Post by LAZERADE! on Oct 24, 2015 15:03:46 GMT -6
The feel of the hard, uncompromising wood under his butt, as he sat, trying to stay awake. Sat quietly in the oppressive shadow of his mother. The pews, he felt, had to be made deliberately uncomfortable. No cushioning. The backs that bit too upright. The shirt that bit too big. The pants that bit too small. He, and his brothers, sat in a row like targets at the shooting range. Every single Sunday.
As the camera fades up, it is on a silhouetted figure, barely outlined from the darkness beyond it by the faintest of white lights giving a glow. It moves slightly as it speaks with a deep, booming voice…
Silhouette: In the beginning… there was nothing. Emptiness. Then the Lord and came and said… LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Blinding light suddenly fills the screen, before dimming down to reveal the silhouette as being the Chibi Cassius, smiling, dressed in a Cardinal’s robes.
Chibi Cassius: Then he cracked himself a nice, frosty LAZERADE! YOU SHOULD TOO, BITCHES!
With this, the image dissolves, to be replaced with the interior of a church. It’s well lit, and built in a traditional style… stone walls, ornate stained glass windows, golden iconography everywhere. Pews stand in orderly rows facing a pulpit, flanked on either side by choral galleries. On the organ, back to the congregation, sits a small, skinny black man, happily blasting out an energetic gospel number.
Standing in the pews, each furnished with purple cushions, with gold edging, are row after row of scantily lad ladies, a full rainbow of skin, hair and bikini colours on show, clapping happily as they dance to the music. In the choral gallery, in purple gospel robes, with gold trimming, the choir dances as they sing, their powerful voices echoing around the cavernous cathedral. As the song reaches a crescendo, there’s a commotion at the back of the room, as an Afroed figure, resplendent in ostentatious robes in the same style as the choir, but with more gold, and with the EXODUS Pro Pacific Coast Championship around his waist. As he dances down the aisle, shimmying with the models, the choir starts singing his name.
Choir: CASSIUS… CASSIUS! CASSIUS… CASSIUS!
As he reaches the front row, he starts dancing with a petite blonde in a skimpy blue bikini, easily identified by fans of (R)Evolution Pro as their interviewer, Betsy Granger. The two start grinding up close, before kissing, to a roar from the “parishioners”. Giving her a quick slap on the behind, Cassius Reed starts dancing further up the aisle, towards the altar whilst swaying in time with the choir. As he finally reaches the steps up to the pulpit, he spins on the ball of his foot, before strutting up the steps in time with the music. At the top, he takes place behind the pulpit, dancing some more as the music finally comes to an end. He stands there a moment, as the final note rings around the chapel. He gestures to the organist.
Cassius Reed: Come on people? Who does Reverend Cassius have to orally satisfy get a holla for my nigga on the keys?
With this, there’s a large cheer from the “congregation”, and applause, as the organist stands, and takes a quick bow, before throwing peace signs to everyone.
Cassius Reed: Now that is what Cassius is talking about, people! Credit where credit is due. And yo’ kno’ what? Since Cassius won this title he been getting’ the feelin’ that he ain’t been gettin’ a whole load of credit…
There’s a mix of responses from the combined audience, ranging from a couple of melodramatic “Say it ain’t so”s to a just some generic booing.
Cassius Reed: Justin Brooks wins the International Title… and he gets celebrated like he jus’ landed on the moon! Ruby Tyler wins the San Diego Bay Title, girl gets heralded as the second coming or somethin’. But Cassius Reed knocks Salty SHOZO the fuck out, and what does he get?
There’s a deathly silence as he asks the question. He pauses a moment.
Cassius Reed: That’s right! Silence. Cassius goes out… Cassius save EXODUS from yet more of SHOZO’s whining an’ bitching… an’ what thanks does he get? None!
More boos.
Cassius Reed: But don’t worry! Cassius don’t need no thanks from the man, as long as he has the love of yo’… the people!
There is a loud cheer, as Cassius basks in the adoration of this, his congregation.
Cassius Reed: They look to test a brother… they place him in the firing line of a false idol… the self declared messiah… this Michael Lynch…
There’s the loudest chorus of boos yet.
