pro World Championship. Instantly this promotes a negative response from Kane, who’s voice takes on a harsher tone.
Christian Kane: That wasn’t an invitation to cheer. I have a few gags I wrote here. Let me just...
The Handsome Drifter searches the list for a few moments before finding his ‘gags’ written halfway down the page.
Christian Kane: Alright Strike, buckle in you fucking third worlder. AHEM...
...’Hey Strike, have you joined that Dead Baby Support Group with Zack Lifer yet orrrr....?’
Silence. Absolute silence. Except...for one laugh. And it comes from the stage...more precisely, it comes from Chris Strike! The Brazilian takes a moment to compose himself before responding, “The difference is, I didn’t kill mine.”. The crowd share a collective nervous laugh. Kane’s eyes dart back and forth from the audience to Chris Strike.
Christian Kane: ...Are you FUCKING kidding me? You can’t ad-lib onto my gags, you goddamn mudhut building, soccer ball kicking, tranny fucking, favela living little bitch! Your country is so poor you should change the flag to a rectangular piece of rusted out sheet metal. Strike, you are honestly the worst human being alive. I hate you, so fucking much, yet other people just seem to love you, and it further reassures me that everyone in the world is clinically retarded except for me. You stabbed me in the face with a railroad spike, SEVERAL TIMES, and you got patted on the back for it! Where’s my pat on the back?
Kane looks around, almost in distress before he runs across the stage and kneels down in front of Darrin...with his back to him. He points at it for a before Darrin laughs and pats his good friend’s back. Christian instantly jumps back up to his feet and points at Strike as he walks over to the microphone.
Christian Kane: SUCK. IT. Loser.
A laugh comes from the audience who finally feel comfortable again. The neoteric leader of the #STUDLIFE lifestyle raises a hand to get the crowd to settle down before he continues.
Christian Kane: Now, I’ll level with all of you. I spent the past week writing up a list of jokes that were all aimed at Chris Strike. That means, I...honestly can’t think of anything else to say to anyone here. Except well...Fiona, nice tits. But now we move on to the man who gets to suck on those tits pretty much everyday, I certainly would, our glorious leader Jonathan Collins.
Kane begins to applaud his employer, the crowd joining in as Jon rolls his eyes, most probably at the joke that was just made at his and his wife’s expense.
Christian Kane: Now look Jon, a lot of people will know that we’ve had our ups and downs. But I feel that’s only because we’re on the same wavelength. Afterall, I am the only other person than stepped into your shoes as Director and did a damn good job at it, too. A lot of people are going to have their opinions on my time as Director but I enjoyed it, but what I enjoyed the most was your office. You know, when you first step in there it doesn’t FEEL that spacious, but a few lines of coke and two emotionally damaged strippers lately and there is ALL KINDS of space. ...So many positions.
Jonathan slowly begins to facepalm as the crowd ‘ooh’.
Christian Kane: And you know, I did shake things up. I moved your office around, ordered a giant, black marble table, sure - so I was disappointed you moved most of that stuff out. But man...
Kane turns around to Jon, who looks up to meet gaze.
Christian Kane: You should have got rid of the sofa, bro. Trust me. Stains. Everywhere. If you put it under a UV light it’d look like an episode of CSI: Miami. I mean, dude. College girls, strippers, college girl strippers, females who were trying to get a leg up in the business when I had absolutely no intention of hiring them in the first place...that office had it all. But you had to go r-
Suddenly, the Saint of Violence cuts him off as he points at Kane, “wait, weren’t you still with your wife back then?”. The crowd explodes, prompting Christian to glance at his wrist of which there is no watch.
Christian Kane: Look at the time, I better wrap this up, eh? Heh. Wow, okay. So Jonathan Collins. You know...a lot of people called you crazy when you hired me. And not only that, but when you constantly called me, constantly hassled me to give EXODUS Pro a try. You knew I was reluctant, a little down on myself, but you did the one thing that nobody did for a long time, and that was to just believe in me. And Jon? I let you down, twice. I came in here, I talked a big game and I faded. Faded away into obscurity. But this time, I’m paying back all that faith that you had in me man. And for you to have the foresight, to be so adamant that I could become great once again? Well that’s a testament to you as a boss, a leader, and most importantly, a friend. Here’s to you, Jon. Cheers.
