E-Pro Televison Episode #3

Singles Match
Daniel Prophet vs. Carlos Cobelli

David Zinkus: Coming to the ring, weighing in at 185 pounds, hailing from Boston, MA... DANIEL PROPHET!!

City of Angels blares over the loud speaker. Lights go to Prophet's back, where all you can see is the cross. He raises his hand towards the sky and turns around. He takes off his vest, throws backstage and gets into the ring. He climbs onto the turnbuckle and waits. He's got all the time in the world.

Seth Ericson: Prophet for the win!

Dick Morosi: Are you sure?

Seth Ericson: Of course! Did you see how easily he handled Itso last week. He's going to to kill this Pinochet sysmpathiser.

Dick Morosi: Ok.

David Zinkus: And his opponent, hailing from Villa Crespo, Buenos Aires, Argentina and weighing in at 150 pounds... CARLOS COBELLI!!

The slow, luxurious chords of the Buena Vista Social Club hit the arena's PA system, which along with blue and yellow lights heralds the entrance of the self-proclaimed "Greatest Wrestler in Argentine History," Carlos Cobelli.

Matching the pace of his idiosyncratic entrance music, Carlos hardly takes his time walking down the entrance ramp, posing and gesticulating with hardly any concerns for time whatsoever.

Finally, he reaches the ring, climbs the top turnbuckle and, with both hands at his lips, blows a big kiss to a crowd that he believes to be firmly in his corner. They do not reciprocate.

Seth Ericson: Look at Daniel Prophet's size advantage.

Dick Morosi: It's minimal, Seth...

Seth Ericson: Whatever...

The bell rings and the two combatants lock up. Prophet shows his two week extra shows count for something as he quickly takes Cobelli's wrist around his back. But, the years of experience Cobelli brings from South America takes play straight away and he reverses the move. Prophet is clever though, drops to his knees and tosses Cobelli over his shoulder, judo style.

Seth Ericson: Impressive. See I told this was Prophet's week.

Both men are quickly back to their feet. Prophet lunges, and Cobelli ducks and gets behind Daniel. He chop blocks him down and Prophet tumbles to the mat. Cobelli then drops an elbow across the throat of Prophet. He rakes his eyes while he is down on the prone Prophet. Cobelli stands up and kick Prophet in the head. Daniel rolls with the kick. Cobelli charges for another kick, but Prophet is under to roll under the arc of Cobelli's foot. And he connects with the bottom rope. Cobelli holds his leg. This gives Daniel Prophet enough to to shove Cobelli into the ropes and use the momentum to roll him up from behind.

ONE!

TWO!

Dick Morosi: That was a bit ambitious from Prophet there.

Seth Ericson: It was a slow count.

Both men are back to their feet and they tie up again. Cobelli gets the advantage this time and takes Prophets wrist behind him. Cobelli then clubs Prophet into the back of the head with a couple of forearms. He spins Prophet around and send him into the corner with an irish whip. Carlos follows with a running elbow strike right to the point of Daniel's nose. Cobelli then takes Prophet out of the corner with a snap suplex. He rolls over and goes for the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Seth Ericson: C'mon Daniel!!

Carlos Cobelli gets to his feet and quickly hits with standing moonsault. He rolls through and looks to go for another, but this time Prophet gets his knees up and that's all Carlos Cobelli connects with. Prophet stands and grabs Cobelli and sends him through the air a release german suplex. He picks his opponent up off the mat and lifts him and drops him down across his knee.

Seth Ericson: BACKBREAKER! Told you Dick told you.

Prophet stomps on Cobelli as he lays on the mat. Prophet picks Cobelli up off the mat and send him into the ropes with a whip, he nails him with a jumping knee, right as Cobelli gets back to where he is. Cobelli hits he canvas like a sack of potatoes. Prophet looks around and pulls the Argentinian Wonder to his feet. He then sends him crashing into mat with a vicious looking facebuster!!

ONE!

Seth Ericson: YES!

TWO!

Seth Ericson: YES!

Dick Morosi: Kickout!!

Seth Ericson: NOOOOOOOOO!!

Prophet thought he might have that there. But he presses on, Prophet picks Cobelli off the mat. He signals for his finisher.

Seth Ericson: The Alpha is coming, Dick. This one is all over. I told you. I told you.

Prophet gets the first arm, he's got the second. Wait... Cobelli is fighting, he's wriggling. Cobelli has got out of Prophet's grip. He drops to knee. LOW BLOW!! No one saw it. Prophet is doubled over in pain and the referee is asking what happened, Cobelli is feigning ignorance. He grabs Prophet and whips into the ropes, Prophet bounces out of the ropes and Cobelli leapfrogs Prophet as he comes back. EL BOHEMIO!!

As Prophet came back for a second time Cobelli has connect with the El Behemio!!

ONE!!

Seth Ericson: NO!

TWO!!

Seth Ericson: NO!

THREE!

Seth Ericson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Dick Morosi: What happened, Seth?

Seth Ericson: Shutup Dick.

David Zinkus: Your winner, CARLOS COBELLI!!

The cameraman has been allowed to follow for the prematch preparations. And he comes around the corner, finding a huge, bald, darkskinned man who looked to be nearly as wide as he is tall. Shoulders like gigantic boulders. Arms as thick as a fat lady’s thigh. Wearin’ a nice, well-tailored pinstriped suit, a fedora, the jacket still buttoned up. Omar Wise looked damn stylish.

The cameraman pans up to show a door with a brass nameplate on it. “Starmakers Ltd”. The name of Donovan Torment’s “company”. And it swings open without Omar even knocking. Pure undiluted color flows from the door like paint from an overturned bucket. And not just one color. All of the colors, flashing and spiraling crazily. Omar’s eyes widen a little, but he takes a step forward. It’s ever-so-slightly harder for the cameraman to muster the courage, but cover his assignment, he does.

A voice booms out over the din of gabbling humans in a dining room, the random cacophony of musical instruments, a definite tone of the Theremin and what sounds like... a goose honking? In all directions, all that can be seen is an infinite void of blackness, stars of every color imaginable(and some that aren’t) swirling and dancing and grooving and shaking and making sweet monkey-love in the ethereal plane that was the spectral sarcophagus of the Space Pharoah.

