Post by LAZERADE! on Oct 10, 2015 7:26:47 GMT -6
The screen goes to black. After a moment or two of silence, there's an exaggerated explosion in the middle of the screen. As the smoke clears, LAZERADE! Presents: is written across the screen in block letters. Underneath, a small circle of white is located, and a chibi cartoon of Cassius Reed suddenly pops up into it, clutching a cartoon bottle of LAZERADE!
Chibi Cassius: Starring Cassius Reed, bitches!
The screen cross fades to a blackened out studio, where Cassius Reed stands, trademark grin plastered across his face. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, with the iconic LAZERADE! logo written across the chest in gold lettering. Sat on top of a shelf behind him is the Légion del HELL trophy, flanked on either side by a couple of bottles of LAZERADE!, specifically bottles of Salty SHOZO to the left, and Cassius Crush to the right.
Cassius Reed: People! Cassius is here today to talk about you all about one thing and one thing only: the EXODUS Pro Pacific Coast championship.
Cassius smiles.
Cassius Reed: Let Cassius get straight into this: for too long now, the Pacific Coast belt has been the ginger haired step child of EXODUS’ title scene. The other belts all hang about and poke fun at it, calling it names and shit. Right now, the PC belt is the title equivalent of that kid in school who made Zack Lifer look normal. And it don’t help it none that the belt is being carried about by a man that makes towers in Piza look stable.
Cassius looks thoughtful a moment.
Cassius Reed: Let me lay down some facts for you all. Cassius Reed don’t just think he’s good. He knows he’s good. Before wrestling, Cassius boxed. And he was a good boxer. Cassius nearly had the chance to represent this great nation at the Olympics good. 24 pro fights. 23 wins. 20 of them, Cassius knocked that sucka the hell out. You reflect on that a minute. SHOZO might have crazy. Hell, SHOZO got bags of crazy, he got crazy to spare. If space rockets ran on crazy, the Japanese coulda strapped SHOZO to one by now and populated Mars by now. Seriously, you white people need to get on this shit. Make a crazy powered rocket, strap SHOZO, Lifer and every other fruit loop in the business to it, light the fuse paper and crack open the six packs.
Cassius grins a moment.
Cassius Reed: Cassius got distracted a moment. Like he was saying, SHOZO might have crazy. But crazy don’t put cheese on crackers. Crazy don’t win matches. Crazy don’t get you squat but people looking at you like you Hooch. And everyone knows… Hooch is CRAZY!
Cassius gives a crazy Hooch grin a moment, before shaking the look of his face.
Cassius Reed: But Cassius got skill. Cassius got style. Cassius got million dollar abs and a cue of ladies round the block. Cassius got a fat sponsorship with LAZERADE! to keep him hydrated and on top form. But most importantly, Cassius got SHOZO’s number.
Cassius cracks his knuckles, continuing to look into the camera.
Cassius Reed: You see, Cassius spent his whole life dealing with crazy. SHOZO think he’s scary? Cassius wrestled in HELL. Cassius fought Miedo. And you know what? Cassius beat Miedo. That little trophy right there? That’s proof. But hell, even before that. SHOZO can preach about a bad family home all he likes. Cassius grew up a Reed.
Cassius Reed: BUT IT’S MINE!
Momma Reed: Aries wants to play with it, Cass. You gotta learn to share.
Share. The by-word of Cassius’ formative years. Darius had it easy. He was old enough that when Cassius was born, anything Cassius wanted of his, he was long done with. Baby brother Aries though… Cassius was forced to share everything with him. Share a room. Share his toys. Share clothes too, since there was only so far welfare checks could take a family with 3 rapidly growing boys. His entire life, not a thing was his. Of course, the same didn’t extend to Aries. He was Momma’s baby boy. What Aries wanted, Aries got. But Cassius?
Cassius always had to share.
Cassius Reed: And growing up a Reed taught Cassius some hard lessons. Growing up a Reed taught Cassius how to get by on nothing but the shirt on his back. Growing up a Reed taught Cassius that it ain’t always the biggest dog that got the hardest bite. Growing up a Reed taught Cassius that you always have to fight every single day to make something yours. And growing up a Reed taught Cassius that there ain’t nothing crazier than Momma Reed on a hot summer’s day and the welfare is late.