Cassius Reed: And, my brothers an’ my sisters, we kno’, do we not, that there is only one true idol…
In unison, the crowd responds with a loud MM-HMM!
Cassius Reed: That the Lord, from up on high… sent down one, and only one, do His divine bidding on this Green Earth…
Again, a unified MM-HMMM!
Cassius Reed: And is the name of that one Michael Lynch?
A loud shout of NO!
Cassius Reed: Damn straight! And tell me, people! The name of the one the Lord sent down to do His will… sing out his name…
There is a loud cry back of LAZERADE!
Cassius Reed: Praise be to LAZERADE!
There is a response back of LAZERADE! BE PRAISED!
As the two voices either side of him soullessly sing out the hymn… he finds his attention diverted once more. The girl… maybe 3 or 4 years his senior, at the end of the choir. It’s not the first time she’s caught his eye. It’s not the first time he fancies that he’s caught hers. He smiles. As she sings on, she cracks a small smile.
He feels his mothers hand clip him around the back of the head, much to his younger brother’s amusement.
Cassius Reed: Now, let Cassius take a moment to address this… false idol. This cult leader. Yo’ may be running a Cult o’ Personality… but Cassius is the head of his own church… the Church of Knockin’ Out Crazy Crackers. An’ yo’ know what? From Tijuana to Portland, Cassius been takin’ down crazy foo’s like yo’. An yo’ know what each an’ every one of yo’ had in common? Yo’ all underestimatin’ a brother. Cassius talks like a 70s throwback. Cassius a stereotype. Cassius continuously tryin’ to educate people as to the best sports drinks on the market. Cassius jus’ some boxer who almos’ made the Olympics. He can’t wrestle. It don’t matter that he’s only picked up one loss since he debuted. It don’t matter that he’s a two title reigning champion. It don’t matter that he’s the funkiest, fightingest wrestler since Shaft.
The congregation shouts back a “You’re Damn Right!”
Cassius Reed: Yo’ see, Lynch, Cassius ain’t just some Glass Joe mammajamma. Yo’ ain’t just against any Schmo from the locker room. What yo’ fail to recognise, is that Cassius don’t appear on the show… Cassius puts on the show. While yo gunna be standin’ about in the ring wit’ yo’ whole “Look at me! I was important in some backwards Hillbilly Cult schtick, Cassius gunna dance, fly, shimmy, shake and teleport his ass all over that ring. While yo’ lumbering yo’ slow ass around, tryin’ to actually get hol’ of me? I’m gunna be makin’ yo’ life flash before yo’ eyes. Yo’ try to stand and fight me? I will knock yo’ ass clean out. Do yo’ hear, yo’ weirdbeard freak? Yo’ think yo’ some holy man, yo’ think yo’ bringin’ the wrath of God? Cassius grew up in the Reed house, an’ unless yo’ saw Momma Reed chasin’ the mailman down the street when the welfare check was late, yo’ ain’t got no clue about the Fear of God. Unless that woman saw yo’ eyeing up the choir girls rather than sayin’ yo’ prayers… yo’ kno’ nothin’ about the Wrath of God.
There’s a cry of “Testify” from somewhere out the back.
Cassius Reed: Oh… an’ another thing… Cassius ain’t alone…
All eyes on the preacher. He looks around him. Every single eye in the room, even those unsure, or bored by him… all on the preacher. As he stands there, and extols the virtues of God and Christ and the rest… the energy flowing from him is palpable. Love him. Hate him. Disagree with him. Worship him. It doesn’t matter. All eyes are on him. He checks. Momma’s eyes are on the preacher. He looks for the cutie in the choir. Her eyes, locked on the preacher. His brothers, too. There’s a power there… everyone looks at him. Everyone sees him. He makes his decision.
One day… all eyes will be on him, too.
Cassius Reed: Yo’ see, here, in the house that LAZERADE! built, Cassius has something yo’ ain’t. Keep yo’ freaky ass mannequins. Keep yo’ cult of one. Coz Cassius got family. But trust me… it ain’t just any family…
The organ starts up again, quickly building to a fast, up tempo gospel beat. The choir are quickly on their feet, swaying and clapping to the rhythm, the congregation not far behind them. Out from either side of the pulpit step two men, each dressed in the same purple robes. The larger man, physically a human mountain, shaven head, looks about, only the barest hint of a smile on his lips. The other man, by sharp contrast, has his face plastered with that kind of smile you just want to slap off of someone, as he sways to the tune. From up the aisle, the same aisle Cassius entered from earlier, comes a woman, her skin lighter than that of the men, her long hair draped over the purple robes, the same as the men, but cut a little tighter to her figure. She dances all the way up, before stopping at the base of the pulpit.