Zortalk: “Welcome to my stately pleasure-dome decree, Omar! “

Omar just floats in the vapors, kicking his feet gently. He doesn’t smile, although his neutral, concentrating-on-floating-expression is as close to happy as Exodus Pro has seen Omar without someone being in pain. The cameraman nearly shits himself at the idea that his Steadicam harness is useless.

Omar Wise: “Nice digs, man.”

Zortalk’s throne made of solid crystalline ideas floats out of the darkness, and glides up to Mister Wise. Sitting on the bottom, by Zortalk’s feet, is Donovan Torment. His familiar red jacket is discarded, laying on the steps of creativity at Zortalk’s feet, and Donovan is smoking a hand-rolled Cuban cigar. Very nice.

Zortalk: Do you know what Truth is, compadre?

Omar’s brow furrowed, and he managed to use enough of the antigravity forces acting on his body to execute a magical, perfect front-flip. He lands on Zortalk’s throne, on the steps leading up to the actual chair. A little ways away from Donovan, to be specific. Omar shakes his head, and the cameraman doggypaddles to try to get to the throne.

Omar Wise: Lay it on me.

Zortalk: Truth is Theoretical Realities Unsurpassed Through Hindsight.

Donovan Torment: Of course it is!

Omar just nods sagely, looking out into the fog and the mists of time itself. Zortalk extends a hand, and makes a snatching motion, pulling something from the thin air. Omar looks up... as Zortalk extends the olive branch. An olive branch of a candy bar. Omar accepts it, and tears the papyrus wrapping open.

Omar Wise: Abba Zabba. Boy, you’ve got taste, Pharaoh.

Zortalk: Thousands of lightyears ago, Western man knew that the Earth was the center of the universe, the stars spiralled around him, going in retrograde every now and again as if to mock them.

A shooting star flies by, exploding into mathematics as it crosses through the nighttime sky above San Diego. San Diego in the Quantum Zone. Area code: The Beginning of Time. A gigantic platinum 4 floats by Zortalk’s head, a -1 zooming in to crash into it and transform it into a glittering golden 3.

Omar Wise: And this lightyear, we know that the center of the universe is... what? Th’ asskickin’ you’re gonna lay on the Octopus?

Zortalk: Is a parsec 19.3 million miles? Is Pluto a real planet? Is there LIFE_ON_MARS?

Donovan Torment: Is there a prayer that Jon Collins is gonna get that stick out of his ass? We just don’t know, Omar.
A few moments of blessed silence pass, and in the backround is the audible sound of the color blue. The cameraman is reminded of that time he took acid in college, and just tries to concentrate on shooting the scene. Omar, standing on the steps of Truth. Zortalk, seated on the Throne of Honorificabilitudinitatibus. Donovan Torment, puffing his stank-mouth cigar.


Zortalk: This is truth. I am not familiar with these Terrestrial things you call miles and clicks, b(tasteful censoring)hes and hoes or apples and oranges. But one thing I do know, that I hold dear and deep to my heart is this. No Octopi, No Invertebrate, shall vanquish The Ruler of the finest Silicon sand shores the galaxy has ever seen. No Orange Man will defeat the creator of the premiere space elevator connecting Earth to the robust jade skies of Space Egypt . No MERE_MORTAL shall escape the Curse and live to tell the tale of besmirchment of The Space Pharaoh.

He pauses, balancing his chakra, aligning his aura and regaining his eternal mana mojo go-go juice. Zortalk pulls a staff topped with a zero from the throne of thought, the chair of concepts, the recliner of reality. He smashes it into the ground before him, bringing up a shower of sparks and sparkles, as if someone smashed a golden bar into dust with a mirror.

Zortalk: To put more bluntly. I’ve got to bring the mother(tasteful censoring)king ruckus.

The Space Pharaoh rises from his throne, stepping up onto the cloud of sparkles, and then levitates across the room, cigar smoke swirling and blending with frankincense incense from the smoke shop down the street. It smelt like heaven, salvation, the afterlife or what it might like to be with Prince for a day while recording “Purple Rain”.

Zortalk: And you Omar, Sit. Watch as I introduce Orange Octopus to the multiple theoretical realities that dictate how the planet dips, dives, rotates, spins, swivels and dips again to make one of these human Earth days complete its revolution.

Omar Wise: And the reality where you put ‘im in th’ Camel Clutch like you did Brooks?

Zortalk: Correctamundo Wise, Correctamundo.

Omar Wise: That’s a good reality. Do it up.

He steps down to the terrestrial plane of existence. Gravitons and the Higgs Boson particles greet him with great respect and honor. Zortalk looks back.

Zortalk: It’s already done.

With a flash of light, a puff of smoke and bit of leftover fireworks from New Years, he was gone. Omar takes a bite from his Abba Zabba, stretching the taffy to tear a chunk out.

Omar Wise: Hope he doesn’t put that Octopus fool into a fifth dimension. I wanna see ‘im unmask.

Cut back to the ring for the next match, as the fans rise to their feet with their signs again.

Cut to Daniel Prophet. A dark Alley. Prophet is shadowboxing, a brick wall in the background.

He whispers under his breath.

Daniel Prophet: Gotta win. Gonna win. Did good. Come on Prophet com o-

A finger from the darkness reaches out and taps him on the shoulder. he turns around.

Daniel Prophet: What are you-

A fist smacks him right in the face. The camera goes down. It lays on the road. All you can see is the pavement and the sounds of Daniel getting ruthlessly beaten.

The sound of ambulances as we fade to commercial.

Winter Road Tournament Block B
Johnny Cannon (w/ Quinn Goodrich, 0-1) vs. Daisuke Iwakuma (0-1)

David Zinkus: Coming to the ring, from London England, weighing in at 226 pounds, and accompanied by Quinn Goodrich... JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNY CANNNNNNNNNNOOOOOONNNN!!!