Cassius smiles again.
Cassius Reed: So come at me, SHOZO. I mean it. Bring your whole world of crazy into Cassius’ house. Because I promise you boy, I will knock you the fuck out. You think you all big because people say you a fruit loop? You think you scary because a bunch of white people don’t want nothing to do with your sociopathic ass? Sorry, Hard, that shit don’t mean shit to Cassius. You stand there facing Momma Reed looming over you with a broom in one hand and your report card in the other? Then you know the true meaning of fear. You tell Momma Reed you’ll be home right after boxing practice, and then set foot through the door twenty minutes late and without her sandwich. Then you know crazy. Son, I don’t give a shit about your daddy issues and about how you want nothing more than to screw your dead brother’s girlfriend but your shrunken little pecker don’t work. Take that Passions bullshit back to NBC. Cassius got bigger problems than that. Like how he going to get all your salt off his shiny new title belt.
Momma Reed: CASS! LET YOUR BROTHER PLAY WITH IT OR GOD HELP ME I WILL TAKE IT FROM YOU AND MAKE IT HIS.
Cassius Reed: BUT HE’LL BREAK IT!
Momma Reed: BOY I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME! NOW GIMME THAT HERE AND GET YOUR ASS IN YOUR ROOM.
And once more, shut in his room. Of course, it wasn’t his room. It was their room. Everything was theirs. Their wardrobe. Their toys. Their bunk beds. Everything… Except… The box. Loose floorboard. The bottom of the closet. One old, battered Transformer. The last thing his Papa ever gave him.
His.
Cassius Reed: You see, what this place needs, what EXODUS needs, isn’t so much SHOZO removed as champion…
Cassius smiles, spreading his arms wide, and flapping his fingers in a gesturing motion.
Cassius Reed: … as much as it NEEDS Cassius as champion. Admit it people, you need this. You need a pimp ass hunk of chocolate strutting to that ring every show with that shiny ass lump of gold around his waist. Admit it, you know you need it. You need a champ with style. You need a champ with class. You need a champion who knows the importance of high quality rehydration and liquid nutrition by FDA approved products.
Cassius smiles, as the camera zooms in.
Cassius Reed: You need Cassius Reed, bitches!
Where was it. The hole was empty. The box was gone. Where? Where? WHERE?
He searched the room. Nothing.
He searched the house. Nothing.
The porch. The box at Momma’s feet.
His eyes locked on the box as his Momma spoke,
Momma Reed: Found an old toy whilst clearing up Aries and yours closet.
He looked to the yard.
Momma Reed: So I gave it to Aries.
He looked in the mud.
He saw it there. Dirty. Discarded. Broken.
And he had nothing.
And in that moment, decided. One day, what was his, would be his. And he would never be forced to share again.
Cassius Reed: You see, Cassius is already a champ down in HELL. The Brothers Reed hold this little trophy you see behind me. But that’s just the appetiser. Cassius got a taste for the gold now. And he’s ready to chow down on a main course of Pacific Coast title.
Cassius starts to turn, but then stops, looking back to the camera, hand to his ear, like he just heard something.
Cassius Reed: But what is that, Cassius hears you cry? How can you be so sure? How do you know you’re going to beat SHOZO? Two things! First, when Cassius steps into that ring on Sunday, there ain't gunna be no #SectionB, and there ain't gunna be no #SectionD. All y'all are going to come together, and cheer for Cassius. You're gunna be his #CSection. And second?
Cassius grins, then shrugs.
Cassius Reed: That Ruby chick tried to take it off him. She failed. Shinji tried. He failed. You know what that means?
As Cassius gives his widest grin yet, he reaches wide with his arms, and clicks his fingers. The black cloth masking the wall behind him drops, revealing a huge banner proudly showing the LAZERADE! logo, whilst sparklers fire to either side of him.
Cassius Reed: YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH IN PLAN C!
As “You Suck” by Pour Habit starts to play in the background, Cassius lifts his head back, laughing the whole while, bathing in the sparks as the image draws down to one small white circle in the middle of a black screen. In that small circle, up pops the Chibi Cassius from before, swigging from a bottle of LAZERADE!. He looks out the circle at the crowd.