Cassius Reed: WE REEDS, PEOPLE!
The larger man, Darius, audibly roars, as the other man, Aries, and the woman, Bianca, both laugh.
Cassius Reed: And yo’ know what Reeds bring? We bring the fight. We bring the controversy. We bring the ratings. But yo’ know what else? WE BRING THE MONEY!
The congregation cheer at this.
Cassius Reed: We bring that big audience rating money. We bring that iPPV buy money. An’ we bring that fat LAZERADE! sponsorship money. Speakin’ of which…
Cassius indicates Aries.
Cassius Reed: Brother Aries… wit’ the new LAZERADE! flavor… Aries Assault! The sweet heat of Ginger Ale, wit’ the power of lazers!
Aries pulls an orange and red bottle of the “Aries Assault” out of his robe, holding it high above his head. Cassius indicates to Bianca in the centre, as she produces a blue and white bottle of LAZERADE! from her robes.
Cassius Reed: Sister Bianca… our newfound sister… wit’ Bianca Blizzard! Every sip guaranteed to be as chilled an’ refreshin’ as the last. How? SCIENCE, BITCHES!
Bianca proudly models her signature bottle, as Cassius gestures to Darius.
Cassius Reed: Now as much as I tell those LAZERADE! cats they need a turnbuckle flavor, they keep on ignorin’ me. So check out Brother Darius wit’ the Darius Dry, fo’ all yo’ crazy cats who like their sports drinks to have a umami kick!
Darius reluctantly holds his jet black bottle of LAZERADE! high above his head with a single hand, in a style almost like a Black Panther salute.
Cassius Reed: An’ let’s not forget everyone’s favorite… Cassius Crush, the hit of the Caribbean in every single sip.
The congregation cheers.
Cassius Reed: Cassius Reed bringin’ so much money to this company, as champ, as sponsorship gold… Cassius is money. Cassius… IS CA$$IUS! (writer’s note – pronounce it Cash-ius)
The congregation starts chanting CA$$IUS’ name.
Cassius Reed: CA$$IUS brings that sweet green to EXODUS. CA$$IUS brings it wherever he goes. There is not a better value champion, dollar to pound, on this planet. An’ on Sunday Night? Michael Lynch gun’ find that out. He wants yo’ all to have faith in him. I call bullshit on that. Yo’ can’t have faith in a man who walks out of nowhere, wit’ nothin’ but a cheap mask on his face. CA$$IUS gunna tell yo’ what yo’ can have faith in. First plan, put yo’ faith in money. Money sees yo’ right.
The congregation cheers.
Cassius Reed: Second plan: Put yo’ faith in LAZERADE! LAZERADE! the only drink on the market scientifically brewed to not let yo’ body down, when yo’ body needs it most. But yo’ know what? If yo’ ain’t sure ‘bout either of those…
A hush draws over the assembled parishioners, as Cassius holds for silence. A broad smile breaks over his face. He slowly spreads his arms wide.
Cassius Reed: Yo’ can always have faith in Plan C!
Pyros explode behind the pulpit, as the organ springs to life once more. Everyone starts dancing to the music, as the pyros continue to fire. Cassius quickly sprints down the pulpit steps, before running to the pews, and dragging Betsy out with him, as the rest of the congregation follow her out, everyone dancing as the camera irises down to a small white dot. The dot suddenly expands to a white circle, that the Chibi Cassius suddenly pops up in, still in his Cardinal’s robes, with a bottle of the Bianca Blizzard in hand.
Chibi Cassius: GET ON YO’ KNEES AN’ DRINK, BITCHES!
Chibi Cassius throws up peace signs, as he too fades to black.
The church has emptied. A pokey little community church hall, on the outskirts of Atlanta. He’s run back in, feigning leaving something behind. Looking around him, he runs up to the pulpit… stands behind it a moment. Feeling the emptiness of the room stare back at him.