The arena is suddenly greeted by the sounds of “Dirty Angel” by Voodoo Johnson which plays loudly through the sound system, signalling the emergence of Johnny Cannon. The aforementioned Brit pushes through the curtain cloth at the top of the entryway, spoiling for a fight, like any good British fighter. He wears a black track jacket, emblazoned with “JOHNNY CANNON” on the front and “SUPERSTAR”on the back, centered inside of a giant yellow star. Behind him is his manager Quinton Goodrich, who taunts the fans, causing them to pour out their hatred. Afterward he walks alongside Cannon, whispering some late-prematch tactics and strategies. It is doubtful that Johnny is even listening though, as he stares straight ahead with eyes hidden behind expensive shades, with an arrogant smirk etched on his face. 

"I should have known it wasn't my run.
Shook my head & made my way home.
When I turned and laid my eyes on the dirty angel with a broken halo.
Spirits led me to thee other side.
Took my hand before I realized.
Just one glance and I was tied to the dirty angel with a broken a halo."

With Goodrich following suit, Cannon continues his slow walk to the ring, ignoring the fans on either side of him, simply failing to acknowledge them as they slap his arms and torso. Simply staring forward, he makes his way up the steel stairs; he walks along the apron, and stops in the middle, before turning and leaning on the ropes. Goodrich pulls a camera from his pocket, and begins taking snapshots of Cannon, who holds the pose. 

From there he steps into the ring, and walks to the nearest turnbuckle, slowly removing his jacket before stretching. Having finished limbering up, he removes his shades, handing them to Goodrich before waiting for his opponent.

David Zinkus: And his opponent from Koto, Japan, weighing in at 234 pounds, Daisuke Iwakumaaaaaaaaa!

The lights in the area dim as the opening sounds of The Glitch Mob's remix of "Breathe" by The Prodigy begins.



As the song builds to a crescendo for an explosion, lights immediately flash out by the entrance. Stepping out from the back in his traditional Japanese attire is Daisuke Iwakuma. Walking slowly down to the ring similar to the beat of the song, he accepts the jeers of the crowd while walking down and showing nothing but pure disdain. As the chorus begins, he hops up to the ring apron and steps in. Going to a corner, he immediately extends his arms out and looks to the crowd before accepting the boos and hopping down to wait for the match to begin.

Seth Ericson: This could be tough match up. Both men are really going to need the win going into this match.

Dick Morosi: Both men are methodical and deadly in the ring too.

DING

The bell rings are both men circle each other trying to work out each other weaknesses. Anticipating the exact right moment to strike. Cannon lunges to fake Daisuke out, but he does nothing as the the circling continues. The Alpha Males fighting to lead the pride. Daisuke fakes Johnny out this time. Both men stop and stare at each other for a moment and the song and dance begins again. Johnny fakes, and then attacks and tackles Daisuke to the mat. He follows with a series of brutal elbow strikes to Daisuke's face. Daisuke covers up, which makes Cannon get up. He lays a parting boot to the ribs of Iwakuma as he allows him to get to his feet.

Seth Ericson: The Englishman gets an early advantage.

Their strange ritual begins again, with both men circling, searching for the moment of weakness in their opponent, looking to strike and tear their larynx from their throat. Daisuke attacks this time with a wicked flash kick to the ribs which forces Cannon to wince and cover up. This allows a second kick to the exposed ribs. And Cannon is in trouble. Daisuke surges forward and grabs Cannon by the head and drives his knee right into the bridge of Cannon's nose. The ricochet sends Cannon crashing to the mat. Daisuke takes the moment to gloat about his superiority to the crowd. That moment is enough to allow Cannon to regain his senses. As Daisuke turns around to continue his assault, Cannon launches with an uppercut right to the point of his jaw.

Dick Morosi: OUCH!

Cannon takes his momentum and wraps his arms around Daisuke and brings him to the mat with a cutter type move. Cannon runs to the corner, jumps up to the second turnbuckle and springs back out and connect with a knee to the top of Daisuke's head. He rolls the man from Japan over and goes for the cover.

ONE!!

TWO!!

Seth Ericson: Daisuke kicks out.

Dick Morosi: Goodrich is yelling from the outside that should have been a three count. Cannon continues his mission and grabs Iwakuma, he drags him to the corner by his hair, and climbs backwards up the turnbuckles. Daisuke Iwakuma counters by throwing Cannon into the centre of the ring over his head. Daisuke then climbs the turnbuckles and waits for Johnny Cannon to get up, at the precise moment that English kick boxer has regained his vertical base, Iwakuma launches at him and connects with a torpedo head butt right into his midsection. Cannon buckles in half and Daisuke stands lifting Cannon onto his shoulders, with his head near his ass and facing down. Iwakuma wraps his arm around Cannon's head and runs across the ring. He jumps and send Cannon's head crashing into the mat.

ONE!!!


TWO!!!!

Dick Morosi: Quinn Goodrich is up on the apron, creating a distraction. Daisuke sees him.

Seth Ericson: Iwakuma breaks his count and goes straight to Goodrich.

Dick Morosi: Iwakuma brings Goodrich into the ring the hard way.

Seth Ericson: DEAD SPACE!!

Dick Morosi: HOLY COW! Quinn Goodrich is out of it. Daisuke Iwakuma just nailed him with the Dead Space and now he is rolling his carcass out of the ring.

Seth Ericson: But it has given Cannon enough time to recover.

Daisuke turns around to find his opponent. But, Cannon is already waiting for him. He strikes with a jumping front kick straight into the chest of Daisuke. Cannon follows up with a snap suplex on his opponent, he holds on and rolls through with the move and connects with a second snap suplex. Cannon rolls over and lifts Daisuke to the mat. He sends him into corner and follows, he leaps high and drives a knee straight into the chest of his opponent, Iwakuma staggers out of the corner, and Cannon sneaks in behind him and locks in a waist lock.

Dick Morosi: HOLY COW!!

Seth Ericson: WHOA! Johnny Cannon just drilled Daisuke with a German suplex, but as he released Daisuke, his head and neck went slamming into the turnbuckles.