Chibi Cassius: And remember, buy LAZERADE!, bitches!
He throws up a piece sign before he, too, fades to black.
Chibi Cassius: Starring Cassius Reed, bitches!
The screen cross fades to a blackened out studio, where Cassius Reed stands, trademark grin plastered across his face. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, with the iconic LAZERADE! logo written across the chest in gold lettering. Sat on top of a shelf behind him is the Légion del HELL trophy, flanked on either side by a couple of bottles of LAZERADE!, specifically bottles of Salty SHOZO to the left, and Cassius Crush to the right.
Cassius Reed: People! Cassius is here today to talk about you all about one thing and one thing only: the EXODUS Pro Pacific Coast championship.
Cassius smiles.
Cassius Reed: Let Cassius get straight into this: for too long now, the Pacific Coast belt has been the ginger haired step child of EXODUS’ title scene. The other belts all hang about and poke fun at it, calling it names and shit. Right now, the PC belt is the title equivalent of that kid in school who made Zack Lifer look normal. And it don’t help it none that the belt is being carried about by a man that makes towers in Piza look stable.
Cassius looks thoughtful a moment.
Cassius Reed: Let me lay down some facts for you all. Cassius Reed don’t just think he’s good. He knows he’s good. Before wrestling, Cassius boxed. And he was a good boxer. Cassius nearly had the chance to represent this great nation at the Olympics good. 24 pro fights. 23 wins. 20 of them, Cassius knocked that sucka the hell out. You reflect on that a minute. SHOZO might have crazy. Hell, SHOZO got bags of crazy, he got crazy to spare. If space rockets ran on crazy, the Japanese coulda strapped SHOZO to one by now and populated Mars by now. Seriously, you white people need to get on this shit. Make a crazy powered rocket, strap SHOZO, Lifer and every other fruit loop in the business to it, light the fuse paper and crack open the six packs.
Cassius grins a moment.
Cassius Reed: Cassius got distracted a moment. Like he was saying, SHOZO might have crazy. But crazy don’t put cheese on crackers. Crazy don’t win matches. Crazy don’t get you squat but people looking at you like you Hooch. And everyone knows… Hooch is CRAZY!
Cassius gives a crazy Hooch grin a moment, before shaking the look of his face.
Cassius Reed: But Cassius got skill. Cassius got style. Cassius got million dollar abs and a cue of ladies round the block. Cassius got a fat sponsorship with LAZERADE! to keep him hydrated and on top form. But most importantly, Cassius got SHOZO’s number.
Cassius cracks his knuckles, continuing to look into the camera.
Cassius Reed: You see, Cassius spent his whole life dealing with crazy. SHOZO think he’s scary? Cassius wrestled in HELL. Cassius fought Miedo. And you know what? Cassius beat Miedo. That little trophy right there? That’s proof. But hell, even before that. SHOZO can preach about a bad family home all he likes. Cassius grew up a Reed.
-----
Cassius Reed: BUT IT’S MINE!
Momma Reed: Aries wants to play with it, Cass. You gotta learn to share.
Share. The by-word of Cassius’ formative years. Darius had it easy. He was old enough that when Cassius was born, anything Cassius wanted of his, he was long done with. Baby brother Aries though… Cassius was forced to share everything with him. Share a room. Share his toys. Share clothes too, since there was only so far welfare checks could take a family with 3 rapidly growing boys. His entire life, not a thing was his. Of course, the same didn’t extend to Aries. He was Momma’s baby boy. What Aries wanted, Aries got. But Cassius?
Cassius always had to share.
-----
Cassius Reed: And growing up a Reed taught Cassius some hard lessons. Growing up a Reed taught Cassius how to get by on nothing but the shirt on his back. Growing up a Reed taught Cassius that it ain’t always the biggest dog that got the hardest bite. Growing up a Reed taught Cassius that you always have to fight every single day to make something yours. And growing up a Reed taught Cassius that there ain’t nothing crazier than Momma Reed on a hot summer’s day and the welfare is late.
Cassius smiles again.