He nods.
This is what he wants.
All eyes on him. Love him. Hate him. Worship him. Revile him.
You will watch him.
-----
As the camera fades up, it is on a silhouetted figure, barely outlined from the darkness beyond it by the faintest of white lights giving a glow. It moves slightly as it speaks with a deep, booming voice…
Silhouette: In the beginning… there was nothing. Emptiness. Then the Lord and came and said… LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Blinding light suddenly fills the screen, before dimming down to reveal the silhouette as being the Chibi Cassius, smiling, dressed in a Cardinal’s robes.
Chibi Cassius: Then he cracked himself a nice, frosty LAZERADE! YOU SHOULD TOO, BITCHES!
With this, the image dissolves, to be replaced with the interior of a church. It’s well lit, and built in a traditional style… stone walls, ornate stained glass windows, golden iconography everywhere. Pews stand in orderly rows facing a pulpit, flanked on either side by choral galleries. On the organ, back to the congregation, sits a small, skinny black man, happily blasting out an energetic gospel number.
Standing in the pews, each furnished with purple cushions, with gold edging, are row after row of scantily lad ladies, a full rainbow of skin, hair and bikini colours on show, clapping happily as they dance to the music. In the choral gallery, in purple gospel robes, with gold trimming, the choir dances as they sing, their powerful voices echoing around the cavernous cathedral. As the song reaches a crescendo, there’s a commotion at the back of the room, as an Afroed figure, resplendent in ostentatious robes in the same style as the choir, but with more gold, and with the EXODUS Pro Pacific Coast Championship around his waist. As he dances down the aisle, shimmying with the models, the choir starts singing his name.
Choir: CASSIUS… CASSIUS! CASSIUS… CASSIUS!
As he reaches the front row, he starts dancing with a petite blonde in a skimpy blue bikini, easily identified by fans of (R)Evolution Pro as their interviewer, Betsy Granger. The two start grinding up close, before kissing, to a roar from the “parishioners”. Giving her a quick slap on the behind, Cassius Reed starts dancing further up the aisle, towards the altar whilst swaying in time with the choir. As he finally reaches the steps up to the pulpit, he spins on the ball of his foot, before strutting up the steps in time with the music. At the top, he takes place behind the pulpit, dancing some more as the music finally comes to an end. He stands there a moment, as the final note rings around the chapel. He gestures to the organist.
Cassius Reed: Come on people? Who does Reverend Cassius have to orally satisfy get a holla for my nigga on the keys?
With this, there’s a large cheer from the “congregation”, and applause, as the organist stands, and takes a quick bow, before throwing peace signs to everyone.
Cassius Reed: Now that is what Cassius is talking about, people! Credit where credit is due. And yo’ kno’ what? Since Cassius won this title he been getting’ the feelin’ that he ain’t been gettin’ a whole load of credit…
There’s a mix of responses from the combined audience, ranging from a couple of melodramatic “Say it ain’t so”s to a just some generic booing.
Cassius Reed: Justin Brooks wins the International Title… and he gets celebrated like he jus’ landed on the moon! Ruby Tyler wins the San Diego Bay Title, girl gets heralded as the second coming or somethin’. But Cassius Reed knocks Salty SHOZO the fuck out, and what does he get?
There’s a deathly silence as he asks the question. He pauses a moment.
Cassius Reed: That’s right! Silence. Cassius goes out… Cassius save EXODUS from yet more of SHOZO’s whining an’ bitching… an’ what thanks does he get? None!
More boos.
Cassius Reed: But don’t worry! Cassius don’t need no thanks from the man, as long as he has the love of yo’… the people!
There is a loud cheer, as Cassius basks in the adoration of this, his congregation.
Cassius Reed: They look to test a brother… they place him in the firing line of a false idol… the self declared messiah… this Michael Lynch…
There’s the loudest chorus of boos yet.
Cassius Reed: And, my brothers an’ my sisters, we kno’, do we not, that there is only one true idol…
In unison, the crowd responds with a loud MM-HMM!
Cassius Reed: That the Lord, from up on high… sent down one, and only one, do His divine bidding on this Green Earth…
Again, a unified MM-HMMM!