Dick Morosi: Cannon with the cover.

ONE!!

TWO!!

Seth Ericson: Oh! Daisuke was caught up on the ropes after the impact and the referee has spotted it and ended the count.

Cannon growls in frustration and climbs the turnbuckles. He jumps off and nails Daisuke with a dead double stomp. Cannon doesn't even bother with a cover, he instead pulls Iwakuma to his feet and whips him to the far corner, but a disoriented Daisuke manages to reverse and sends Cannon into the corner instead, but he can't follow up and collapses on the mat. Cannon hits the pads and watches his prey the way a house cat stalks a blue wren. Cannon waits for Daisuke to start to get up and runs in, he goes for a penalty kick to Daisuke's face but Iwakuma grabs his foot and flips him onto his back. Iwakuma holds onto Cannon's foot and twists with an Achilles hold. Cannon struggles and struggles. Iwakuma lets the hold go and walks away. He surveys Cannon on the canvas holding his ankle. Iwakuma calmly walks over to Cannon and kicks him in the thigh which forces him to drops his ankle. Iwakuma then grabs hold of the ankle and drives his knee into it, jamming it into the canvas. Iwakuma smiles. He maintains his vice like grip on the ankle and drives a knee into it again. Cannon yelps, but Iwakuma doesn't let up. He throws the ankle to the canvas and then jumps on Cannon's ankle.

Dick Morosi: Look Iwakuma has decided that the ankle is Cannon's weakness.

Iwakuma drags Cannon to the ropes by his injured ankle. He lays the leg on the ropes and proceeds to bounce on the ankle. His pulled away by the referee, but immediately returns to the leg. He grabs the ankle and twists and then steps back towards Cannon's head putting pressure on the whole leg. He also takes the opportunity to stomp on the Englishman’s face. Iwakuma lets go of the leg and drops his whole weight through his knee into the head of Cannon.

Dick Morosi: Daisuke is really starting to take control here.

Seth Ericson: BAH!

Dick Morosi: It's smart. By targeting the leg he is taking away a lot of the kicking power of Johnny Cannon.

Iwakuma lifts Cannon to his feet. Cannon is barely able to hold his weight on his sore leg, so he is supporting everything on his good leg. Daisuke Iwakuma SLAPS him in the ultimate sign of disrespect. You can see the rage grow in Cannon's eyes. But Iwakuma kicks his knee out from under him and grabs him in a headlock as he falls and takes his weight down with him in a DDT and covers.

ONE!!

TWO!!

Dick Morosi: Cannon gets his shoulder up.

Iwakuma grins rather sickly. He grabs Cannon hands and stomps it, before lifting him up off the mat. He brings Cannon back to the vertical axis. He SLAPS him again, Cannon tries to charge with his limp. But Daisuke is ready and he grabs him around the throat and drives Cannon backwards into the mat with a leg sweep. Daisuke returns his attention to Cannon's ankle twisting it this way and twisting that way. He bends the ankle over his forearm and locks the foot with his hand before jumping into the air and landing on the mat on his belly and driving his head into Cannon's midsection.

He stands up and and drops an elbow onto Cannon before heading to the turnbuckles. He climbs to the top turnbuckle.

Dick Morosi: Quinn GOODRICH!!

Seth Ericson: Goodrich has recovered from that earlier blow enough to shove Daisuke off the top rope. Daisuke crashes into the mat face first.

Dick Morosi: And Cannon is on the move.

Cannon stands and Daisuke is slowly gathering his senses. Cannon uppercuts him and then nails him with a couple of quick jabs all while hobbling on one leg. He locks his arm around Daisuke and positions him in the fisherman's grip

Seth Ericson: CANNON DRIVER ONE!!!

Dick Morosi: OH EM GEE!! Daisuke was in control and Quinn Goodrich had enough wits to help his client even he is still nursing a sore head on the outside

ONE!!

Seth Ericson: This looks like Cannon's night.

TWO!!

Dick Morosi: Daisuke is not moving. WHAT A TURN AROUND!!

THREE!!!

Seth Ericson: Johnny Cannon did it. He won!!

David Zinkus: And your winner, by way of pinfall, JOHHHHHHHHHNNNNYYY CAANNNNNNNOOOONNNN!!!

Dick Morosi: Neither man in this match is a fan favorite, but I think both got a little bit of respect with this hard hitting match tonight! And with that, Iwakuma is out of contention, and Johnny Cannon goes to the next show still alive!

Winner: Johnny Cannon

Seth Ericson: Cannon's great! Love that guy!

Dick Morosi: Fans, we've got a big announcement up next; we'll be joined by EXODUS Pro owner, Rufus Frost! We'll be right back.

We cut backstage and Tom Matheny is standing tall with EXODUS Pro International Champion Fiona Rourke! In her new cloak and wrestling gear, Rourke is all smiles.

Tom Matheny: We're backstage live here with Fiona Rourke, who can put herself in the driver's seat of Block B this week of the Winter Road when she faces Abby Park later tonight. Fiona, you overcame a difficult challenge last week in Johnny Cannon, can you do it again?

Fiona Rourke: Last week was definitely that, Tom. It was a challenge but as everyone can see, I came out on top again and I know for sure that this week won’t be any different. I plan on coming out on top once again.

Tom Matheny: You know, people are talking about the huge Twitter argument you had with Kliff Ulysses on Saturday. How do you intend on dealing with "The Humanoid Typhoon" when you have Park tonight and Daisuke Iwakuma in two weeks?

Fiona Rourke: Kliff is nothing but hot air, Tom. He likes to walk around here and act like he's the best but he's not that great, sorry to say. I plan on dealing with Park tonight, Iwakuma and then Kliff. He doesn't scare me and I know I can handle him.

Tom Matheny: Sounds like some big words from the innovator of "#BadgerStyle"...

Fiona Rourke: *looks over at him* Badger Style? Really, Tom? This isn't that hilarious YouTube video with dancing badgers and mushrooms. It's #HoneyBadgerStyle. *points to her shirt, smirking* Available at the merch stands now!