The Handsome Drifter picks up his drink from the podium and raises it in the direction of Jonathan as the crowd get on their feet to applaud both men.
Jimmy Riley: I can never look at that office the same away again...so...thanks?
Christian offers a toast to Jimmy, much as he did to Jon moments before.
Jimmy Riley: ...Yeah, thanks. Well, let's change gears again, everyone. Jon, I apologize...well, shit, no I don't -- Got a glimpse of those fabulous breasts and I can confirm now first...and second hand, #RourkeGenetics are real. Ladies and gents, the Stardust Seraph herself, Fiona Collins!
Fiona Collins: Thank you, Jimmy! You know, Jim, I really have to tell you, I'm sorry that a back injury has been keeping you out of the sport you love, because I'm not really sure how you hurt it, to be honest. I'm going to assume it was a bad fall, because everyone that's ever had you as a partner had to carry you! Adrien Cochrane is here in the audience tonight as well. The lack of sound you hear is how much everyone in EXODUS cared about that.
The crowd laughs as Fiona gives a little cheesy grin before shuffling her index cards.
Fiona Collins: Christian Kane, it's nice to see you up on the dais tonight. Looking dapper as usual, might I add. You've been in and out of EXODUS more times than you've been in and out of Venus the past week, so thank you for taking the time to do something that won't get you diseased.
The crowd continues to laugh, as Kane chuckles himself, making an "o" shape with one hand and putting his index finger in and out of it, winking at Fiona and the crowd.
Fiona Collins: But seriously, you fucking a (R)Evolution student that started out as a fan from the college has to be really freeing for you. It's all the sin of fucking an underage girl without the legal issues that come with it! On the bright side, you're finally dating someone that spends more time in front of the mirror than you!
Again, the crowd laughs as she gives Kane the thumb's up.
Fiona Collins: Chris Strike is here too, ladies and gentlemen! Strike has been one of my closest friends since he came to EXODUS and anyone who follows us on Twitter knows we love us some anime and Harry Potter. That’s right. That's your next World Champion, folks...a total fangirl!
At that moment, as Strike is laughing, Fiona gives a look at the camera, showing she is perfectly aware of the irony as she laughs, shaking her head.
Fiona Collins: Chris, you're awesome, amazing, fantastic, but if you bite off me anymore, Jon's going to have to wonder if I had a sex change. It's starting to scare me enough, and I've seen scary things in my time here in EXODUS! I've seen Omar Wise! I've seen Mason Joseph's career! I'VE SEEN A BRETT SANDS MATCH!
Suddenly, Fiona points out to the audience as the crowd laughs loudly and waves frantically, smiling wide.
Fiona Collins: HI HEATHER! Heather Halliwell is here, guys! I'm glad she made it out, because the last time I saw her, she looked pretty sad. Then again, I'd be pretty sad too if the most emo penis in EXODUS was inside of me. I hope Andreas at least sang you a Cure song before he got into your panties. Speaking of people in panties, let's talk about Devan Whi--wait, wrong person.
Once again, the crowd laughs before she turns to look at the man of the evening, smiling softly.
Fiona Collins: Jonathan. My dear, sweet, loving, ancient old fart...I love you. I love you for who you are at home, for what you've contributed to the industry, and what you've done to make professional wrestling a great place for everyone. You took eight years off and reinvented your look, your offense, and you became a bigger star than you ever were before. The only thing I can say is that I love you, you're amazing, and please...for the love of God, STAY RETIRED! It's seriously getting hard living in your shadow. I love you though, Captain, and I’m so glad I get to be a part of this tonight and be in your life forever.