Cassius Reed: And is the name of that one Michael Lynch?
A loud shout of NO!
Cassius Reed: Damn straight! And tell me, people! The name of the one the Lord sent down to do His will… sing out his name…
There is a loud cry back of LAZERADE!
Cassius Reed: Praise be to LAZERADE!
There is a response back of LAZERADE! BE PRAISED!
-----
As the two voices either side of him soullessly sing out the hymn… he finds his attention diverted once more. The girl… maybe 3 or 4 years his senior, at the end of the choir. It’s not the first time she’s caught his eye. It’s not the first time he fancies that he’s caught hers. He smiles. As she sings on, she cracks a small smile.
He feels his mothers hand clip him around the back of the head, much to his younger brother’s amusement.
-----
Cassius Reed: Now, let Cassius take a moment to address this… false idol. This cult leader. Yo’ may be running a Cult o’ Personality… but Cassius is the head of his own church… the Church of Knockin’ Out Crazy Crackers. An’ yo’ know what? From Tijuana to Portland, Cassius been takin’ down crazy foo’s like yo’. An yo’ know what each an’ every one of yo’ had in common? Yo’ all underestimatin’ a brother. Cassius talks like a 70s throwback. Cassius a stereotype. Cassius continuously tryin’ to educate people as to the best sports drinks on the market. Cassius jus’ some boxer who almos’ made the Olympics. He can’t wrestle. It don’t matter that he’s only picked up one loss since he debuted. It don’t matter that he’s a two title reigning champion. It don’t matter that he’s the funkiest, fightingest wrestler since Shaft.
The congregation shouts back a “You’re Damn Right!”
Cassius Reed: Yo’ see, Lynch, Cassius ain’t just some Glass Joe mammajamma. Yo’ ain’t just against any Schmo from the locker room. What yo’ fail to recognise, is that Cassius don’t appear on the show… Cassius puts on the show. While yo gunna be standin’ about in the ring wit’ yo’ whole “Look at me! I was important in some backwards Hillbilly Cult schtick, Cassius gunna dance, fly, shimmy, shake and teleport his ass all over that ring. While yo’ lumbering yo’ slow ass around, tryin’ to actually get hol’ of me? I’m gunna be makin’ yo’ life flash before yo’ eyes. Yo’ try to stand and fight me? I will knock yo’ ass clean out. Do yo’ hear, yo’ weirdbeard freak? Yo’ think yo’ some holy man, yo’ think yo’ bringin’ the wrath of God? Cassius grew up in the Reed house, an’ unless yo’ saw Momma Reed chasin’ the mailman down the street when the welfare check was late, yo’ ain’t got no clue about the Fear of God. Unless that woman saw yo’ eyeing up the choir girls rather than sayin’ yo’ prayers… yo’ kno’ nothin’ about the Wrath of God.
There’s a cry of “Testify” from somewhere out the back.
Cassius Reed: Oh… an’ another thing… Cassius ain’t alone…
-----
All eyes on the preacher. He looks around him. Every single eye in the room, even those unsure, or bored by him… all on the preacher. As he stands there, and extols the virtues of God and Christ and the rest… the energy flowing from him is palpable. Love him. Hate him. Disagree with him. Worship him. It doesn’t matter. All eyes are on him. He checks. Momma’s eyes are on the preacher. He looks for the cutie in the choir. Her eyes, locked on the preacher. His brothers, too. There’s a power there… everyone looks at him. Everyone sees him. He makes his decision.
One day… all eyes will be on him, too.
-----
Cassius Reed: Yo’ see, here, in the house that LAZERADE! built, Cassius has something yo’ ain’t. Keep yo’ freaky ass mannequins. Keep yo’ cult of one. Coz Cassius got family. But trust me… it ain’t just any family…
The organ starts up again, quickly building to a fast, up tempo gospel beat. The choir are quickly on their feet, swaying and clapping to the rhythm, the congregation not far behind them. Out from either side of the pulpit step two men, each dressed in the same purple robes. The larger man, physically a human mountain, shaven head, looks about, only the barest hint of a smile on his lips. The other man, by sharp contrast, has his face plastered with that kind of smile you just want to slap off of someone, as he sways to the tune. From up the aisle, the same aisle Cassius entered from earlier, comes a woman, her skin lighter than that of the men, her long hair draped over the purple robes, the same as the men, but cut a little tighter to her figure. She dances all the way up, before stopping at the base of the pulpit.