As she laughs, the mood is interrupted with the quick thump of someth---no, someone at her feet. As she looks down, it's the unconscious body of her old tag team partner and friend, Jimmy Riley. As she looks up, there stands Daisuke Iwakuma, smirking.

Daisuke Iwakuma: Two weeks. For the next two weeks, I'm going to take everything that you love and hold dear. For the next two weeks, I am going to make your life hell. From this silly man, Jimmy Riley...to that gypsy filth you call a roommate.

Fiona gasps softly in shock as she stares down at Jimmy’s unconscious body then kneels down, her hands checking around his head and to make sure he was still breathing before she snaps her head at Daisuke and stands up, hands balled into fists.

Fiona Rourke: If you lay one hand on my friends and my roommates, I’m going to make sure you end up in a bloody body bag, so help me God. *steps closer, jaw tight and eyes narrowing as she shoots daggers up into his face*

Daisuke Iwakuma: *folding his arms and smirks* Then I guess you better find a way to stop me, honey badger.

Fiona Rourke: Oh don't worry, I will gladly find a way and destroy you with it. It would be my honor to rip you to shreds, Iwakuma-me. *smirks, leaning forward towards him*

Daisuke Iwakuma: Then you're already dead. I anticipate striking you down.

With that, Daisuke walks off calmly, leaving Fiona glaring as we cut back to ringside.

Singles Match
"The Space Pharaoh" Zortalk (w/ Donovan Torment) vs. Orange Octopus

Dick Morosi: One of our more interesting matchups here next, after that absolute chaos we just witnessed.

Seth Ericson: Jonathan Collins has pissed off the wrong man, Dick. Kliff Ulysses was ALREADY obsessed with him, and now it's worse than ever! But nevermind that right now, we've got THE SPACE PHARAOH!

A gaggle of marichis stampede out from the backstage area, lifting their brass instruments. As orange spotlights flash all over the entryway ramp, the marichis meet their mikes and begin to play. And what could they possibly play aside from the Mexican Hat Dance?

Dick Morosi: It looks like we're going to get to see the debut of the Space Pharoah before we see the unmasking of the Octopus.

Seth Ericson: I kinda wanted to see the dude wrestle without the mask. Dang.

And through the curtains explodes the Orange Octopus! His foam-rubber tentacles flail, and Captain Cephalopod strikes a mighty pose on the entryway ramp, his two strongest tentacles planting firmly on his hips. He is Keuppia-El, last son of a dying race of molluscs. As their planet exploded, they sent their only offspring to this planet. Where he threw the fine earth ladies that dick.

And as he marches down the entryway ramp, knees pumping high, tentacles jabbing at the ring, his mariachi followers do their thing, rockin' and rollin' the stage. The Octopus gets distracted on the way down, slapping hands with his goopy limbs. And that's when the house lights go out.

“Oh Yeah” by Yello begins to play. And when I say it begins to play, I mean it's playing from the very air. Each person in the audience has been possessed by the ghosts of a thousand mummies, and their throats have all been harnessed into one fleshy boombox.

“THE MOON. BEAUTIFUL. SO BEAUTIFUL. EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL.”

Psychadelic technicolor rainbow strobes flash from up, from down, left and right. And the King of Time and Space, the Infinite Emperor of the Cosmos, floats down to the ring from the rafters. He throws handfuls of scrolls into the audience from a big canvas sack, each of them an ancient spell for the happiness of the reign of the Zortalk dynasty of Space Egypt.

The Orange Octopus watches in disgust from ringside. He wasn't told he could use reality-shifting superpowers and special effects in his entrance. As Zortalk lands gingerly in the ring, the Octopus dives into his reef. It was like being his yard, except underwater. And he pops to his feet, the two men stare one another down.

Seth Ericson: I don't know where you got this weed, but that was amazing.

Dick Morosi: Would you stop?

Seth Ericson: Seriously, my third eye has opened.

The Orange Octopus jumps up and down, stamping his feet angrily. It makes his eight appendages bounce madly, and Zortalk just removes his Crown of Authority, handing it off to the referee. His eyes are hard, and he stares down the Cephalopod. Octopus lunges forward, flailing with one tentacle in a brutal octoslap!

Dick Morosi: I think this thing is finally gonna start being serious!

Or not. Octopus's slap barely moves Zortalk's face. The Space Pharoah reaches out and gives the Octopus a bop directly in the face. Octopus' face stays bopped inward, the padded helmet resisting the blow but the mask failing to. Octopus flails his two strongest limbs in panic, then rushes forward, his injection-molded carapace knocking the Space Pharoah down!

Seth Ericson: This is the worst display of technical ability I have ever seen!

Octopus drops onto Zortalk immediately, hooking a tight headlock on with his right tentacle! His suckers clamp into Zortalk's flesh, adhering perfectly to the glorious visage of the Sun God made flesh. Zortalk's fists pound on the mat, and he tries to roll over, but the Nautiloid had two sucker-covered, booted feet planted firmly into the mat, his tentacles bracing on the other side! How could Tutankhoolen possibly escape?!

Dick Morosi: Say, what kind of Octopus is the Orange Octopus supposed to be?

Seth Ericson: Ooh, I hope he really is a glass octopus! They're see-through!

Dick Morosi: He's a side headlockopus right now!

The headlock cinches in tight, the tentacle slipping tighter and tighter around Zortalk's head! It encircles Zortalk's skull again and again, putting squeezing/crushing pressure on the eighth-dimensional man's head! But Zortalk wouldn't go down so easy, and forces a knee under himself! Then the other! His feet push off, and he bodily LIFTS the Orange Octopus off the ground!

Seth Ericson: Zortalk's gonna go on a space rampage!

Zortalk shoves Octopus off, into the air, only to kick his feet up, doubling his knees up and grabbing the Octopus's mask! With both knees planted in Octopus' chest, the Molluscan can't help but come crashing down onto the anvil-shaped Pharoah!

Dick Morosi: WICKED Lungblower! Octopus is down!