She smiles as he smiles back, getting up as she comes over and wraps her arms around him, kissing his cheek before she raises his hand and points to him before stepping aside for Jimmy's return to the podium.
Jimmy Riley: Get back in your seat!
The fake scolding sends Fiona "scrambling" back across the stage to her chair.
Jimmy Riley: And for the record, the back injury came from your cousin.
Both Fiona and, in the crowd, her cousin Maggie, both crack up laughing as the crowd follows suit.
Jimmy Riley: From the physically closest person to Jon, to possibly the historically closest person. Or hell, maybe physically, I'm not here to judge -- I'm just here to introduce Darrin Stearns!
Darrin rises from his seat to a round of applause as he approaches the microphone.
Darrin Stearns: Thank you, Jimmy. And thank you for displaying the most personality you've ever shown in two years in EXODUS.
He chuckles as he points over at Jimmy and smiles.
Darrin Stearns: Tonight, we're here to honor my best friend, a man I've known for thirteen years and had the greatest match of my career with. However, the one problem I have with this is the fact that Jonathan is the guy who put together the whole week of events and tacked this on at the end. It's the equivalent of a girl throwing herself a quincinera!
Jonathan laughs, his hand covering his eyes as he shook his head.
Darrin Stearns: We got a lot of great people here on the dais and in the audience tonight. Dick Morosi and Seth Ericson are here, and the amusing thing about this to me is the fact that they're the only couple up here on the dais that have more relationship issues than Jon and Fiona.
The crowd chuckles, and Darrin grins as he flips his index card.
Darrin Stearns: Chris Strike and Christian Kane are both up here. It's a relief to see them not at each other's throats for once. I think Strike should take a moment to reevaluate his life choices, as he finally found the one crazy chick Christian Kane wouldn't even fuck.
Again, the crowd laughs as Kane casually shrugs things off, Darrin smiling the whole time.
Darrin Stearns: How normal is it, Chris, that I'm the one in a relationship with artificial intelligence and you're the one considered out of your mind for your sex choices?
Out of nowhere, Marilyn Monroe (or is it Skynet?) comes onto the stage and reaches over for Darrin, forcibly kissing him on the cheek as he laughs, smiling and shrugging.
Darrin Stearns: But for real, Christian, it's great to see you up here on the dais, on the road to your redemption since your return at Absent Are the Saints. A surprise entrant in The Crucible, it's the most low key arrival in EXODUS you've ever had. I'm going to assume you didn't want the girl you were fucking at the time to know she was the side bitch to professional wrestling. Christian, it's good to see you back and motivated in the industry. Hopefully this time, you won't fuck up booking plans as much as you fuck (R)Evolution Wrestling girls.
He laughs, all before Kane raises an eyebrow.
Darrin Stearns: It's okay, Venus'll take care of it. You gave up on wooing me when you started hitting that. Seriously, you should be thankful I'm not insane like some of the previous girls you've slept with. I also appreciate you're not the only person to come in and out of EXODUS like it was Heather Halliwell's vagina, because Chandler Scott has you beat on that.
He laughs, all while Heather drops her jaw and he grins at her, pointing.
Darrin Stearns: It's just a roast! Alright, let's see. Oh, hey Fiona! It's good to see you. Try not to get near Wulf's spiked up mohawk, your tits might pop. Seriously, Fiona...I've never seen someone make my best friend as happy as you make him. It's nice to know you two get along so well, all things considered. I mean, he's an aging gunslinger and you're a supermodel that has the only pair of tits in EXODUS that make Heather Halliwell give pause. It's been an honor and a pleasure to watch you grow as a wrestler, as a person, and as a pair of boobs. I'm not saying Kamijo is right, but...Rourke Genetics hit EXODUS like a sharp uppercut when you came back from your knee surgery.
Finally, Darrin smiles and turns back to Jonathan.
Darrin Stearns: Jon, all jokes aside, you have no idea how much I consider you a friend. You are my brother, you are my family, and this business is losing a great person in you when you retire. We're losing one of the greatest in-ring workers of the past twenty years, and even if you'll be working in the office and in the school, we're still losing a major part of the business. I love you, and thank you for everything.