Cassius Reed: WE REEDS, PEOPLE!
The larger man, Darius, audibly roars, as the other man, Aries, and the woman, Bianca, both laugh.
Cassius Reed: And yo’ know what Reeds bring? We bring the fight. We bring the controversy. We bring the ratings. But yo’ know what else? WE BRING THE MONEY!
The congregation cheer at this.
Cassius Reed: We bring that big audience rating money. We bring that iPPV buy money. An’ we bring that fat LAZERADE! sponsorship money. Speakin’ of which…
Cassius indicates Aries.
Cassius Reed: Brother Aries… wit’ the new LAZERADE! flavor… Aries Assault! The sweet heat of Ginger Ale, wit’ the power of lazers!
Aries pulls an orange and red bottle of the “Aries Assault” out of his robe, holding it high above his head. Cassius indicates to Bianca in the centre, as she produces a blue and white bottle of LAZERADE! from her robes.
Cassius Reed: Sister Bianca… our newfound sister… wit’ Bianca Blizzard! Every sip guaranteed to be as chilled an’ refreshin’ as the last. How? SCIENCE, BITCHES!
Bianca proudly models her signature bottle, as Cassius gestures to Darius.
Cassius Reed: Now as much as I tell those LAZERADE! cats they need a turnbuckle flavor, they keep on ignorin’ me. So check out Brother Darius wit’ the Darius Dry, fo’ all yo’ crazy cats who like their sports drinks to have a umami kick!
Darius reluctantly holds his jet black bottle of LAZERADE! high above his head with a single hand, in a style almost like a Black Panther salute.
Cassius Reed: An’ let’s not forget everyone’s favorite… Cassius Crush, the hit of the Caribbean in every single sip.
The congregation cheers.
Cassius Reed: Cassius Reed bringin’ so much money to this company, as champ, as sponsorship gold… Cassius is money. Cassius… IS CA$$IUS! (writer’s note – pronounce it Cash-ius)
The congregation starts chanting CA$$IUS’ name.
Cassius Reed: CA$$IUS brings that sweet green to EXODUS. CA$$IUS brings it wherever he goes. There is not a better value champion, dollar to pound, on this planet. An’ on Sunday Night? Michael Lynch gun’ find that out. He wants yo’ all to have faith in him. I call bullshit on that. Yo’ can’t have faith in a man who walks out of nowhere, wit’ nothin’ but a cheap mask on his face. CA$$IUS gunna tell yo’ what yo’ can have faith in. First plan, put yo’ faith in money. Money sees yo’ right.
The congregation cheers.
Cassius Reed: Second plan: Put yo’ faith in LAZERADE! LAZERADE! the only drink on the market scientifically brewed to not let yo’ body down, when yo’ body needs it most. But yo’ know what? If yo’ ain’t sure ‘bout either of those…
A hush draws over the assembled parishioners, as Cassius holds for silence. A broad smile breaks over his face. He slowly spreads his arms wide.
Cassius Reed: Yo’ can always have faith in Plan C!
Pyros explode behind the pulpit, as the organ springs to life once more. Everyone starts dancing to the music, as the pyros continue to fire. Cassius quickly sprints down the pulpit steps, before running to the pews, and dragging Betsy out with him, as the rest of the congregation follow her out, everyone dancing as the camera irises down to a small white dot. The dot suddenly expands to a white circle, that the Chibi Cassius suddenly pops up in, still in his Cardinal’s robes, with a bottle of the Bianca Blizzard in hand.
Chibi Cassius: GET ON YO’ KNEES AN’ DRINK, BITCHES!
Chibi Cassius throws up peace signs, as he too fades to black.
-----
The church has emptied. A pokey little community church hall, on the outskirts of Atlanta. He’s run back in, feigning leaving something behind. Looking around him, he runs up to the pulpit… stands behind it a moment. Feeling the emptiness of the room stare back at him.
He nods.
This is what he wants.
All eyes on him. Love him. Hate him. Worship him. Revile him.
You will watch him.
