Right Now

January 18, 2013 (off camera)

The petite girl sat cross-legged on the leather chair behind the desk in the office at Wild Ones, staring at the screen on her laptop with a smile on her face. Frozen in mid-move was a grainy and somewhat pixellated YouTube video of a heavily tattooed man with spiky hair. Tiled next to that, she had her Twitter account, the sunny yellow background a stark contrast to the darkness of the video. "Yum," she murmured, saving the video into her favorites list before closing out of the website with a little bit of a blush coloring her cheeks.

Staring at the pile of mail in the basket on the corner of the desk, she sighed. At eighteen, she'd felt grossy unprepared to run the school even though her uncle had left it to her in his will— she was twenty-one now and so many things had changed since then. She'd risen to almost meteoric success in FFW only to have her very title reign tainted by the near-scandal of who she was dating. She'd denied the accusations at the time, only to find out later that Kyle had been trying to undermine her in every way imaginable. When she lost the Television title, he'd lost interest— sure, he'd blamed it on the fact that she wanted to leave Chicago, but she'd never been as stupid as people thought she was. She'd seen the videos. She'd watched him hanging all over Samara and Aly, letting them kiss him while the cameras were rolling, acting just like that doting boyfriend she remembered all too well.

It hurt and the longer the charade went on, the harder it got to swallow.

She'd pulled out in November, opting to go home and immerse herself back in the day-to-day operations of the school.

She hoped in some way that if she left it alone, it would take care of itself. Unfortunately it hadn't, despite the best efforts of Wild Bill Reed and Lady Lightning, the other two trainers on staff. Paying the bills and making sure their last class of students were getting ready to trickle out into the indies had been a good way to lose herself and avoid the sadness the holidays had brought with them. She hadn't been alone for the holidays since she'd kicked Lex to the curb after her uncle's death. Now she couldn't help but think of what she was missing— the guy had gotten married since then and here she was, just some pathetic little afterthought.

Her iPhone buzzed, drawing her attention. She touched the screen, grinning at the sight of the capital letters and multiple exclamation points that generally constituted one of Jin's messages. Typing a quick reply, she chuckled and shook her head. It was feast or famine, it seemed. Since Kyle, she'd been dividing time between here and Flagstaff, pretending that she was fine with being alone. She'd watched the new prospects going through the motions she couldn't help but think of that bastard who'd broken her heart. Since November last year, everything seemed to circle back to him. He'd poisoned her existence.

She made a disgusted sound as she lifted her head, surprised to find WBR standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Bill," she said softly, peering up through her disheveled hair at the barrel-chested former grappler. "Something on your mind?"

"Kase, we need to talk." All serious, the look on his face made her hands shake.

Swallowing hard, she shook her head, pushing her hands under her legs so he couldn't see them shaking. It didn't do much to mask the way her slender frame was trembling. She felt positively dwarfed as he moved into the room, leaning against the desk next to her. "It's already done, Bill." She said slowly, watching his reaction. "I know I told you I was only going to do that Invitational match but—"

He frowned at her, folding his arms over his chest. "But what?"

"I found a reason to stay…" her cell phone chose that moment to buzz.

"I see."

"Listen," her phone buzzed again and she looked down at it, losing her train of thought at what she saw. Jin was coming here to visit? "Oh God."

"Kasey?" WBR watched her closely, "what's wrong, kiddo?"

"There's a guy who likes me… and I think he's going to ask me out." She sounded almost flustered as she uncrossed her legs, letting her bare feet smack against the floor. A wince crossed her face, scrunching up her nose. "Ack! Pins and needles!" She shook her legs, laughing softly as the scowl deepened on WBR's face.

"That doesn't sound so awful."

She frowned, looking at her Twitter messages before she turned the screen towards him so he could see the conversations she had going. "He's not the only one… it's complicated. Mikey seems interested, too… and then there's Bryan," she almost swooned when she said his name. She tapped the screen, pointing to the tiny image of Bryan Axel. "He's so dreamy."

"And old enough to be your father," WBR frowned at the screen for a second before looking back at her. He stared into her eyes intensely, his roguish features appealing, in an almost fatherly way. "He reminds you of Collins, doesn't he?"

Kasey sighed in irritation. "No, hell no. That's long over—"

"Better any of these three than the last one, kid. He was nothing but bad news."

"I know," she whispered, "I don't know how much I'll be around this weekend. Jin's coming to visit."

"We can handle it without you," he said softly, watching her face. It was like tiptoeing through a minefield lately, and he was worried about setting her off on another crying jag. "We're just glad to have you home."

"I was stupid to leave." She said, swallowing a little sob. Necessity betrayed her. She blinked, and tears spattered down on her lap. She bit her lip, looking up at her uncle's best friend with sorrow spilling down her cheeks. "It was a giant mistake— Fort Lauderdale, Kincaid… FFW… RMP… all of it!"

With a sigh, he rounded the desk, and pulled her up into his arms, hugging her tight. "Shhhh, child. You lived and you learned— you can't put a price tag on life experience even if it hurts. Look at all you accomplished, Kase. You went undefeated in RMP until they forced you to lay down for Andrews— you barely lost a match in FFW, either."