Another round of applause greets the end of Darrin's piece as he returns to his seat.
Jimmy Riley: HAH. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!
The applause turns into a big round of laughter from the crowd.
Jimmy Riley: But seriously, everyone. Up next is a man who needs...no introduction.
And with that, Jimmy Riley simply walks away from the mic, leaving Chris Strike confused for a moment before rising. The moment he does, he's met with a raucous pop from the crowd in attendance before approaching the podium.
Chris Strike: Thank you, thank you to all who are here tonight, joining us in this somewhat extravagant celebration. First of all, everybody give a big hand to our esteemed roastmaster, Jimmy Riley!
Applause occurs from the entirety of the crowd as the camera pans to Jimmy before returning to the podium where Strike is at.
Chris Strike: Jimmy’s an interesting character. A “Risen Star,” a man who managed to somehow marry into the Rourke family the same way that a lowly ronin manages to marry into a high-class samurai family...by pretty much doing everything as she commands and rising to the occasion when it matters under the covers. It’s a very impressive feat that shouldn’t be disregarded by any means. It’s...just too bad you couldn’t do more of that during your time as an active competitor, eh Jimbo? Maybe if you had, Fiona wouldn’t be the one known as the most successful out of the entire family.
Chris shrugs his shoulders as that elicits a laugh from crowd, the camera panning over to Fiona Collins and over to Jimmy Riley again for a moment before getting back to the podium.
Chris Strike: Of course, while our roastmaster is the easy butt of jokes, let’s not forget the cast and crew of cretins, scumbags and shady figures that have assembled here tonight.
Strike pauses for a second, pondering something.
Chris Strike: Oh, right, Darrin Stearns is here too! Sorry Darrin. Kinda hard to see you sat down all the way there, with the rolling wheels and what have you. I’m glad you are here with us tonight. A phoenix risen from the ashes, live and in living color, ladies and gentlemen.
Darrin rolls his eyes, leaning back on his seat while Strike continues on.
Chris Strike: In all seriousness, Darrin is a hell of a guy. One of the most prolifent brawlers I’ve had to pleasure to witness in our staff, somebody whose career was taken away from him too soon via injuries and a man whose last name rhymes with Bueller. Funny thing most of you may not quite know about Darrin, he has this laptop that has this nifty program that talks to you. Some of you may have Siri, so basically...the best comparison I can make is that this program is Darrin Stearns in a nutshell...if he were smarter, more articulate and had a bigger penis to plow things with.
The camera pans over to Darrin Stearns again, who is now laughing accordingly while lightly tapping one of the armrests with his left hand while the other covers his mouth.
Chris Strike: Speaking of plowing things...hello Christian.
The crowd “ooooh’s” a fair bit as Christian Kane’s face is now seen by the cameras with a challenging look on his face, the two storied rivals exchanging a glance before Strike returns his attention to the podium.
Chris Strike: Some call you my biggest nemesis in the entirety of my thirteen years in this industry. They would be correct, actually. Over the past two years, we’ve put on wars that have put butts into seats across the world, got us an HBO special that made our Defiance title match-up far more interesting than anything SVW was putting on at the time, and even got offered to do a guest stint as a buddy cop duo in an Archer episode...which you promptly refused, after being told that, no, for the last time, you would not be replacing H. Jon Benjamin as the voice of Sterling Archer. But I get it, Christian...y’know, given the fact that our jabs at one another go as far back as the days when PWF and that shithole in Knoxville were a thing. To you, I’ll always be remember as “Linkin Strike” due to some asshole leaking footage of a time where I grieved for my fallen wife and children…
Christian points and laughs accordingly, clapping a few times at the memories in question.
Chris Strike: ...But as depressing and whatnot as the deaths of my wife and children were, I’m certain that nothing compares to the fact...that you once got into a drunken fight with and then proceeded to get beat up by Santa Claus himself over in PWF.