Zortalk pops up, rushing across the ring and running straight up the ringropes! Once perched on the top, Zortalk smoothly turns around, crouches with perfect balance, and LEAPS right off the top! The rising Octopus looks up, his omnipresent maniac grin being impacted by a flying clothesline! The two men go down!

Seth Ericson: LOOK AT ZORTALK!

But the Space Pharoah nimbly plants both hands and hops back to his feet, arms shooting out to either side!

Dick Morosi: Know who's missing?

Seth Ericson: If you say his name, he'll show up!

Dick Morosi: Good point. I-

“HOLD ON, I AM NOT A CERTIFIED MANAGER IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA FOR NOTHING!” screams a bullhorn. A man in a super-bright red jacket and electric yellow trousers comes running down the ring-ramp, his E-Pro baseball cap fluttering on his head. Octopus and Zortalk both look up to where Donovan Torment was running, as the boos come crashing in.

Octopus glances over to Zortalk, noticing the Space Pharoah's distraction. Octopus launches into his most impressive move of all... THE OCTORNADO! All eight limbs splayed out around him, the Orange Octopus flies into Zortalk, spinning madly as he does! Zortalk doesn't even see it coming, and the flurry of jointless limbs and thrashing tentacle slaps knocks him dizzy!

Donovan Torment: “NO! ZORTALK, GET UP!”

The Octopus dives on Zortalk, hooking a leg. The ref dives in.

“ONE! TWO! THR-”

Seth Ericson: Zortalk kicks out!

Zortalk not only kicks out, but hooks onto one of those tentacles, twisting it into a BRUTAL hammerlock!

Orange Octopus glances back at Zortalk. That's one of the thin tentacles. He takes a moment. And the crouches, going “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”, two other tentacles clutching at his mangled, twisted tentacle! Oh, the pain!

Dick Morosi: Uh... Tentaclelock! I think!

Octopus twists, grabbing at Zortalk's head, but the Space Pharoah ducks the clumsy lockup, grabs another of Octopus' tentacles by the... tentawrist, and drags that one up and behind!

Seth Ericson: THERE we go! That's the one! Zortalk with a REAL hammerlock!

And Zortalk catches the attempted back elbow, slips an arm up and hooks the half nelson!

AND ZORTALK POPS THE HIPS, SHOOTING ORANGE OCTOPUS OVERHEAD!

Dick Morosi: HALF NELSON HAMMERLOCK GERMAN! BAH GAWD!

Seth Ericson: THAT MOVE JUST KNOCKED DICK OKLAHOMAN!

But Zortalk isn't done there! With Octopus still hooked, he rolled over, landing the Octopus on his face... And Zortalk's arms twist their respective holds into chickenwings! The Space Pharoah rolls forward, bridging!

Seth Ericson: WE ALL KNOW THAT'S THE CATTLE MUTILATION!

Dick Morosi: WILL THE OCTOPUS TAP?!

Zortalk cranks away on it, but Octopus can barely move from the tentapain! Tentacruel tentapain! Zortalk holds it on, and tight, but Octopus is unwilling, or unable to tap! Eventually, the Space Pharoah snarls and breaks the hold, rolling free to come to his feet. He grabs a double handful of foam rubber, and Octopus rises, shaking out his tentacles. Zortalk is quick to rush in, twisting an arm, hooking it between Octopus' own legs(And holding it in place with one of Zortalk's own stalks), and grab the other arm!

Dick Morosi: ZORTALK'S GOING FOR THE OCTOPUS STRETCH!

Seth Ericson: WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE TO THE ORANGE OCTOPUS!

And Octopus knows it! He twists, dumping Zortalk out of the Octopus Stretch, and Octopus backpedals, getting some distance from Zortalk...

Dick Morosi: OCTOPUS ROARING ELBOW!

Seth Ericson: THE SPACE PHAROAH'S NOT GOIN' DOWN!

The bearded warrior from Space Egypt roars, clenching his fists and sinking his heels into the mat! Zortalk springs off, rushing forward and quickly spinning as he did so! EGYPTIAN ROARING ELBOW!

Dick Morosi: ZORTALK'S TRASHED THE MASK!

Seth Ericson: OCTOPUS IS RALLYING!

Octopus shook his tentacles in the air, then rushed forward with a simple straight lunging elbow! CRASH to Zortalk's face! Zortalk fires off one of his own! THEN ANOTHER! THEN ANOTHER! THEN A FOURTH! Octopus wobbles, and Zortalk leaps into the air, hooking a flying front headlock onto the Octopus! Zortalk kicks his legs through, and spins while he's at it!

Dick Morosi: TORNADO DDT!

Seth Ericson: DON'T BE A MONOLITH!

Zortalk plants the Octopus, and pops back to his feet, howling out loud as he does. At ringside, Donovan Torment is howling for Zortalk to pin the Octopus, but Zortalk has other plans. He goes to the turnbuckle, ascending the heights to come up to the top.

Dick Morosi: It looks like we're going to see Deep Space Pharoah Nine in a moment!

And Zortalk crouches... LEAPS...

“OOOOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

Zortalk flies through the air with the greatest of ease... And the Octopus rolls out of the way! Zortalk has nothing below him but mat! WHAM goes the Space Pharoah!

”RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” goes the crowd! Orange Octopus comes to his feet, and Zortalk, already sitting up with his arms wrapped around his ribs, was quickly pulled to his feet by the suckers! Octopus hooks the chest!

Dick Morosi: OCTOPLEX!

Seth Ericson: No funny punctuation?

KERWHAM goes the Space Pharoah! And this time, it's the Orange Octopus pointing to the top ropes!

”OCTO-BUTT! OCTO-BUTT! OCTO-BUTT!”

Octopus goes up! Standing on the top rope, he thrashes his tentacles, working himself into an hemocyanin-rage! He crouches and fires off a jet of water to propel himself even quicker from his contractile mantle, shooting into the water column! Zortalk is flat-out, and the Orange One comes flying down, cephalic cortex coming crashing down...

Seth Ericson: ZORTALK WITH THE FEET UP!