She pulled back from his hug, managing a feeble smile as she reached for the box of Kleenex on the desk. "Thanks," she dabbed at her eyes, "I'm just kinda freaking out, y'know? What if I fall flat on my face in Exodus? What if Jin hates me? What if Bryan takes one look at me and runs the other way or ends up falling for some silicone-boobed freak? I just…" she paused, taking a deep breath.

"Then you still have us, Kasey. You still have the school. You still have Sabra and Jackson… Layla and I… an' I can assure you none of us care one lick if you lose every single match for the next ten years as long as you go out there and give it your all."

She nodded, seeming so sad as she stared at him, "I just wanna be loved for me. Just once. Is that so much to ask?"

"Not at all," WBR replied, patting her on the shoulder. "That's what we all want out of life."





January 22, 2013 Leave a Comment

Ok, so I am totally not going to lie to you right now: I'm feeling horribly out of my element. If you look me up, you'll find out that I bailed on the last place I worked in. I can spend forever assuring you that I'm not normally the type to just up and quit something but you could counter with a solid argument telling me that I left FFW in 2010 and again in 2012 in pretty much the same way.

I haven't been in a professional wrestling ring since the day after Thanksgiving— and the only thing I can think of is that this is a big deal— Carlos Cobelli won his last match. Technically I lost my last one, but that's a matter of semantics since I had one foot out the door and let her pin me.

And this is just too utterly surreal right now, sitting here in my loft above the wrestling school that I'm part-owner of with the realization that I'm headed to San Diego this weekend for my first match since the night I walked away from FFW. That's scary. That's like sweaty palms, puking Mom's spaghetti in a bathroom sink scary. The iPod is killing me right now. Every song is motivational for some reason.

My head is full of song lyrics: RIGHT NOW, HEY, IT'S YOUR TOMORROW!

That's true. The future is out there waiting for me.

But I can't help but feel the chains of the past that are wrapped around me. They're like those creeper vines from horror movies that grab you when you try to flee. The more you struggle, the more they pull back until you're falling down into that hole. When I look back, it's not with anger. I'm proud of my accomplishments. From November of 2011 to November of 2012, I was pretty dominant. I won a lot of matches. I held a World Championship and the FFW TV Title for more than six months. So when I look back, it's bittersweet. There's sadness and a little bit of pride. I'm sad because I know that I can't go back and fix what went wrong— it's stupid to dwell on the ruins because it always meant more to me than it did to them.

I left all the hate and all the hurt behind.

I was so caught up in the moment there, that I didn't really even properly introduce myself and now I'm thinking first impressions are the most important ones and I've already gone and blown that right out of the gate. So, hi. I'm Summer.

I'm resigning myself to a fate where I fall on my face now that there's actual REAL competition. I'm probably going to end up mocked more than celebrated. There's a bit of truth here: you don't know me. At least not really. Carlos has no clue how amped up I get when my music hits the speakers. He doesn't know how I feel about that long walk down the ramp because it's different for everyone. Some of us let out a scream before walking through that curtain, like that deep breath before the plunge on a roller coaster. Some of us grin. Some of us try not to barf on ourselves (you know, I seem to recall someone doing that lately but for the life of me I can't remember who). I love this business but when I say that here it's just words.

You can't feel the love through the screen. You can't understand the joy in my heart that comes when I connect with a move. You don't know that it's the most important thing in my daily life. I mean, I could go back to running the school that was left to me in my uncle's will and call it a day. I could help to mold the next generation of superstars, but that's not something I really find fulfilling.

Seriously. I need to be out here, doing this. You know what I mean?

Retiring at twenty-one just sounds like a lazy person's way out.

So, Carlos, I'm waiting to hear something from you. From what I can dredge up on the Internet, it looks like you're doing pretty well, rocking the Kasbah. I'm waiting for you to knock me down a peg like I'm trying to build myself up. I seriously am not going to fill this space with stupid things like saying I'm the best thing to women's wrestling since Fritos Flavor Twists in Honey BBQ. I mean, that's probably the dumbest thing I could ever do. That's just putting myself in a place where I'm going to have to swallow that pride later.

Pointless.

Instead I will remind you both that I am fearless. I am passionate. And I have still NEVER lost to a man in a wrestling match.

That's not a boast, right?

I'm here for the thrill. The sheer joy. Not gonna lie, I LOVE WRESTLING! I love each and every one of the people who makes this possible… from the guy at the concession stand making popcorn to the janitor who sweeps it up after we all go home. Everything about this makes me feel like a million bucks.

We're making history here all the time.

We're making memories.

After a while that's the most important thing. Making new memories and letting the pain of the past go. Learning to live again. And I'm doing that, step by step. Each one gets a little easier but I still struggle.

Because he's still there in the back of my head, poisoning the well. He's reminding me that I wasn't good enough in the only way that matters. Someday I'll wake up and realize that I'm miles up the river and I won't turn around to find his shadow behind me.

I feel like that day could be today.

Peace, love and sunny days,
Summer.


Posted in: EXODUSPro, return, future

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