The crowd roars in laughter while Christian’s eyes widen, as he starts yelling “GODDAMMIT STRIKE! I BEAT UP SANTA! I. BEAT UP. SANTA. YOU KNOW THIS! I BEAT HIM UP!!!”
Chris Strike: Christian still wears those scars proudly. A true Mr. Plow, at that. But hey, I think we’ve both shown considerable growth over the past few months given we succeeded in tag team affairs and agreed on the importance of good blowjobs in the morning during the EXPRO Experience event on Monday.
Blowjob: (Off stage) HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris Strike: Not that kind of blowjob, mind you. But yes, let’s just settle on the fact that you, Christian Kane, are somewhat okay on my book. Even if you did once upon a time hire an actress to play at being my dead wife and then proceeded to tear my ACL with a goddamned wrench. ...Then again, on second thought? Nah, go fuck yourself.
The crowd laughs accordingly, as Kane shrugs his shoulders, talking about how shit happens and how Strike still lives in a favela regardless.
Chris Strike: Anyways, now that we’re done here, let’s move on to something that’s short, has had a disappointing year and has been pretty much robbed of its entire dignity in a matter of months...ladies and gentlemen, Adrien Cochrane. I rest my case. But don’t feel bad...at least you’re not Blake Jones.
Adrien chuckles lightly but has the overall face of somebody who doesn’t look too amused, especially given the crowd’s laughter.
Chris Strike: Also, with apologies to Wulf Erikssen, I’m running out of time so I’m just going to throw a bit of truth at you before I get on with the people who actually matter in this shindig...quesadillas are better, hombre. Deal with it.
There is a gasp amidst the crowd followed by laughter as Wulf shakes his head in disapproval, talking about the greatness of BURRITOS to anybody in the vicinity as Strike - who had slipped on some shades after that last comment - gradually removes them and places it on the podium.
Chris Strike: Justin Brooks is among us here tonight...somehow. I had no idea that any other UWL rejects outside of our guest of honor, Fiona, Kane and I were actually allowed in these things. No, seriously, we can’t let Jay Jefferson see just how successful anybody tends to become the moment they leave his company...that’d be both heresy and ensure that piece of crap ends up having a heart attack all at the same time. ...Then again, on second thought? CAMERA! Show Justin Brooks’ mug to the world along with the rest of us, do it do it do it do it do it!
The crowd laughs at the sudden burst of energy from Strike as it shows Brooks chuckling slightly before screaming “YOU’RE WELCOME WHITE PEOPLE!” to even more laughter.
Chris Strike: Now, hopefully that will have worked. And if it doesn’t, we’ll just blame somebody else like Cory Tyler, Josh Eagles, Shawn Stevens or any of the shit-spewing rejects from that company whose names none of you in this audience should look up on Google for your own sakes rather than ours. Now, let’s get back to focusing on the actual talent around these parts...Chandler Scott, don’t think for a second that I’ve forgotten about you.
Chandler Scott’s face appears on the camera shot as he smiles confidently before we return to the podium.
Chris Strike: Friendship with a certain Lasiewicz notwithstanding, nobody can deny the fact that Chandler’s one of those guys who has the “it” factor in this business. No, no, we’re not talking about his natural athleticism, Gentlemen’s Quarterly good looks or the confidence to go out and Harvard Hammer anything that gets between him and his goals. We’re talking about his “it” factor to get attracted to a woman who is utterly and completely batshit insane...and believe me folks, that’s something coming from the guy who just had to fight a Lasiewicz woman to make sure he wouldn’t go to the goddamned altar.
Laughter and a few other “oooh’s” emerge from the attending audience while Chandler shakes his head, chuckling lightly while saying that Savannah Taylor is nowhere near Strike’s level of crazy chicks he’s fucked in the last few months.