Octopus goes flying backwards, knocked for a loop! The Space Pharoah comes flying up after the Octopus, grabbing him before he even falls! Zortalk shoves the head under his arm, grabs the tights, and lifts Octopus into the air! Octopus' feet kick and thrash! Zortalk is gonna drop him for the All Systems A-Go-Go!

Dick Morosi: OCTOPUS WITH THE INK!

A blast of black ink scores the air, splattering Zortalk's face! His eyes shoot shot, and Zortalk drops the Octopus! Octopus hooks Zortalk as he falls, rolling in mid-air!

Seth Ericson: INVERTIBRATE FLEXIBILITY! SCHOOLBOY! SCHOOLBOY!

Octopus has Zortalk for the rollup!

”ONE! TWO! THREE!”

Dick Morosi: ZORTALK WITH THE KICKOUT JUST AFTER! OCTOPUS WINS! OCTOPUS WINS!

Seth Ericson: ZORTALK WAS ROBBED!

Dick Morosi: A big win for the Orange Octopus, but when he gets backstage...that mask has to come off!

Seth Ericson: Good! He needs a comedown after that win!

Dick Morosi: That, fans...is next!

Winter Road Tournament Match
Fiona Rourke (1-0) vs. Abby Park (1-0)

I know it's hard but
You've gotta deal with it
Why don't you turn around
Show me what you're made of

As the music begins, the lights in the arena dim, save for a spotlight shining on a lone figure staring down towards the ring. Abby Park remains motionless as the crowd gives her a mixed reaction, the boos overpowering the scattered cheers and applause.

I know you tried so hard but you can't even win
You gotta try a little harder, you're the comeback kid

As if spurred into action, Abby gives herself an encouraging slap to the face and shoots her hand into the air in a fist. The music slows in temp in stark contrast to Abby who sprints down the ramp and slides into the ring, staying in a prone position as the lights in the arena come up.

David Zinkus: Coming down the aisle, from Nashville, Tennessee...ABBY PARK!

I know it's hard but
You've gotta deal with it
Why don't you turn around
Show me what you're made of

She gets to her feet and walks towards a corner, her face showing her unease at the match to come. Abby pulls off her t-shirt to reveal her in-ring attire and as her music cuts, she tosses the shirt to a stage hand.

The lights in the arena start to dim while the opening synth sounds of "Electric Forest" by I See Stars & Cassadee Pope starts to play. Finally, as the song builds up to the heavy drums and vocal scream, there's a gigantic flash on stage with the lights, showing the silhouette of Fiona Rourke!



The lights dim down again to complete blackness as the vocals die down and go back to strictly drum and synth. Finally, simple tiny purple and white lights start to flash.



As if on cue, white lights flash on and off around her, all while Rourke starts walking to the ring.

David Zinkus: From Portlandia! She weighs in at 135 pounds of kinetic energy....THE STRONG STYLE PIXIE, FIONA ROURKE!



Rourke continues to walk down the ramp and aisle, starting to slap hands with the fans, looking determined. Sliding into the ring, she removes the hood from her cloak off her head and points to the sky, looking to the sky as the crowd cheers for the young woman. Stepping over to one of the corners, she climbs the turnbuckle and makes the same pose, waiting for a bigger reaction. Finally, she steps down and waits for the ref to check her as she waits for her opponent.

Dick Morosi: This match is going to be one of the most important in Block B. The winner clinches a spot in the semis, and the loser goes on next week to fight for their championship lives!

Seth Ericson: Do you know why this match is gonna be good? These two have been sniping at one another for a couple of weeks now and nothing says fun like watching two girls smack each other up over gossip!

Park and Rourke stare each other down for a moment before senior referee Brian Lowery calls for the bell. The two begin to lock up, Fiona getting an advantage for a moment, backing her into the corner. Lowery starts making the count to break it up, and Fiona backs out for a moment, holding her hands up to show she's not about to pull a fast one. Park narrows her eyes at her before stepping out and waiting to lock up again. This time, Park gets an advantage and starts backing her toward the corner, but Fiona's slight size advantage helps keep it more toward a neutral state. Park immediately grabs her and sinches in a headlock, but Fiona pushes her off toward the ropes. Park rebounds and Fiona hits the ground to duck a clothesline, putting her feet up to catch Abby again on another rebound for a monkey flip, but Park dives over, rolls back on to her feet, and charges in as Fiona gets to her own. Fiona meets her with an armdrag and comes closer to take the advantage, but Abby gets an armdrag of her own, and as the two hit their feet again, the crowd gives them both polite applause!

Dick Morosi: Interesting start to this match! Neither of them could claim advantage.

Seth Ericson: YAWN! Wake me up when there's hair pulling and name calling. This won't start until someone's taking off their earrings.

Fiona gives her a grin and nods her head, and the two once again square off in a collar & elbow tie up, and Park gets the advantage again, whipping Rourke to the ropes this time. Rourke leapfrogs her, bounces back off the ropes after flipping forward to go for the handspring elbow, but Park hits the ground to duck, leaving Fiona to flip over her and go back toward the ropes. Fiona dives back in for a low dropkick, but Park rolls out of the way. As soon as Fiona sits up, Park bumrushes her with a HUGE knee! Fiona hits the ground, leaving Park with the advantage. She pulls Fiona up by the hair and starts giving her repeated palm strikes, backing Fiona into the corner. As soon as she's comfortable with it, Park backs up and starts charging in, but Fiona gets her legs up, swings through the ropes, and lifts herself up with the ropes to kick Park! Park stumbles back groggy as Fiona swings back into the ring, hops up on the second turnbuckle, and leaps off to give her a hurricanrana!

Dick Morosi: And THAT is why Fiona Rourke is International Champion!

Seth Ericson: I'm not impressed. Where's their friends to help hold them back?

Fiona pumps her fist, feeling it. She starts looking to put things away early, charging forward to deliver a running shooting star press from a standing position, but Park rolls out of the way and Rourke eats canvas. Fiona gets to a knee reeling, and Park lands a short arm lariat that sends Rourke back down. She immediately goes for the cover...