Cassius Reed: So come at me, SHOZO. I mean it. Bring your whole world of crazy into Cassius’ house. Because I promise you boy, I will knock you the fuck out. You think you all big because people say you a fruit loop? You think you scary because a bunch of white people don’t want nothing to do with your sociopathic ass? Sorry, Hard, that shit don’t mean shit to Cassius. You stand there facing Momma Reed looming over you with a broom in one hand and your report card in the other? Then you know the true meaning of fear. You tell Momma Reed you’ll be home right after boxing practice, and then set foot through the door twenty minutes late and without her sandwich. Then you know crazy. Son, I don’t give a shit about your daddy issues and about how you want nothing more than to screw your dead brother’s girlfriend but your shrunken little pecker don’t work. Take that Passions bullshit back to NBC. Cassius got bigger problems than that. Like how he going to get all your salt off his shiny new title belt.
-----
Momma Reed: CASS! LET YOUR BROTHER PLAY WITH IT OR GOD HELP ME I WILL TAKE IT FROM YOU AND MAKE IT HIS.
Cassius Reed: BUT HE’LL BREAK IT!
Momma Reed: BOY I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME! NOW GIMME THAT HERE AND GET YOUR ASS IN YOUR ROOM.
And once more, shut in his room. Of course, it wasn’t his room. It was their room. Everything was theirs. Their wardrobe. Their toys. Their bunk beds. Everything… Except… The box. Loose floorboard. The bottom of the closet. One old, battered Transformer. The last thing his Papa ever gave him.
His.
-----
Cassius Reed: You see, what this place needs, what EXODUS needs, isn’t so much SHOZO removed as champion…
Cassius smiles, spreading his arms wide, and flapping his fingers in a gesturing motion.
Cassius Reed: … as much as it NEEDS Cassius as champion. Admit it people, you need this. You need a pimp ass hunk of chocolate strutting to that ring every show with that shiny ass lump of gold around his waist. Admit it, you know you need it. You need a champ with style. You need a champ with class. You need a champion who knows the importance of high quality rehydration and liquid nutrition by FDA approved products.
Cassius smiles, as the camera zooms in.
Cassius Reed: You need Cassius Reed, bitches!
-----
Where was it. The hole was empty. The box was gone. Where? Where? WHERE?
He searched the room. Nothing.
He searched the house. Nothing.
The porch. The box at Momma’s feet.
His eyes locked on the box as his Momma spoke,
Momma Reed: Found an old toy whilst clearing up Aries and yours closet.
He looked to the yard.
Momma Reed: So I gave it to Aries.
He looked in the mud.
He saw it there. Dirty. Discarded. Broken.
And he had nothing.
And in that moment, decided. One day, what was his, would be his. And he would never be forced to share again.
-----
Cassius Reed: You see, Cassius is already a champ down in HELL. The Brothers Reed hold this little trophy you see behind me. But that’s just the appetiser. Cassius got a taste for the gold now. And he’s ready to chow down on a main course of Pacific Coast title.
Cassius starts to turn, but then stops, looking back to the camera, hand to his ear, like he just heard something.
Cassius Reed: But what is that, Cassius hears you cry? How can you be so sure? How do you know you’re going to beat SHOZO? Two things! First, when Cassius steps into that ring on Sunday, there ain't gunna be no #SectionB, and there ain't gunna be no #SectionD. All y'all are going to come together, and cheer for Cassius. You're gunna be his #CSection. And second?
Cassius grins, then shrugs.
Cassius Reed: That Ruby chick tried to take it off him. She failed. Shinji tried. He failed. You know what that means?
As Cassius gives his widest grin yet, he reaches wide with his arms, and clicks his fingers. The black cloth masking the wall behind him drops, revealing a huge banner proudly showing the LAZERADE! logo, whilst sparklers fire to either side of him.
Cassius Reed: YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH IN PLAN C!
As “You Suck” by Pour Habit starts to play in the background, Cassius lifts his head back, laughing the whole while, bathing in the sparks as the image draws down to one small white circle in the middle of a black screen. In that small circle, up pops the Chibi Cassius from before, swigging from a bottle of LAZERADE!. He looks out the circle at the crowd.
Chibi Cassius: And remember, buy LAZERADE!, bitches!
He throws up a piece sign before he, too, fades to black.