Chris Strike: Dick and Seth. Seth and Dick. The duo behind calling the action on EXODUS, one who is basically a fountain of knowledge to those who speak with him and a friendly face we see at shows...and the other is a dick. One of them happened to welcome me with open arms in his own odd, twisted little way...and the other was a dick. One of them just happens to be one of the greatest commentators I have had the pleasure to have calling my matches...while the other is a dick.
A bit of laughter escapes from Seth Ericson as he points at Dick Morosi, while Morosi glances at the podium confused.
Chris Strike: Seth Ericson, I’m surprised you haven’t changed your name yet given how many times I’ve called you a dick, you absolutely worthless, moronic dick. The fates couldn’t have chosen a worse human being to work with Morosi even if they tried.
Now it’s Morosi’s turn to start laughing accordingly, covering his face while Seth stops laughing immediately, glaring over at the podium.
Chris Strike: Of course, last but not least...two of my favorite people. Well, one of them and the husband, anyway.
Fiona claps accordingly, laughing while Jonathan sighs, watching it all from his seat of honor.
Chris Strike: Fiona Collins was Fiona Rourke when I first had seen her inside of a squared circle and back then, y’know, I was in more friendly terms with the likes of Katherine Stryfe, Valerie Lamb, etc...it might have had something to do with the fact I was kind of dating Valerie’s kid sister. Hot little redhead, long story. Anyways...I remember quite well that Fiona was a bit of a hot subject and contrary to popular belief, it was not due to the genetics that have given her a chest most women go get surgery for...but about, y’know, everybody’s favorite word: favoritism. Really, just about everyone outside of EXODUS Pro, for whatever odd reason, thinks that Fiona’s coddled or something...which is sad, really. Because I do remember Katherine Stryfe getting her shit kicked in by the Seraph over here - it was as quick and painful as watching Ichigo’s H2 form curbstomp Ulquiorra. ...Or for those of you who aren’t nerds like Fi and I, it’s the equivalent of what life does to Samantha Raine on a daily basis.
Some laughters occur from the crowd and Fiona seems particularly into it, clapping along.
Chris Strike: But really, Fiona Collins is one of the best wrestlers in the world right now. No ass kissery bullshit, no shenanigans, she just simply goes out there and does her thing...y’know, while making sure every human being - no matter what gender they identify themselves as - from early teenagehood to adulthood feels a little bit funny in their pants due to #RourkeGenetics in full effect. She’s a representation of a strong, confident female who don’t need no man to whoop ass, thus inspiring many across the globe while pissing off every single keyboard internet warrior out in the planet. You, good madam, are a shit stirrer. And I appreciate it so much that I won’t even make a joke about your breasts being the only flotation device that Jonathan will ever need in his life in case you all are lost at sea someday.
The crowd roars in laughter again alongside the guests as Strike’s eyes widen and he realizes what he did, before shrugging lightly while glancing over behind him with an apologetic smile before turning back to the podium.
Chris Strike: Last but most certainly not least, our guest of honor tonight...the Saint of Violence himself, Jonathan Collins. Jonathan and I didn’t really know each other much up until a year ago when I first came into EXODUS but I remember my times of running into him while we were working the same shows in Japan. I think a lot of our interactions went something along the lines of “look at this fucking guy over here, thinking he owns this shit...why I oughta…” Fun times, eh, Jon? I mean, we were nothing more than a pair of really pissed off kids who tried to act a lot older than we actually were...and twelve years later, not all that much has fucking changed, has it?
Laughter from the crowd, Jonathan Collins included.
Chris Strike: No, but seriously...Jon and I, along with Darrin and Jimmy over there, kinda consider ourselves some of the last people of a generation that knew and experienced such things like territories, where traveling the world at large via car or plane for a measly paycheck and the experience of professional wrestling was commonplace rather than following in old customs. Seriously, every person and their goddamned mother keeps making things easier on the kids these days by opening wrestling schools. Like we’re supposed to make it easy on the next generation. Hah. What a very new school concept that’ll corrupt this generation of wrestlers, ain’t it true Jon?