One...

Two...

KICKOUT!

Park looks upset, shaking her head at the referee before going back on the offensive. Grabbing Fiona's arms, she pulls them back as she places a knee in the middle of Rourke's back, leaving her in pain as Lowery checks to see if she wants to submit. When Rourke shakes her head, Park gets upset and lets go of the hold before getting up to stomp on Fiona's back a few times.

Dick Morosi: Abby Park is looking frustrated here with Rourke's tenacity.

Seth Ericson: All jokes aside, Fiona's taken her share of lumps these past few weeks from bigger opponents, so why would she cave in so easily now?

Park starts relentlessly kicking at Fiona before picking her up and whipping her toward the corner. Charging in with a lariat, Fiona hits the ground, sitting in the corner before Park backs up and runs in, charging with a knee to Rourke's face. Dragging her out of the corner, she immediately goes for the cover.

One...

TWO...

KICKOUT!

Park slams her hand on the mat in frustration as she starts sitting Fiona up. Kicking her back a couple of times, she starts to back up before running forward and delivering a gigantic kick to the back. Fiona is in pain and starts rolling out of the ring, leaving Park in the ring as Lowery counts. He gets to about three before Park slides out and decides to take matters into her own hands, grabbing Rourke and getting her to her feet. After a couple of chops to the chest, she grabs Fiona and starts to whip her towards one of the posts...but Fiona reverses and Park hits the ground!

Dick Morosi: Impressive reversal by Rourke! She's trying to by herself some recovery time!

Seth Ericson: Recover all you want, it won't mean anything if you both lose!

Rourke goes over to Park, picking her up. Getting her to her feet, she starts to get her back to the ring, leaving her on the apron before Fiona hops up on there herself and gets back into the ring. Fiona takes a couple of steps back before delivering a baseball slide to Park's back, leaving her out on the arena floor! Fiona starts to take a moment to tend to her back before getting the crowd behind her. As Park gets back to her feet, Fiona runs toward her and leaps over the ropes for a HUGE plancha! Park hits the mat again and Fiona is firmly in the driver's seat!

Dick Morosi: The International Champion is hitting her stride!

Seth Ericson: Have you seen her matches? This won't last long. On top of that, Abby Park is delivering her best performance in an EXODUS Pro ring!

Fiona starts grinning as she picks up Abby and hoists her up, going for a backdrop driver, but Park flips out of it, spins Rourke around, and goes for an elbow...but Rourke blocks it and delivers a rolling elbow of her own! She's nodding as she gets Park to a knee before...SUPERKICK! Fiona's starting to feel the momentum shifting into her favor, taking another step back...SHINING WIZARD! This crowd is starting to believe once more in the International Champion!

FI-O-NA!

FI-O-NA!

Rourke throws her back into the ring, and she starts looking out at the crowd before climing the ropes...FLIPPY DOOHICKY CONNECTS! Fiona makes the cover!

ONE...

TWO...

KICKOUT BY PARK! FIONA IS IN SHOCK!

Dick Morosi: If you want tenacity, if you want fighting spirit, you're getting it tonight in Abby Park!

Seth Ericson: This chick is awesome! She just totally denied Fiona of a win!

Fiona quickly gets her back to her feet, whipping her into the ropes. She grabs Abby on the rebound, looking for the Oz-O-Matic, but Abby blocks it with delivering elbows to Rourke's face before turning around and dropping Fiona with a STO! Park finally has her down...NASHVILLE SHORES! Park is nodding, she's liking where this is going! Park thinks the tide has shifted, and she picks up Fiona whipping her back to the corner! Fiona stumbles out and Park lifts her up, looking for The Cropduster...but Fiona wiggles out...SITOUT JAWBREAKER! Fiona has Park down and she's pointing to the corner! The crowd knows what's coming next! She climbs the ropes...EXPECTO PATRO--NO! PARK ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! FIONA EATS CANVAS AGAIN! Both competitors are down and Brian Lowery begins the count!

One...two...three...four...

Five...six...seven...

Park is on her feet...

Eight...nine...AND FIONA GETS TO HER FEET JUST BEFORE TEN!

Dick Morosi: Can you believe it?! Both of these girls are leaving it in the ring tonight!

Seth Ericson: And hopefully one will leave their number with me when this is over!

Park looks at her with fire in her eyes and Rourke is telling her to bring it, and the two charge in with both guns blazing! The two of them trade chops, before Park delivers two back to back! She starts going for a double slap, but Fiona ducks and unleashes a fury of chops of her own before backing up, turning around and...SUPE--NO! Park catches the leg for the superkick, tossing it aside before Fiona fully turns...DRAGON WHIP! She looks psyched, but Park gets back up to her feet very quickly! She whips Park to the ropes, but Park reverses...Rourke jumps to the middle ropes and comes off...HOGWART'S EXPRESS! She quickly drapes an arm over Park.

ONE...

TWO...

THREE! PARK GETS HER SHOULDER UP JUST AFTER THE PIN IS MADE! SHE WAS A FRACTION OF A SECOND TOO LATE!

Dick Morosi: WHAT A MATCH! If you didn't think Fiona Rourke deserved to be International Champ, she proved it tonight...and if you didn't think Abby Park deserved her spot in the Winter Road tournament...you were proven wrong!

Seth Ericson: The thing we're glossing over is that Rourke has clinched her spot in the semi-finals and seemingly has a date with destiny in two weeks with Daisuke Iwakuma! A win over Iwakuma has her win the block! Hey...what's going on in the ring?

"Electric Forest" continues to play as Park gets to her feet and Fiona rests in the corner, recovering from the match. The two of them look at one another, and it looks like the two of them are mouthing a couple of things. Finally, after Brian Lowery hands her the EXODUS Pro International Title, Rourke meets her in the center of the ring, extending her hand. Park looks at her very cautiously...but she shakes her hand! It's quick and Park pulls away, but Fiona nods and tells her they'll do this again soon. Park leaves the ring and Fiona raises her belt to the sky, the crowd cheering for their champion!

Winner: Fiona Rourke