Jonathan nods, while Seth Ericson screams “IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU’VE BOTH DONE THAT, ISN’T IT?!”
Chris Strike: Shut up, Seth. The point here is that Jon and I, over the course of a year, have bonded as friends and brothers-in-arms faster than most would give us credit. Technically, it helps a lot of our time was well spent in fucking Ellum, Texas to try and settle the affairs we’re settling this weekend. So, I could just crack a few funny jokes about Jonathan and leave it at that...but I’m afraid that would end up about as bad as Jon’s career as an English teacher did. There was a reason why he’s called the “Saint of Violence,” folks...and I’m afraid that after a long and hard set of affairs, the people of West Philadelphia - which Black Jones was young enough to witness - and the judicial system put a lid on it and made him sign a NDA on the entire ordeal.
Blowjob: (Off stage) NDA! NDAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Chris Strike: So on that note, I will bid you all adieu and Hal Snyder? Wherever you are...from all of us, just to you...kindly go fuck yourself. Thank you.
The crowd watching laughs, standing up and applauding as music plays Strike off as he moves away from the podium and over to Jonathan Collins, shaking hands and exchanging an embrace with his friend before returning to his seat. Returning from backstage, Jimmy Riley approaches the microphone.
Jimmy Riley: Laugh all you want, Strike; end of the night, I'm getting into bed with her, while you...ah shit, you're probably having another threesome, aren't you?
Chris Strike simply raises his arms in defense.
Jimmy Riley: Well...that brings us to the end of the evening. What, you thought you'd actually get to talk, Jon? Come on, you knew better than that! You've spent the better part of the last two decades putting yourself over! Like I'm gonna be dumb enough to give you a live microphone. That's like letting Justin Brooks talk, and I learned that lesson a long goddamn time ago. You've tortured us enough, Jon; as Director of EXODUS, you brought in Selena Alexander, Gryphon, the Batemans, and Brett Fucking Sands!
He pauses, then grins.
Jimmy Riley: And now...our esteemed guest of honor, the "Saint of Violins"...ah, fuck.
Jonathan Collins!
The crowd rises in a round of standing applause as Jon approaches the podium, sharing a hug with Jimmy...who wastes no time in taking Jon's chair as he takes his place at the microphone.
Jonathan Collins: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for all coming out here tonight. I see that friends from far and wide have made it out here, and for that I thank you.
Of course this begs the age old question...if this was for my friends and family, who invited Adrien Cochrane? At least, if it matters, Adrien Cochrane is living proof that the college life of UCSD has influenced us as much as we've influenced UCSD. Thanks to the college life, our company now has that douche with a guitar you see at every frat party. On the plus side, I'd still rather see you in the crowd than Zack Lifer.
The crowd laughs, Adrien chuckling along.
Jonathan Collins: My good friend, Chandler Scott is here. Chandler, please do me a favor and invest all the money you make on this run in the company in a dermatologist, because you look like the world's oldest twentysomething right now. I'm almost in my 40s, and you look as old as me! Chandler, please, for the love of god, if the past few weeks with Savannah Taylor have taught you anything, I'm hoping moisturize is one of them.
Chandler is seen in the crowd pointing at Jonathan, mockingly threatening his friend as Jon shrugs innocently.
Jonathan Collins: Angela Jameson is here! It's really good to see my friend. She's been employed in EXODUS for close to a year, but at least she's still done more than Jimmy Riley. Angela, thank you for being here, I was afraid I was going to have to fill your seat with Harvey. I also see my beautiful friend Heather Halliwell in the audience, and I'm so glad she made it out. I was afraid that seeing so many of her ex-lovers in one location was going to scare her off.
He laughs, grinning at her as he comes over and quickly gives her a hug before pulling away and going back to the podium.
Jonathan Collins: Wulf! Thank you, Wulf, I'm so happy you made it out. For once, you don't have the biggest hair in the room with all these lovely feminine hairstyles. Also, for once, you might not be the drunkest man in the room, since I see Minoru Asano. So if other people have those bases covered for you....why are you here again?
He laughs, quickly getting up and pointing at Jon, shouting "BURRITO!"
Jonathan Collins: HEY! We have people for that tonight too! It's not Dick Morosi or Seth Ericson, but I'll give them credit. They've called some of the biggest and important matches of my career. It's nice to know that they were so good at their jobs, I was able to higher them for next to nothing when we started EXODUS. It's almost as if they were unemployed or something!
Seth quickly screams out "MAKING MINIMUM WAGE!" to Jon, who gets him to laugh, shaking his head.
Jonathan Collins: Darrin Stearns is here, the only man on the dais with so little personality, he makes his computer operated girlfriend look like a ham. Also, I see my tech girl Ginny in the audience, which makes this the first time she's done something actually social that didn't involve Facebook likes. Chris Strike? I feel everything's already been said about you, especially in regards to your infamous relationship with Lady Magdalena. It will be a reminder throughout your entire life, especially when you go to your next doctor's appointment about that growth on your testicle.
The audience laughs, especially Christian Kane.
Jonathan Collins: Why are you laughing, Kane? You're the reason half the girls on the UCSD campus have the clap right now. It's like the farther from the divorce you get, the younger, sluttier, and more likely to have daddy issues they get. At least you're not Justin Brooks, who may be the only man in the audience with bigger tits than his wife.
Speaking of gigantic breasts...hi, honey.
Jonathan starts to grin, turning his head over to Fiona, who just starts laughing.
Jonathan Collins: Now we've had some questions about the legitimacy of my wife's bust. Having married her and having been with her for the past couple of years, I can safely tell you Fiona's breasts are very real. She's been blessed with amazing genetics that have helped her find a second career as my bedtime pillow, but she's very real and I will continue to love her and them as they droop down to where my balls will inevitably be.
But hey, if she wants to give them a lift before my vision kicks out on me, I'm not saying I'd be against that.
The crowd laughs as Fiona jokingly pushes her boobs up as he looks at her.
Jonathan Collins: Fiona, seriously. I love you, thank you for the support, but please know that the little thing you did with your mouth before this roast started still won't help me get you to the front of the line for a World Title shot sooner.
The crowd laughs more as Fiona seems shocked at his accusations, all before she laughs and wipes the corner of her mouth with her finger and smirks as everyone claps.
Jonathan Collins: But...really. All jokes aside, I need to get this out of my system. They say that the truest form of success is when it is not you that acknowledges your success, or the people that critique your job, but your peers. The most sincere form of success I have ever been given comes from the words spoken by my friends, by my family, by the students that have traveled from far and wide because I put my name on a school and on EXODUS Pro. Success, to me, will not be measured by the things I have or have not done, but by the lessons I have learned and the things I have been given in this industry over the past twenty years. This is success at its most pure, and I hope that this feeling never ends.
Over the next few days, we're going to celebrate two years of EXODUS and I'm going to wrestle my final match. I'm not sad about that, you know? I'm hopeful for the future. I believe in the future as it stands now. I believe that I've done a great deal of good and that this world has done a great deal of good for me. I'm not sad it's ending, I'm happy because this all happened. I got to work with great people, I got to meet a woman that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and I got to work with new friends. So really, thank you. Thank you to all of you who spent your hard earned money on this roast, on any EXODUS event, or anything else right now affiliated with our company. It is because of you that I have been able to live comfortably and it is because of you I understand why that damn "Closing Time" song is so emotional. That being said, I'm going to be ridiculous and quote it. I see many of today's current stars in the building. I see many of tomorrow's stars in (R)Evolution Wrestling. Caleb Storm, Sydney Christensen, Aries Reed, Shozo Arino. All of you, whether I said your name or not, you have the potential to shape the future, and it's time for guys like me to let that happen, because every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
And yes, I do know who I want to take me home. Thank you, and good night.
He grins and raises one hand as "Closing Time" by Semisonic plays, Fiona coming up to him and embracing him as the evening comes to an end.